Season One, Episode 5: Table Talk

Updated: May 22


Are our heroes friendly gamers, or friends who also game?


***The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener and reader discretion is advised.***



TRANSCRIPT


JORDAN STILLMAN

The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury, as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener discretion is advised.


ATHENA

The Ordinary—


EMO

“Ohhhhhrdinahry!” Like that?


MARCUS

EPIC! Definitely epic.


DANIEL

Season... one? T-two...? O-one.


EMO

Season the first, episode the fifth!


DOMINIC

...“Table Talk.”


MUSIC CUE: Intrigue and mystery beginning to build


ATHENA

During your third night’s stay at the Tipsy Troglodyte, the courier at last arrives, bearing an important message from Caelus’s mentor, the Archon Maerwynn. Reading the scroll, you learn some troubling information about the two Godstaff pieces you’ve thus far—


MUSIC CUE: Music abruptly ends


SFX: A cell phone ring tone


MARCUS

I’m sorry, Athena.


ATHENA

It’s okay.


MARCUS

I have to, just real quick—


EMO

Guys! Pay very close attention. You’re about to witness an extraordinary phenomenon heretofore only observed in the subject’s natural, cubicle-based habitat.


MARCUS

I hate you. (sales-y voice) Zach my man, we have to stop meeting like this! Ha ha ha! Yes, absolutamundo, you’ll have their paperwork first thing tomorrow. Pretty good applicants, right?


DOMINIC

What... in... the...?


EMO

“Ha ha, right?! Ha.”


MARCUS

I told you I’d find good ones for ya! And you saw their landlord references? (continues in background)


DOMINIC

I’m utterly horrified and yet... can’t look away...


EMO

All day, every day, Monday to Friday.


DANIEL

Weekends, too.


EMO

Aaand that’s why I’m IT, not salesDID YOU JUST SAY “WEEKENDS”?


DANIEL

Some weekends...?


EMO

And how exactly would you know that, Daniel...?!


DANIEL

Know wh-what?


EMO

Don’t you play coy with me, boy. Is it possible that you’ve witnessed our man Marcus taking work calls on the weekend because the two of you have been “spending time” together on those same weekends??


DANIEL

Uhhhh...!


EMO

(squeals with joy)


MARCUS

(conversation coming to front) All right, Zach. See you first thing. Uh huh. Ha ha ha! Yeah. Later...


SFX: Marcus hangs up


DOMINIC

What... happened... to you? What did I just see?


MARCUS

It, you know. Business face, man.


DOMINIC

No... I really don’t...


MARCUS

Anyway, sorry Athena.


ATHENA

It’s okay. So—


EMO

Wait wait wait wait though. But wait, because Marcus and Daniel, Daniel and Marcus... Were you not even listening??


DOMINIC

“Absolutamundo.”


EMO

No, the other thing, Dom! Stay on target! These two, behind our backs, under our very noses—


MARCUS

Oh, yeah, we’ve been hanging out.


EMO

Uh huhhhhh...?


MARCUS

Yeah, just, you know. Guy stuff.


EMO

Uh huhhhhh...!


MARCUS

Two dudes. Doing dude things.


EMO

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand...?


MARCUS

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand it’s been fuuuuuuun...?


EMO

Haaaaaaaaaas it??


MARCUS

Yyyyyyesssss...?


DOMINIC

Yyyyyessss and perhaps we could eventually get to the game, or are we going to do whatever this is all night?


EMO

Uh, honestly I would much rather get to the bottom of this.


ATHENA

That’s fine.


EMO

See? Athena is also into it.


DOMINIC

She is not—she’s being “agreeable.”


ATHENA

Whatever you guys want to do, really.


MARCUS

Let’s just play. You can pull a Benedict and question me to death in the game.


EMO

I’m pleasantly surprised we’re not calling that a “Thack.”


DOMINIC

Well no, because a “Thack” is when you have one point to make and club everyone over the head with it. Repeatedly.


EMO

Heh. Yeah...


DOMINIC

A “Benedict” has more to do with making inane moral stands.


MARCUS

Come on, that was one time!


DANIEL

Twice. You also gave back the Mayor’s reward.


MARCUS

Oh yeah. Well then what’s a Caelus?


EMO

A “Caelus” is very similar to a “Dominic”—one has to be very well versed in both to see the difference.


DOMINIC

I should not have encouraged this. Let’s play?


EMO

Ding ding ding! That’s a Dominic. A “Caelus” is more “It would be beneficial to bow before my benevolence, you busty beautiful... alliteration alliteration alliteration.”


DOMINIC

What??


EMO

Same imperiousness, more whimsical approach?


DOMINIC

I’m... not going to take your bait. Let us play. Then you’ll see my “whimsy.”


