Season One, Episode 6: Amends

Updated: May 22, 2021


What can our heroes save before everything falls apart?


***The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener and reader discretion is advised.***



TRANSCRIPT


JORDAN STILLMAN

The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury, as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener discretion is advised.


ATHENA

The Ordinary Epic, Season One, Episode 6: Amends.


EMO

Hey, Athena... how was your week...?


ATHENA

It was okay, Emo; thanks for asking.


MARCUS

...See any good movies... or TV—?


ATHENA

Not really.


MARCUS

That’s cool...


ATHENA

Is everyone ready?


DANIEL

Yes, but... (awkward sound)


EMO

We’re really sorry about last week.


ATHENA

Don’t worry about that now.


DOMINIC

Do you still want this to be our last...?


ATHENA

Cell phones silenced?


MARCUS

I left mine at home this time...


EMO

How can we change your—?


ATHENA

Emo, everyone—that’s enough. We’re just going to enjoy tonight. Okay?


EMO/MARCUS/DOMINIC/DANIEL

(various resigned responses)


ATHENA

Everyone ready now?


EMO

I guess...


ATHENA

Okay.


MUSIC CUE: Tense, anticipatory music that builds straight into the main theme


ATHENA (cont.)

The next morning, while making preparations to leave from your extended stay at the Tipsy Troglodyte, you learn that the unthinkable has occurred...


SFX: Ambiance of upstairs bedroom at a tavern, morning


SFX: Benedict runs in, door slams open


BENEDICT

Everyone, uh...! I have some really bad news.


CAELUS

Oh, no—you’re a fundamentalist zealot again.


MERRICK

What happened, Benedict?


BENEDICT

The Godstaff pieces... they’re—


CAELUS

You lost them?


MERRICK

Stolen.


BENEDICT

Yeah...


THACK

That not good.


CAELUS

It’s a bit worse than “not good,” I’m afraid—it’s very, very bad.


MERRICK

How bad?


CAELUS

These pieces were hidden away from each other in the far corners of the world for good reason—the Godstaff’s power, when completely assembled, would be much greater than the sum of its individual parts.


THACK

More bloody battle, more glory. Thack not mind.


CAELUS

A completed Godstaff could spell disaster on a scale we cannot fathom and could not possibly stop, Thack. If we can’t prevent the pieces from joining together... then, my friends... I fear this could be the end.


THACK

Pointy ears say “friend”—Thack worried now.


BENEDICT

But... only if they fall into the wrong hands, right?


MERRICK

Whose hands do you think have them now...?


BENEDICT

...Right. Right. What are we going to do.


MUSIC: The Ordinary Epic opening theme.


SFX: Same ambiance as before


MERRICK

Let’s review what we know. Benedict, you told us that story about how the original Godstaff was shattered.


CAELUS

I believe you’ll find that I told that story. Benedict filled in the pointless mythical bits.


BENEDICT

I may not have the connection to Godwin that I once did, Caelus, but I still don’t appreciate this kind of blasphemy.


CAELUS

Ugh.


MERRICK

And they did this because—...?


BENEDICT

Torak the Betrayer shattered it, after a great conflict that nearly destroyed this world. We’ve seen what just two of the individual pieces can do. Imagine what the entire Godstaff must be capable of.


THACK

Anything...


BENEDICT

Yeah, see, that doesn’t sound as exciting to me as it does to you.


THACK

Sound like very big violence, that all. Sound fun.


BENEDICT

Not violence in the sense you’re thinking, Thack.


MERRICK

More like... “kaboom” we’re all dead?


BENEDICT

“Kaboom” everyone and everything is dead, all at once.


THACK

Hmph. That less fun.


CAELUS

That’s a bit of an oversimplification, but yes, that is one possibility of many, few of them good.


MERRICK

Did your mentor say anything in that message that could help us?


CAELUS

She does love to speak, but what she says is rarely of use.


MERRICK

Anything at all.


CAELUS

Most of what she wrote I already knew—her specialty, I’ll add—and intimated that in the hands of someone who knows what they’re doing and doesn’t care about the consequences, the individual pieces are almost as powerful, and dangerous, as the Godstaff itself.


BENEDICT

That’s reassuring...


MERRICK

But they only have two pieces, right? How are two pieces nearly as dangerous as the whole?


CAELUS

The Archon Maerwynn did not deign to specify.


MERRICK

Then we’ll have to speak with her, learn more about what we’re up against.


CAELUS

I’m surprised at you, Merrick. This really seems like the sort of thing you’d advocate running

from.


MERRICK

Yeah, well, running in this case wouldn’t be of much use, would it?


BENEDICT

Plus you promised to help me protect the pieces and keep them out of the wrong hands...


MERRICK

Right, that too. Yes, of-of course.


