What can our heroes save before everything falls apart?
***The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener and reader discretion is advised.***
TRANSCRIPT
JORDAN STILLMAN
The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury, as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener discretion is advised.
ATHENA
The Ordinary Epic, Season One, Episode 6: Amends.
EMO
Hey, Athena... how was your week...?
ATHENA
It was okay, Emo; thanks for asking.
MARCUS
...See any good movies... or TV—?
ATHENA
Not really.
MARCUS
That’s cool...
ATHENA
Is everyone ready?
DANIEL
Yes, but... (awkward sound)
EMO
We’re really sorry about last week.
ATHENA
Don’t worry about that now.
DOMINIC
Do you still want this to be our last...?
ATHENA
Cell phones silenced?
MARCUS
I left mine at home this time...
EMO
How can we change your—?
ATHENA
Emo, everyone—that’s enough. We’re just going to enjoy tonight. Okay?
EMO/MARCUS/DOMINIC/DANIEL
(various resigned responses)
ATHENA
Everyone ready now?
EMO
I guess...
ATHENA
Okay.
MUSIC CUE: Tense, anticipatory music that builds straight into the main theme
ATHENA (cont.)
The next morning, while making preparations to leave from your extended stay at the Tipsy Troglodyte, you learn that the unthinkable has occurred...
SFX: Ambiance of upstairs bedroom at a tavern, morning
SFX: Benedict runs in, door slams open
BENEDICT
Everyone, uh...! I have some really bad news.
CAELUS
Oh, no—you’re a fundamentalist zealot again.
MERRICK
What happened, Benedict?
BENEDICT
The Godstaff pieces... they’re—
CAELUS
You lost them?
MERRICK
Stolen.
BENEDICT
Yeah...
THACK
That not good.
CAELUS
It’s a bit worse than “not good,” I’m afraid—it’s very, very bad.
MERRICK
How bad?
CAELUS
These pieces were hidden away from each other in the far corners of the world for good reason—the Godstaff’s power, when completely assembled, would be much greater than the sum of its individual parts.
THACK
More bloody battle, more glory. Thack not mind.
CAELUS
A completed Godstaff could spell disaster on a scale we cannot fathom and could not possibly stop, Thack. If we can’t prevent the pieces from joining together... then, my friends... I fear this could be the end.
THACK
Pointy ears say “friend”—Thack worried now.
BENEDICT
But... only if they fall into the wrong hands, right?
MERRICK
Whose hands do you think have them now...?
BENEDICT
...Right. Right. What are we going to do.
MUSIC: The Ordinary Epic opening theme.
SFX: Same ambiance as before
MERRICK
Let’s review what we know. Benedict, you told us that story about how the original Godstaff was shattered.
CAELUS
I believe you’ll find that I told that story. Benedict filled in the pointless mythical bits.
BENEDICT
I may not have the connection to Godwin that I once did, Caelus, but I still don’t appreciate this kind of blasphemy.
CAELUS
Ugh.
MERRICK
And they did this because—...?
BENEDICT
Torak the Betrayer shattered it, after a great conflict that nearly destroyed this world. We’ve seen what just two of the individual pieces can do. Imagine what the entire Godstaff must be capable of.
THACK
Anything...
BENEDICT
Yeah, see, that doesn’t sound as exciting to me as it does to you.
THACK
Sound like very big violence, that all. Sound fun.
BENEDICT
Not violence in the sense you’re thinking, Thack.
MERRICK
More like... “kaboom” we’re all dead?
BENEDICT
“Kaboom” everyone and everything is dead, all at once.
THACK
Hmph. That less fun.
CAELUS
That’s a bit of an oversimplification, but yes, that is one possibility of many, few of them good.
MERRICK
Did your mentor say anything in that message that could help us?
CAELUS
She does love to speak, but what she says is rarely of use.
MERRICK
Anything at all.
CAELUS
Most of what she wrote I already knew—her specialty, I’ll add—and intimated that in the hands of someone who knows what they’re doing and doesn’t care about the consequences, the individual pieces are almost as powerful, and dangerous, as the Godstaff itself.
BENEDICT
That’s reassuring...
MERRICK
But they only have two pieces, right? How are two pieces nearly as dangerous as the whole?
CAELUS
The Archon Maerwynn did not deign to specify.
MERRICK
Then we’ll have to speak with her, learn more about what we’re up against.
CAELUS
I’m surprised at you, Merrick. This really seems like the sort of thing you’d advocate running
from.
MERRICK
Yeah, well, running in this case wouldn’t be of much use, would it?
BENEDICT
Plus you promised to help me protect the pieces and keep them out of the wrong hands...
MERRICK
Right, that too. Yes, of-of course.
THACK
Too much talk. Time go, track Buyer, cut off head. Maybe stab few times first.
MERRICK
There will be time for that, Thack. But first...
CAELUS
Yes, well, unfortunately the Archon’s tower is a week’s journey from here. We’ll simply have to seek our privileged information elsewhere.