EMO

Pfff ha ha ha. Okay...


ATHENA

...So we’re ready now?


DOMINIC / DANIEL

YES. / Yep.


MARCUS

Yes. Sorry again.


EMO

I’m ready, but I haven’t forgotten, you two...


DANIEL

(uncomfortable sound)


ATHENA

Okay. Where was I...


MUSIC CUE: Music resumes


ATHENA (cont.)

You learn some troubling information about the two Godstaff pieces you’ve thus far collected. According to the Archon, when united with the—


MUSIC CUE: Music abruptly ends


SFX: Same cell phone ring tone


MARCUS

(frustrated sound) I’m so sorry. I have to— (sales-y voice) Vinny, hey! You got my email, right? (fade to background)


ATHENA

It’s okay...


EMO

Alright, Daniel...!


DANIEL

(awkward sound that ends in a question mark)


DOMINIC

Emo, what a gossip you’ve become! Let the boys “hang out” or whatever in peace.


EMO

It’s not gossip—it’s whole-hearted unconditional support and enthusiasm, but with the one condition that they tell me everything.


(DOMINIC/EMO/DANIEL continue in background for a couple beats)


SFX: Their conversation, and Marcus’s, falls away; we are mostly on Athena now


ATHENA

It’s okay...


MUSIC: The Ordinary Epic opening theme.


MARCUS

—Yes, and I will— Ha ha, of course! Yes, of course. Sounds great, Vinny. Talk to you tomorrow.


SFX: Ending call


MARCUS (cont.)

(exhausted/exasperated sound)


EMO

So Daniel, what’s up with Marcus working weekends, huh?


MARCUS

Today is a Thursday...?


EMO

But you do work weekends.


MARCUS

Lately, yeah. I mean, you know how busy—


EMO

(“shushing” sound) I asked Daniel.


DANIEL

He... takes calls... some weekends...?


MARCUS

And a lot of evenings, as you’ve all realized by—


EMO

(louder “shushing” sound) Daniel.


DANIEL

(nervous sound?)


EMO

Must be kind of frustrating, huh? Kind of difficult to do “dude things” when one dude has to keep taking phone calls?


DOMINIC

I don’t care about this even a little. And I really don’t like all this table talk.


MARCUS

To answer your question... I think... work has gotten crazy. I finally figured out what I’m doing and now I don’t have time to breathe. It’s bad, folks.


DOMINIC

Yeah, that sounds awful...


ATHENA

You’ll still have time for our game nights, I hope?


EMO

OF COURSE HE WILL! RIGHT?!


MARCUS

(a Daniel-style squeak)


EMO

I swear to the first dark tentacled Elder One who answers my call that I’ll see you fired from this job before you start skipping game night.


MARCUS

Don’t go making unholy pacts just yet. I’ll make it work. I just have to—


SFX: Same cell phone ring tone


MARCUS (cont.)

...multitask. I gotta take this. Daniel, tell them your big news! (sales-y voice) Fran, hello! How are you? (continues in background)


ATHENA / EMO / DOMINIC

Daniel...? / Yyyyesss...? / What big news...?


DANIEL

It’s not big news. Well, it is big. But it isn’t news. It isn’t news yet. It’s too big to decide and that’s why it isn’t news. If I never decide then it will never be news. So, nevermind...?


EMO

Daniel, I know I’ve been kind of awful tonight—


DOMINIC

Just tonight? Really.


EMO

—but I get carried away when I’m this excited for my friends. And I’m so excited about this! I think it’s great! I hope you know that we love and support you unconditionally, no matter—


DANIEL

I’ve been accepted to a very prestigious medical school three hundred miles away.


EMO

Oh HELL no!!


ATHENA

That’s really wonderful, Daniel.


DOMINIC

Yeah, wonderful...


EMO

No it is not! I mean, yes, of course it is. But three hundred miles away?? Are you—would you Skype in to game nights, or...?


DANIEL

I... could try...?


EMO

You better try! When do you have to make a decision?


MARCUS

(conversation coming to front) No worries, Fran. Happy to help! Okie doke. Buh bye.


SFX: Marcus hangs up


MARCUS (cont.)

Soon! Real soon, right?


DANIEL

Too soon... I need to respond in two weeks and I haven’t even told my parents I’ve been accepted. They’ll die of excitement, obviously, but is it even what I want...? It’s exciting, I guess. I don’t know that I don’t want it, but it’s hard to separate my own feelings from what I know they’ve always wanted me to but oh God why is everyone staring at me?


EMO

All I have to do is not say anything and he’ll just keep talking! I can’t believe I didn’t figure this out months ago!


DANIEL

(awkward sound)


EMO

See? It’s me. The problem has always been me. (beat) Dom...?


DOMINIC

Hm?


EMO