THACK

Too much talk. Time go, track Buyer, cut off head. Maybe stab few times first.


MERRICK

There will be time for that, Thack. But first...


CAELUS

Yes, well, unfortunately the Archon’s tower is a week’s journey from here. We’ll simply have to seek our privileged information elsewhere.


MERRICK

Did they also steal your talkstone?


CAELUS

...No.


BENEDICT

“Talk stone”?


MERRICK

A device that allows for quick communication between one stone and another, even miles away.


BENEDICT

Clearly I’m missing something, because we spent three days waiting at this dingy tavern for a messenger to arrive, when all this time Caelus could have just—


CAELUS

No one writes anymore! Someone has to keep these charming traditions ali—


MERRICK

He hates speaking with her.


CAELUS

I really detest it.


BENEDICT

For the love of—Then I’ll do it!


CAELUS

No! I will...


SFX: Reaching into a pouch and pulling out an object


SFX: A magical “calling” sound


CAELUS (cont.)

I hope you all appreciate this.


BENEDICT

Would have appreciated it a lot more three days ag—


SFX: “Calling” sound terminates


CAELUS

Sh!


MAERWYNN

(distorted, echoey) Why if it isn’t my wayward apprentice, returning to me yet again, but only because he needs something. You received my note, I trust?


CAELUS

Yes, Archon.


MAERWYNN

(distorted, echoey) Oh, lovely. I’m pleasantly surprised that I won’t have to repeat myself for once.


BENEDICT

I can’t hear her. What’s she saying?


MERRICK

Only Caelus can.


BENEDICT

Ask her—


CAELUS

Silence!


MAERWYNN

(distorted, echoey) I beg your pardon.


CAELUS

Not you, Archon. I’m... presently surrounded by babbling idiots.


MAERWYNN

(distorted, echoey) Hm. Well you always have kept like company.


CAELUS

(a long sigh of frustration)


MAERWYNN

(distorted, echoey) Why have you called, apprentice?


CAELUS

My “like company” and I had possession of two of the Godstaff pieces—


MAERWYNN

(distorted, echoey) “Had”?


CAELUS

...Yes.


MAERWYNN

(distorted, echoey) You mean that you lost them?!


CAELUS

They were taken from us.


MUSIC CUE: Light touch, underscoring the stakes and emotion


MAERWYNN

(distorted, echoey) I was given to understand that your need of my expertise was academic in nature, though as you never were much of a student, I should have surmised that something was amiss...


CAELUS

We had it under control.


MAERWYNN

(distorted, echoey) Yes! Clearly.


CAELUS

Revered Archon, we need to know about the specific dangers that just two of these Godstaff pieces could pose.


MAERWYNN

(distorted, echoey) You should have come to me the moment you acquired even one of them. In theory, just one Godstaff piece could be used in one of the thirteen named forbidden rituals to channel the power of a god. But two...


CAELUS

Archon...?


MAERWYNN

(distorted, echoey) Two of them might be able to summon a god itself, the consequences of which would likely spell the end of most life on this world. Tell me at least that you lost them to someone who knows not their power.


CAELUS

I... wish that I could.


MAERWYNN

(distorted, echoey) Then the end is truly upon us. That is a great pity. I rather liked this world...


CAELUS

There is still a chance. We know at least where they’ve likely been taken.


MAERWYNN

(distorted, echoey) Yes... I suppose we must try. I will contact the Circle to see what of this power we can prevent, if anything. Unfortunately for us, however, we are too far away and acting far too late—it falls on you to stop this.


CAELUS

I’ll have help.


MAERWYNN

(distorted, echoey) You’ll need it. Farewell, apprentice. I regret that I could not have taught you more, despite your many shortcomings.


MUSIC CUE: Music ends


CAELUS

I’m quite content with the small amount I was somehow able to glean, Archon, despite your great arrogance. Farewell.


MAERWYNN

(distorted, echoey) Wh—


SFX: Talkstone effect cuts out; Caelus forcefully returns the talkstone to his pouch


CAELUS

Pompous old lich.


MERRICK

Sounds like that went well...


BENEDICT

What did she say?


CAELUS

That this is potentially far worse than we thought. A completed Godstaff isn’t our only concern—the individual pieces could also be used in a dark ritual of some kind to—


MERRICK

—to “cheat” the power of a god?


CAELUS

Yes, or in this case even summon a god itself. How would you know...?


THACK

That how pretty boy bring pointy ears back.


CAELUS

(sound of surprise)


BENEDICT

I mean... it wasn’t exactly a “dark” ritual, and I knew better than to use a Godstaff piece, but... yeah. I sort of did do that.


CAELUS

You really did that for me...?


BENEDICT

Of course.


CAELUS

That was reckless! And stupid! And you should not have done it under any circumstances!


BENEDICT

Preaching to the choir....


CAELUS

But thank you.


