Are our heroes friendly gamers, or friends who also game?
***The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener and reader discretion is advised.***
TRANSCRIPT
JORDAN STILLMAN
The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury, as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener discretion is advised.
ATHENA
The Ordinary—
EMO
“Ohhhhhrdinahry!” Like that?
MARCUS
EPIC! Definitely epic.
DANIEL
Season... one? T-two...? O-one.
EMO
Season the first, episode the fifth!
DOMINIC
...“Table Talk.”
MUSIC CUE: Intrigue and mystery beginning to build
ATHENA
During your third night’s stay at the Tipsy Troglodyte, the courier at last arrives, bearing an important message from Caelus’s mentor, the Archon Maerwynn. Reading the scroll, you learn some troubling information about the two Godstaff pieces you’ve thus far—
MUSIC CUE: Music abruptly ends
SFX: A cell phone ring tone
MARCUS
I’m sorry, Athena.
ATHENA
It’s okay.
MARCUS
I have to, just real quick—
EMO
Guys! Pay very close attention. You’re about to witness an extraordinary phenomenon heretofore only observed in the subject’s natural, cubicle-based habitat.
MARCUS
I hate you. (sales-y voice) Zach my man, we have to stop meeting like this! Ha ha ha! Yes, absolutamundo, you’ll have their paperwork first thing tomorrow. Pretty good applicants, right?
DOMINIC
What... in... the...?
EMO
“Ha ha, right?! Ha.”
MARCUS
I told you I’d find good ones for ya! And you saw their landlord references? (continues in background)
DOMINIC
I’m utterly horrified and yet... can’t look away...
EMO
All day, every day, Monday to Friday.
DANIEL
Weekends, too.
EMO
Aaand that’s why I’m IT, not salesDID YOU JUST SAY “WEEKENDS”?
DANIEL
Some weekends...?
EMO
And how exactly would you know that, Daniel...?!
DANIEL
Know wh-what?
EMO
Don’t you play coy with me, boy. Is it possible that you’ve witnessed our man Marcus taking work calls on the weekend because the two of you have been “spending time” together on those same weekends??
DANIEL
Uhhhh...!
EMO
(squeals with joy)
MARCUS
(conversation coming to front) All right, Zach. See you first thing. Uh huh. Ha ha ha! Yeah. Later...
SFX: Marcus hangs up
DOMINIC
What... happened... to you? What did I just see?
MARCUS
It, you know. Business face, man.
DOMINIC
No... I really don’t...
MARCUS
Anyway, sorry Athena.
ATHENA
It’s okay. So—
EMO
Wait wait wait wait though. But wait, because Marcus and Daniel, Daniel and Marcus... Were you not even listening??
DOMINIC
“Absolutamundo.”
EMO
No, the other thing, Dom! Stay on target! These two, behind our backs, under our very noses—
MARCUS
Oh, yeah, we’ve been hanging out.
EMO
Uh huhhhhh...?
MARCUS
Yeah, just, you know. Guy stuff.
EMO
Uh huhhhhh...!
MARCUS
Two dudes. Doing dude things.
EMO
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand...?
MARCUS
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand it’s been fuuuuuuun...?
EMO
Haaaaaaaaaas it??
MARCUS
Yyyyyyesssss...?
DOMINIC
Yyyyyessss and perhaps we could eventually get to the game, or are we going to do whatever this is all night?
EMO
Uh, honestly I would much rather get to the bottom of this.
ATHENA
That’s fine.
EMO
See? Athena is also into it.
DOMINIC
She is not—she’s being “agreeable.”
ATHENA
Whatever you guys want to do, really.
MARCUS
Let’s just play. You can pull a Benedict and question me to death in the game.
EMO
I’m pleasantly surprised we’re not calling that a “Thack.”
DOMINIC
Well no, because a “Thack” is when you have one point to make and club everyone over the head with it. Repeatedly.
EMO
Heh. Yeah...
DOMINIC
A “Benedict” has more to do with making inane moral stands.
MARCUS
Come on, that was one time!
DANIEL
Twice. You also gave back the Mayor’s reward.
MARCUS
Oh yeah. Well then what’s a Caelus?
EMO
A “Caelus” is very similar to a “Dominic”—one has to be very well versed in both to see the difference.
DOMINIC
I should not have encouraged this. Let’s play?
EMO
Ding ding ding! That’s a Dominic. A “Caelus” is more “It would be beneficial to bow before my benevolence, you busty beautiful... alliteration alliteration alliteration.”
DOMINIC
What??
EMO
Same imperiousness, more whimsical approach?
DOMINIC
I’m... not going to take your bait. Let us play. Then you’ll see my “whimsy.”
EMO
Pfff ha ha ha. Okay...
ATHENA
...So we’re ready now?
DOMINIC / DANIEL
YES. / Yep.
MARCUS
Yes. Sorry again.
EMO
I’m ready, but I haven’t forgotten, you two...