MERRICK
Did they also steal your talkstone?
CAELUS
...No.
BENEDICT
“Talk stone”?
MERRICK
A device that allows for quick communication between one stone and another, even miles away.
BENEDICT
Clearly I’m missing something, because we spent three days waiting at this dingy tavern for a messenger to arrive, when all this time Caelus could have just—
CAELUS
No one writes anymore! Someone has to keep these charming traditions ali—
MERRICK
He hates speaking with her.
CAELUS
I really detest it.
BENEDICT
For the love of—Then I’ll do it!
CAELUS
No! I will...
SFX: Reaching into a pouch and pulling out an object
SFX: A magical “calling” sound
CAELUS (cont.)
I hope you all appreciate this.
BENEDICT
Would have appreciated it a lot more three days ag—
SFX: “Calling” sound terminates
CAELUS
Sh!
MAERWYNN
(distorted, echoey) Why if it isn’t my wayward apprentice, returning to me yet again, but only because he needs something. You received my note, I trust?
CAELUS
Yes, Archon.
MAERWYNN
(distorted, echoey) Oh, lovely. I’m pleasantly surprised that I won’t have to repeat myself for once.
BENEDICT
I can’t hear her. What’s she saying?
MERRICK
Only Caelus can.
BENEDICT
Ask her—
CAELUS
Silence!
MAERWYNN
(distorted, echoey) I beg your pardon.
CAELUS
Not you, Archon. I’m... presently surrounded by babbling idiots.
MAERWYNN
(distorted, echoey) Hm. Well you always have kept like company.
CAELUS
(a long sigh of frustration)
MAERWYNN
(distorted, echoey) Why have you called, apprentice?
CAELUS
My “like company” and I had possession of two of the Godstaff pieces—
MAERWYNN
(distorted, echoey) “Had”?
CAELUS
...Yes.
MAERWYNN
(distorted, echoey) You mean that you lost them?!
CAELUS
They were taken from us.
MUSIC CUE: Light touch, underscoring the stakes and emotion
MAERWYNN
(distorted, echoey) I was given to understand that your need of my expertise was academic in nature, though as you never were much of a student, I should have surmised that something was amiss...
CAELUS
We had it under control.
MAERWYNN
(distorted, echoey) Yes! Clearly.
CAELUS
Revered Archon, we need to know about the specific dangers that just two of these Godstaff pieces could pose.
MAERWYNN
(distorted, echoey) You should have come to me the moment you acquired even one of them. In theory, just one Godstaff piece could be used in one of the thirteen named forbidden rituals to channel the power of a god. But two...
CAELUS
Archon...?
MAERWYNN
(distorted, echoey) Two of them might be able to summon a god itself, the consequences of which would likely spell the end of most life on this world. Tell me at least that you lost them to someone who knows not their power.
CAELUS
I... wish that I could.
MAERWYNN
(distorted, echoey) Then the end is truly upon us. That is a great pity. I rather liked this world...
CAELUS
There is still a chance. We know at least where they’ve likely been taken.
MAERWYNN
(distorted, echoey) Yes... I suppose we must try. I will contact the Circle to see what of this power we can prevent, if anything. Unfortunately for us, however, we are too far away and acting far too late—it falls on you to stop this.
CAELUS
I’ll have help.
MAERWYNN
(distorted, echoey) You’ll need it. Farewell, apprentice. I regret that I could not have taught you more, despite your many shortcomings.
MUSIC CUE: Music ends
CAELUS
I’m quite content with the small amount I was somehow able to glean, Archon, despite your great arrogance. Farewell.
MAERWYNN
(distorted, echoey) Wh—
SFX: Talkstone effect cuts out; Caelus forcefully returns the talkstone to his pouch
CAELUS
Pompous old lich.
MERRICK
Sounds like that went well...
BENEDICT
What did she say?
CAELUS
That this is potentially far worse than we thought. A completed Godstaff isn’t our only concern—the individual pieces could also be used in a dark ritual of some kind to—
MERRICK
—to “cheat” the power of a god?
CAELUS
Yes, or in this case even summon a god itself. How would you know...?
THACK
That how pretty boy bring pointy ears back.
CAELUS
(sound of surprise)
BENEDICT
I mean... it wasn’t exactly a “dark” ritual, and I knew better than to use a Godstaff piece, but... yeah. I sort of did do that.
CAELUS
You really did that for me...?
BENEDICT
Of course.
CAELUS
That was reckless! And stupid! And you should not have done it under any circumstances!
BENEDICT
Preaching to the choir....
CAELUS
But thank you.
BENEDICT
You’re welcome, Caelus.
CAELUS
But don’t do it again!
BENEDICT
Moot point, but noted.
CAELUS
Enough of this talk! We need to move.
THACK
Thack say so hours ago...
CAELUS
(to Merrick) Homnett?
MERRICK
Homnett.