BENEDICT

You’re welcome, Caelus.


CAELUS

But don’t do it again!


BENEDICT

Moot point, but noted.


CAELUS

Enough of this talk! We need to move.


THACK

Thack say so hours ago...


CAELUS

(to Merrick) Homnett?


MERRICK

Homnett.


BENEDICT

Homnett?!


THACK

(skeptical growl)


CAELUS

It’s on our way and we desperately need more information.


BENEDICT

You said yourself that we know where the pieces have been taken. We aren’t we heading straight to the Baron’s keep?


MERRICK

Unless we absolutely have to, it’s too risky, Benedict.


BENEDICT

Don’t you think now might be the time to start taking a few—


MERRICK

We’d be walking in completely blind to an extremely well-guarded keep that we—actually you—robbed mere weeks ago. Remember that? And we don’t know our adversary even a little. If the Baron is simply collecting these pieces with no intent or ability to use them, then we can bide our time, steal them back when we have the advantage. But to go back in now... It would be suicide.


BENEDICT

But they already have the pieces...


CAELUS

The Buyer seems to enjoy torturing the people of this world too much to desire its end. I doubt he’s our concern. The Baron, however...


MUSIC CUE: Transitional, tense, building stakes


MERRICK

His “buyer” is a highly trained assassin who seems to do more wanton killing than actual purchasing; smart coin says that the Baron is, at the very least, not a nice person. But we still need to speak with someone who really knows the man before we go charging in.


BENEDICT

You can’t possibly mean...


THACK

Little man in little wooden home. Sound like Thack get violence after all...


ATHENA

After a day’s hurried journey back to a town you planned never to see again, you are quite surprised to be granted an immediate audience with Homnett’s Mayor, who, by all appearances, does not appear pleased to see “Homnett’s Heroes” again...


MAYOR

So you’ve returned. To the scene of the crime, so to speak.


MERRICK

...Mayor, I’m not sure what you—?


MAYOR

These orcs, Merrick.


THACK

Choose words careful, little man.


MAYOR

Ohh no no. Not this again. I’m not some kind of human supremacist, Thark—


BENEDICT

—“Thack”—


MAYOR

—Thack... but I do call it like I see it. They don’t do anything, far as I can tell, just lounge about all day, barking at one another, scaring the kids. And worse, now they’re... self-righteous.


THACK

Almost like orc think they have right to be here...?


MAYOR

Yes. Precisely.


THACK

(low growl)


MAYOR

That’s not even the worst of it. Those ruins... there was barely anything in there at all!


CAELUS

Oh no...!


MERRICK

You’re quite certain, Mayor?


MAYOR

Yes I am quite certain. I assume that’s why you’re here—to collect your share. Hate to tell you but all we have for our troubles are some pottery shards, old cutlery, and a dozen-plus pissed-off orcs. I hired you lot to clear them out, and instead... When you make a plan, you don’t expect that it’ll turn out exactly like you want. Of course not. But when things turn out so completely the opposite of how you planned them time and time again... Well, it’s very disappointing. Very.


THACK

Hm. Not disappointing for all...


MAYOR

And just what do you—


MERRICK

Mayor, if you’ll allow me... I may have a solution. Well, a-a partial solution.


MAYOR

I’m listening.


MERRICK

I have... something of an eye for hidden things. If there’s anything you missed down there, I’ll be certain to see it.


BENEDICT

Merrick, what are you possibly going to fi—


MERRICK

Who knows what might appear when you look again with fresh eyes?


BENEDICT

...Ah.


MAYOR

It might be worth a try, if you can get past... them.


THACK

“They” not be problem. Thack ask nicely.


MAYOR

Uh huh. And what will this cost me?


MERRICK

Almost nothing at all—we’re seeking audience with the Baron about another matter, and anything... personal, anything at all, that you could tell us about him would greatly help us—


MAYOR

Oh, well, he’s a dark cultist bent on the resurrection of Torak the Betrayer.


MUSIC CUE: The worst has come to pass


THACK

(grunt of surprise)


MERRICK

Wh— what?!


MAYOR

(laughs) Sure! We all are.


CAELUS

Excuse me??


MAYOR

Oh, calm down. It’s really more like a social club—once a month we’ll have a wine tasting, sing the Banished Lord’s praises, sacrifice some critter, grouse about the missus. Harmless fun! If you actually wanted to pull off the resurrection, you’d need several parts of the “Godstaff of Many Pieces”—at least two—and, heh, it’s not like any of us have those lying around!


BENEDICT

...Godwin’s balls.