DANIEL
(uncomfortable sound)
ATHENA
Okay. Where was I...
MUSIC CUE: Music resumes
ATHENA (cont.)
You learn some troubling information about the two Godstaff pieces you’ve thus far collected. According to the Archon, when united with the—
MUSIC CUE: Music abruptly ends
SFX: Same cell phone ring tone
MARCUS
(frustrated sound) I’m so sorry. I have to— (sales-y voice) Vinny, hey! You got my email, right? (fade to background)
ATHENA
It’s okay...
EMO
Alright, Daniel...!
DANIEL
(awkward sound that ends in a question mark)
DOMINIC
Emo, what a gossip you’ve become! Let the boys “hang out” or whatever in peace.
EMO
It’s not gossip—it’s whole-hearted unconditional support and enthusiasm, but with the one condition that they tell me everything.
(DOMINIC/EMO/DANIEL continue in background for a couple beats)
SFX: Their conversation, and Marcus’s, falls away; we are mostly on Athena now
ATHENA
It’s okay...
MUSIC: The Ordinary Epic opening theme.
MARCUS
—Yes, and I will— Ha ha, of course! Yes, of course. Sounds great, Vinny. Talk to you tomorrow.
SFX: Ending call
MARCUS (cont.)
(exhausted/exasperated sound)
EMO
So Daniel, what’s up with Marcus working weekends, huh?
MARCUS
Today is a Thursday...?
EMO
But you do work weekends.
MARCUS
Lately, yeah. I mean, you know how busy—
EMO
(“shushing” sound) I asked Daniel.
DANIEL
He... takes calls... some weekends...?
MARCUS
And a lot of evenings, as you’ve all realized by—
EMO
(louder “shushing” sound) Daniel.
DANIEL
(nervous sound?)
EMO
Must be kind of frustrating, huh? Kind of difficult to do “dude things” when one dude has to keep taking phone calls?
DOMINIC
I don’t care about this even a little. And I really don’t like all this table talk.
MARCUS
To answer your question... I think... work has gotten crazy. I finally figured out what I’m doing and now I don’t have time to breathe. It’s bad, folks.
DOMINIC
Yeah, that sounds awful...
ATHENA
You’ll still have time for our game nights, I hope?
EMO
OF COURSE HE WILL! RIGHT?!
MARCUS
(a Daniel-style squeak)
EMO
I swear to the first dark tentacled Elder One who answers my call that I’ll see you fired from this job before you start skipping game night.
MARCUS
Don’t go making unholy pacts just yet. I’ll make it work. I just have to—
SFX: Same cell phone ring tone
MARCUS (cont.)
...multitask. I gotta take this. Daniel, tell them your big news! (sales-y voice) Fran, hello! How are you? (continues in background)
ATHENA / EMO / DOMINIC
Daniel...? / Yyyyesss...? / What big news...?
DANIEL
It’s not big news. Well, it is big. But it isn’t news. It isn’t news yet. It’s too big to decide and that’s why it isn’t news. If I never decide then it will never be news. So, nevermind...?
EMO
Daniel, I know I’ve been kind of awful tonight—
DOMINIC
Just tonight? Really.
EMO
—but I get carried away when I’m this excited for my friends. And I’m so excited about this! I think it’s great! I hope you know that we love and support you unconditionally, no matter—
DANIEL
I’ve been accepted to a very prestigious medical school three hundred miles away.
EMO
Oh HELL no!!
ATHENA
That’s really wonderful, Daniel.
DOMINIC
Yeah, wonderful...
EMO
No it is not! I mean, yes, of course it is. But three hundred miles away?? Are you—would you Skype in to game nights, or...?
DANIEL
I... could try...?
EMO
You better try! When do you have to make a decision?
MARCUS
(conversation coming to front) No worries, Fran. Happy to help! Okie doke. Buh bye.
SFX: Marcus hangs up
MARCUS (cont.)
Soon! Real soon, right?
DANIEL
Too soon... I need to respond in two weeks and I haven’t even told my parents I’ve been accepted. They’ll die of excitement, obviously, but is it even what I want...? It’s exciting, I guess. I don’t know that I don’t want it, but it’s hard to separate my own feelings from what I know they’ve always wanted me to but oh God why is everyone staring at me?
EMO
All I have to do is not say anything and he’ll just keep talking! I can’t believe I didn’t figure this out months ago!
DANIEL
(awkward sound)
EMO
See? It’s me. The problem has always been me. (beat) Dom...?
DOMINIC
Hm?
EMO
“The problem has always been me”? Hello?? That was some mighty fine low-hanging fruit you missed. What’s going on in there?
DOMINIC
Nothing, obviously. Are we playing now?
DANIEL
Please, yes. Thanks for trying to help, but it’s something I have to figure out on my own.
MARCUS
But if you ever do want to talk about it...
DANIEL
Thanks, Marcus.
