In disguise, our heroes reveal more than they intend.
***The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener and reader discretion is advised.***
TRANSCRIPT
JORDAN STILLMAN
The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury, as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener discretion is advised.
MUSIC: A lively selection from masquerade suite.
DANIEL
The Ordinary Epic, season one, episode four: Going Rogue.
MUSIC: Concludes.
ATHENA
So, guys...
EMO
Uh oh. This sounds ominous?
ATHENA
Nothing sinister, I promise. But I am trying something new this time.
EMO
Oooh, I love something new!
DOMINIC
“New”? Why??
ATHENA
I have a very loose idea of how this adventure might go, but I’m leaving the details entirely up to you. Go wild. And I will do my very best to keep up.
MARCUS
Improv. Nice.
EMO
You tried improv one time, right?
MARCUS
I just like the concept.
ATHENA
Anyway, it’s a bit out of my comfort zone, but I’ve learned the hard way not to overplan.
DOMINIC
Wouldn’t be a problem if you just controlled your table...
EMO
Dom! Be nice to Athena.
ATHENA
So if everyone’s ready?
DOMINIC
As long as Emo can behave herself this time...
EMO
Well that all depends—will we be murdering the marginalized creatures of this fantasy world for fun and profit tonight?
ATHENA
No, not tonight! Probably never again.
EMO
Then my work here is done.
MARCUS
Daniel, you’re quieter than usual. Everything okay?
DANIEL
Yep.
MARCUS
...You sure?
DANIEL
...Yep.
MARCUS
Nothing in particular going on?
DANIEL
Nope...?
MARCUS
Daniel, I swear, you are the original man of mystery.
DANIEL
Thank you?
MARCUS
Could you tell me just one thing about yourself? Anything.
DANIEL
(awkward sound starting to bloom)
EMO
Oh! He’s studying premed!
DOMINIC
He still lives with his parents.
EMO
He’s 22! I think.
DANIEL
...almost 22...
MARCUS
You’re 21! That’s great. Now I know something about you. Are you living at home to save money? I did that.
DANIEL
(awkward sound getting worse)
DOMINIC
That’s all you’re going to get, new guy. He’s like this with everyone.
EMO
Except when he’s Merrick.
MARCUS
Right. Merrick does talk...
ATHENA
Shall we?
EMO / DOMINIC / MARCUS / DANIEL
Yass! / Finally. / We shall... / Thank you...
MUSIC CUE: Music promising mystery, intrigue underscores Athena’s narration
SFX: The back corner of a mostly quiet tavern
ATHENA
After weeks on the run from the Buyer and his men, you finally get a lead: the Baron is throwing a lavish masquerade, and several noted antiquarians will be in attendance: the perfect opportunity to learn more about the Godstaff of Many Pieces—and, perhaps, who is after it—without risking unwanted attention. Now, to find a way in...
CAELUS
Then we are agreed?
THACK
Plan have no violence, but Thack go along. Maybe violence later?
CAELUS
Thack... violence will attract attention. Attention bad.
THACK
But violence so good...
MERRICK
If you believe your illusions will see us through—
CAELUS
Of course they will.
MERRICK
—I’ll... “aquire” our invitations tonight.
BENEDICT
“Aquire,” huh?
MERRICK
...Yes.
BENEDICT
Would that be forgery or theft?
MERRICK
We’re chasing your quest, Benedict. If you don’t like the particulars of how we do it then I suggest—
BENEDICT
Oh, no, sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m actually curious.
MERRICK
Really.
BENEDICT
I have to find myself a new path, right? I’m just exploring my options. Maybe thieving. Why not?
MERRICK
I prefer “the larcenous arts,” thank you. We will be borrowing the invitations of lesser nobility.
BENEDICT
But what if they also show up?
MERRICK
Strangely, all four of them will suffer very bad reactions to their extravagant dinners tonight. Nothing fatal, but they won’t be straying far from their chamber pots for the next day or two.
BENEDICT
That’s smart.
MERRICK
Thank you, Benedict.
BENEDICT
Where did you learn how to do all this?
MERRICK
Um...
BENEDICT
I mean, was it something you wanted to do or were you sort of born into it?
MERRICK
I... suppose that I was “born” into a different trade and chose this one for myself.
BENEDICT
That’s really interesting. What trade was that? Medicine, maybe? That’s where you learned about poison?
MERRICK
Yes, actually...
BENEDICT
So your parents wanted you to pursue medicine, but you didn’t.
MERRICK
That’s about the shape of it...!
BENEDICT
You’re truly a man of mystery, Merrick. I’m just curious to learn more about you.