BENEDICT
Homnett?!
THACK
(skeptical growl)
CAELUS
It’s on our way and we desperately need more information.
BENEDICT
You said yourself that we know where the pieces have been taken. We aren’t we heading straight to the Baron’s keep?
MERRICK
Unless we absolutely have to, it’s too risky, Benedict.
BENEDICT
Don’t you think now might be the time to start taking a few—
MERRICK
We’d be walking in completely blind to an extremely well-guarded keep that we—actually you—robbed mere weeks ago. Remember that? And we don’t know our adversary even a little. If the Baron is simply collecting these pieces with no intent or ability to use them, then we can bide our time, steal them back when we have the advantage. But to go back in now... It would be suicide.
BENEDICT
But they already have the pieces...
CAELUS
The Buyer seems to enjoy torturing the people of this world too much to desire its end. I doubt he’s our concern. The Baron, however...
MUSIC CUE: Transitional, tense, building stakes
MERRICK
His “buyer” is a highly trained assassin who seems to do more wanton killing than actual purchasing; smart coin says that the Baron is, at the very least, not a nice person. But we still need to speak with someone who really knows the man before we go charging in.
BENEDICT
You can’t possibly mean...
THACK
Little man in little wooden home. Sound like Thack get violence after all...
ATHENA
After a day’s hurried journey back to a town you planned never to see again, you are quite surprised to be granted an immediate audience with Homnett’s Mayor, who, by all appearances, does not appear pleased to see “Homnett’s Heroes” again...
MAYOR
So you’ve returned. To the scene of the crime, so to speak.
MERRICK
...Mayor, I’m not sure what you—?
MAYOR
These orcs, Merrick.
THACK
Choose words careful, little man.
MAYOR
Ohh no no. Not this again. I’m not some kind of human supremacist, Thark—
BENEDICT
—“Thack”—
MAYOR
—Thack... but I do call it like I see it. They don’t do anything, far as I can tell, just lounge about all day, barking at one another, scaring the kids. And worse, now they’re... self-righteous.
THACK
Almost like orc think they have right to be here...?
MAYOR
Yes. Precisely.
THACK
(low growl)
MAYOR
That’s not even the worst of it. Those ruins... there was barely anything in there at all!
CAELUS
Oh no...!
MERRICK
You’re quite certain, Mayor?
MAYOR
Yes I am quite certain. I assume that’s why you’re here—to collect your share. Hate to tell you but all we have for our troubles are some pottery shards, old cutlery, and a dozen-plus pissed-off orcs. I hired you lot to clear them out, and instead... When you make a plan, you don’t expect that it’ll turn out exactly like you want. Of course not. But when things turn out so completely the opposite of how you planned them time and time again... Well, it’s very disappointing. Very.
THACK
Hm. Not disappointing for all...
MAYOR
And just what do you—
MERRICK
Mayor, if you’ll allow me... I may have a solution. Well, a-a partial solution.
MAYOR
I’m listening.
MERRICK
I have... something of an eye for hidden things. If there’s anything you missed down there, I’ll be certain to see it.
BENEDICT
Merrick, what are you possibly going to fi—
MERRICK
Who knows what might appear when you look again with fresh eyes?
BENEDICT
...Ah.
MAYOR
It might be worth a try, if you can get past... them.
THACK
“They” not be problem. Thack ask nicely.
MAYOR
Uh huh. And what will this cost me?
MERRICK
Almost nothing at all—we’re seeking audience with the Baron about another matter, and anything... personal, anything at all, that you could tell us about him would greatly help us—
MAYOR
Oh, well, he’s a dark cultist bent on the resurrection of Torak the Betrayer.
MUSIC CUE: The worst has come to pass
THACK
(grunt of surprise)
MERRICK
Wh— what?!
MAYOR
(laughs) Sure! We all are.
CAELUS
Excuse me??
MAYOR
Oh, calm down. It’s really more like a social club—once a month we’ll have a wine tasting, sing the Banished Lord’s praises, sacrifice some critter, grouse about the missus. Harmless fun! If you actually wanted to pull off the resurrection, you’d need several parts of the “Godstaff of Many Pieces”—at least two—and, heh, it’s not like any of us have those lying around!
BENEDICT
...Godwin’s balls.
JORDAN STILLMAN
Hi everyone—Jordan here with a podcast recommendation. If you’re into The Ordinary Epic, you’re going to absolutely love Inn Between. The show follows a scrappy band of unlikely adventurers from quest to quest, in episodes chock full of monsters, fighting, and friendship. It’s such a sweet, funny, and beautifully sincere show—I can’t recommend it enough. Here’s the trailer:
TESSA
You get all sorts of folks at the Goblin’s Head. It’s adventurers, usually, off seeking fame or money or honor, what have you, finding a party, joining a quest—you know the story, I’m sure.
VELUNE
(soothing) Miss, please, put away your axe, and sir, your sword. There’s no reason to fight.
STERLING