MARCUS
Of course, man.
EMO
Okay, well whatever is going on with you two, I just want you to know that I ship it, so hard. That’s all!
MARCUS
Noted...!
ATHENA
...Okay, so, should I...?
DOMINIC/EMO/MARCUS/DANIEL
(murmurs of agreement)
ATHENA
You’re sure this time...?
DOMINIC/EMO/MARCUS/DANIEL
(stronger murmurs of agreement)
ATHENA
Okay.
MUSIC CUE: Music resumes
ATHENA (cont.)
Having read his mentor’s missive, Caelus prepares to share with the rest of you what he’s learned, and what implications it may have for your impossible quest...
MUSIC CUE: Music fades out
SFX: A tavern at night; rowdy, but not overwhelming
CAELUS
(sighs) (a beat)
MERRICK
Go on, then...?
CAELUS
Yes, well. She had several things to say...
MERRICK
Goodness, not all at once...!
CAELUS
Chief among them that we’re in “great danger,” evidently. Nothing new there...
THACK
Uh. Pointy-ears drunk or somethin’?
CAELUS
Hm. Drunk. Yes, wouldn’t that be nice.
BENEDICT
Caelus...?
CAELUS
The message said that we... Well, the Godstaff pieces... we should... (sigh)
SFX: Return to real-world ambiance
DOMINIC
I... don’t know what’s wrong.
EMO
Is it something I said?
DOMINIC
No. What do you mean?
EMO
That upset you, or...?
DOMINIC
I’m not upset! I don’t get upset.
MARCUS
You never get upset.
DOMINIC
Being “upset” is a weaker mind’s response to one’s situation being, in some way, a disappointment... which simply cannot occur if one has deliberately structured one’s life in such a way... that...
MARCUS
It’s okay, man.
DOMINIC
As I was saying, I have—... “one can” simply code out the design flaws in one’s life. How can you be upset if you’re never disappointed? How can you be disappointed if you never expected the impossible...?
EMO
Dom...?
DOMINIC
I might... also... have to leave.
MUSIC CUE: Dramatic sting
JORDAN STILLMAN
Hey there, it's Jordan: Executive Producer of this show. Do you know what's awesome? Friendship! Consider reaching out to a friend who would just love this tale of ne'er-do-well adventurers and the people who play them. Word of mouth is incredibly helpful, so telling even one person would be an amazing way to support us. Thank you so much. And now, back to the show.
EMO
You might have to leave?? You mean, like, just tonight, or...?
DOMINIC
I regret this already. I don’t want to do a whole... “talking” thing.
EMO
Heaven forfend!
DOMINIC
You know what I mean. A tiresome... (unable to describe)
EMO
...“sharing your feelings and getting support” sort of thing?
DOMINIC
Yes. That.
EMO
Sounds awful.
DOMINIC
For once, it seems we agree.
MARCUS
You don’t have to talk about it, Dom, you don’t have to.
DOMINIC
Gosh, thanks, New Guy! What a relief!
MARCUS
“New Guy”! Bringing back the classics.
DOMINIC
(sighs) I’m sorry, Marcus.
EMO / MARCUS / DANIEL
Whaaaa...? / Wow. / Huh...
EMO (cont.)
Okay, something is definitely wrong. This is not the Dom we know and... know. What is going on? You don’t have to talk feelings. Just the facts, man.
DOMINIC
(heavy sigh)
EMO
Why might you have to leave?
DOMINIC
I’ve been sitting here... listening to your problems... and, well they’re ridiculous, frankly. Marcus is so employed that he can’t have all of the fun he wants. What a shame.
MARCUS
Hey, that’s not exactly—
EMO
Everyone, just steel yourselves against the pain. Bite on something if it helps. This is the only way...
DOMINIC
Nevermind. If Athena kept her table in order we wouldn’t be talking about this at all.
ATHENA
What do you mean by that, Dominic?
EMO
Athena! Steel! Pain is weakness leaving your body!
DOMINIC
I mean that this sort of table talk is the antithesis of good gaming. It’s termites in your floorboards. It’s corrosion. It’s rot.
ATHENA
And you think I should...
DOMINIC
Shut it down! I would. I’ve tried, but this isn’t my game. It’s yours, and you might try acting like it.
ATHENA
I see. Thank you, Dominic.
EMO
We’re so close, guys! Just hold on a little longer...!
DOMINIC
I’m really not trying to insult everyone, I’m just... being myself, I guess. That’s a “Dominic,” by the way. It’s when you alienate everyone because you... (sighs)
DANIEL
Was there something I said, Dom?
DOMINIC
No, it’s who you are, Daniel. You’re twenty-nothing and so talented and supported. Your parents wanted you to be a doctor? How awful. My parents hate me no matter what I do, or don’t do. They don’t want me to be a doctor—they never imagined anything in particular for me except that I would fail. And then they hate me for failing. I’m going to have to move back in with them.