JORDAN STILLMAN

Hi everyone—Jordan here with a podcast recommendation. If you’re into The Ordinary Epic, you’re going to absolutely love Inn Between. The show follows a scrappy band of unlikely adventurers from quest to quest, in episodes chock full of monsters, fighting, and friendship. It’s such a sweet, funny, and beautifully sincere show—I can’t recommend it enough. Here’s the trailer:


TESSA

You get all sorts of folks at the Goblin’s Head. It’s adventurers, usually, off seeking fame or money or honor, what have you, finding a party, joining a quest—you know the story, I’m sure.


VELUNE

(soothing) Miss, please, put away your axe, and sir, your sword. There’s no reason to fight.


STERLING

Sir—or madame—


VELUNE

Oh, neither. Call me Friar, my son. What’s your name, young mage?


MELTYRE

Meltyre, member of the Circle of the Greenish Fire.


STERLING

Greenish?


MELTYRE

More sort of aquamarine?


FINA

Well I am Fina Butterbuns of the Hiltshire Butterbuns, halfling bard extraordinaire. (Plays a few cheerful notes on a guitar.) And this is my friend and associate. Betty.


BETTY

‘Sup.


FINA

And you, Paladon’t? What’s your moniker?


STERLING

(grudgingly) Sterling. Whitetower.


MELTYRE

Not Lord Sterling Whitetower?


VOICEOVER/TESSA:

Thrown together by circumstance, united by friendship, they’re off on their quest… And they keep coming back to my inn. For some reason.


FINA

Hey, Top Gun, you don’t want to push your luck with Betty. She’ll kill you.


MUSIC: Cuts out.


MELTYRE

(muttering) What’s a gun?


MUSIC: Comes back in.


STERLING

(panicked) Gods--gods, do something, someone!


MAN’S VOICE

Stake him! Stake him!


FINA

This is why we don’t split the party and leave the bard to protect the old person!


VELUNE

Sweet Pelor, have you been lying about who you are your entire life?


MELTYRE

We’re all going to die, Sterling, don’t you see that?


FINA

I don’t know how you roll so high.


VELUNE

Roll?


VOICEOVER/TESSA

Inn Between: a fantasy-adventure audio drama, now available on Apple Podcast, Spotify, Stitchr, or wherever you get podcasts. We’ll see you at the inn!


JORDAN STILLMAN

They’ve just started releasing season two, so now is the perfect time to start listening. We hope you’ll check it out. And now, back to The Ordinary Epic.


MUSIC CUE: Beginning of tense, high stakes, stealthy theme


CAELUS

(distorted, echoey) I would like to state, yet again, that I think this is a terrible plan.


MERRICK

(distorted, echoey) Your objections are noted, yet again. Thack was right—this is the best plan, Caelus. Maybe the only plan.


CAELUS

(distorted, echoey) That’s what worries me...


MERRICK

(distorted, echoey) It’ll work. And if it doesn’t... it won’t matter anyway. Benedict and I are in place.


CAELUS

(distorted, echoey) I’m ready. (normal voice) Thack, are you prepared?


THACK

(back in disguise as Lady Aurelia) Lady Aurelia very ready, pointy ears. Uh, “Lord Norton.”


CAELUS

Terrible plan... (distorted, echoey) We’re moving; go!


MUSIC CUE: Music ends


SFX: Sound of a reinforced door opening


SFX: Sound of armored man rising from desk


CHIEF GUARD

What is the meaning of— You! Caelus.


CAELUS

I expect you’ll have some questions of us, good si—... Ah, apologies... how did you address me?


THACK

Thought your name Lord Norton? Northam?


CHIEF GUARD

Caelus Skyree of the High Elves, isn’t it?


CAELUS

(reacts; they’re busted!)


CHIEF GUARD

It’s one thing to boldly walk back into the Baron’s estate after having just weeks ago masterminded a robbery here... but quite another to tangle an innocent maiden into your sinister scheme.


THACK

(giggles with delight) Innocent maiden not think beautiful man remember I!


CHIEF GUARD

Forget...? I’ve thought of little else...


CAELUS

(reacts; they’re... half busted?)


MUSIC CUE: Stealthy tense transition!


SFX: Two people padding stealthily down a hallway; one more stealthily than the other


MERRICK

(whispering) Benedict, Caelus’s invisibility spell doesn’t mute sound; you have to walk quietly too.


BENEDICT

(regular voice) How do I—?


MERRICK

Roll your feet! Also, whispering helps? How in the seven hells did you steal that second piece without getting caught?


BENEDICT

(whispering now) All the guards were after you.


MERRICK

You pressed an advantage.


BENEDICT

I got lucky.


SFX: A door opens, then distant armored footsteps approach


MERRICK

That alcove—go!


SFX: They scurry to a hiding place


BENEDICT/MERRICK

(breathing)


SFX: The two guards are getting closer


MALE GUARD

They’re heading where?


FEMALE GUARD

The dungeon laboratory. Kythorn left explicit instructions that he and the Baron were not to be disturbed, under any circumstances.