MUSIC: “Fun” beat that foreshadows masquerade theme
MERRICK
Perhaps we could get to know me later?
BENEDICT
Oh, certainly. It’s a date.
MERRICK
(hard sigh)
MUSIC: The Ordinary Epic opening theme.
SFX: Outdoors, night. In the distance: sounds of people gathering for the masquerade.
MUSIC CUE: Distant music can be heard from inside the keep
THACK
Ugh. How women fight in tiny dress??
CAELUS
Mostly they don’t. And that’s the largest dress we could find.
THACK
It like a prison for Thack glorious belly.
MERRICK
If it makes you feel any better, Thack, mine’s a little tight, too. Also I look like a peacock.
BENEDICT
Yeah. Really prefer my robes.
CAELUS
What a group of negative nixies you all are! Mine fits fine. And I rather like how it looks...
THACK
Thack change mind. This bad plan.
CAELUS
It’s a fine plan. And it isn’t yet complete. Merrick, if you are prepared?
MERRICK
To share all of my thoughts with you? This is certain to be... illuminating.
CAELUS
How to explain this to a mundane... Not every thought—only the ones you concentrate on “sending” me. And vice versa.
MERRICK
That’s a relief.
CAELUS
It’s certainly possible to read your mind or browse your memories, but of course those are different spells.
MERRICK
...And you don’t know those ones, right?
CAELUS
Yet.
MERRICK
Oh good.
CAELUS
Mentes nostras et communicare consilia!
SFX: Mental link is established
MERRICK
Ah!
CAELUS
(distorted, echoey) Can you hear me?
MERRICK
Oh!!
CAELUS
Perfect. Merrick and I will be taking point on this; the rest of you would do well to say little and follow our lead. And as for our sore thumb here... hmm...
THACK
Pointy ears not want hear Thack thoughts.
CAELUS
I imagine they’re a lot like Thack words?
THACK
Yeah, but more killin’ ‘n’ sex.
CAELUS
Wouldn’t that be a treat. No, I’m more interested in your appearance.
THACK
That sexist.
CAELUS
Unfortunately, Lady Arelia is not a half-orc noblewoman. Your present appearance will draw attention. However... Mutaverit aspectum oculorum ad mundane!
SFX: An illusion!
BENEDICT / MERRICK
Um, wow. / Very interesting...
THACK
How Thack look...?
MERRICK
Quite a lot like a fair elven maiden. I’m pretty sure that Lady Arelia isn’t that, either.
CAELUS
Well an artist must take some liberty with his work. And besides—it’s a masquerade.
MERRICK
Mmm hm.
THACK
Pointy ears make Thack look like pointy ears?
CAELUS
Whose ears are the pointiest now, fair lady? And one final detail... Mutare vocem ad aures ingerunt!
SFX: Voice transform!
THACK
(transitions from gruff orc voice to high, lilting voice midsentence) No matter how Thack look, Thack still kick shit out of pointy ears if Thack... uhh what happening?
CAELUS
Hmm... it’s something of an improvement...
THACK
Improvement? Thack sound like Thack being strangled!
MERRICK / BENEDICT
(laugh)
THACK
It not funny!
MERRICK
It is a little funny.
THACK
(growls; does not sound at all threatening)
MERRICK / BENEDICT
(laugh harder)
CAELUS
It’s probably best if you don’t speak.
THACK
That also sexist.
CAELUS
Or, if you must, keep it to “yes,” “no thank you,” “m’lord,” or an endearing giggle.
THACK
(tries out an endearing giggle)
CAELUS
Right. Let’s not do that ever again. Shall we proceed?
BENEDICT
I’m with Merrick, right?
MERRICK
Seen and not heard, Benedict.
THACK
Thack ready.
CAELUS
You’re Lady Arelia now, not Thack.
THACK
Lady Arelia ready.
MERRICK
This is going to go really well. I just have that feeling.
MUSIC CUE: Bring up distant music under Athena
SFX: Bring up crowd walla under Athena
ATHENA
After more scrutiny than you would have liked from the Baron’s greeter... and the Baron’s guards... you enter a lavishly decorated main hall, the crowd before you seeming to swim with a dazzling array of colorful costumes and masks. Traveling minstrels provide music for the evening’s festivities, while more of the Baron’s guards keep a watchful eye on proceedings.
MERRICK
More security than I’d like...
CAELUS
You don’t think...?
MERRICK
As long as we act like we belong here, it shouldn’t be a problem.
THACK
Lady Arelia a pointy-ear maiden of large society. Of course Lady Arelia belong here. Who you, peasant?
CAELUS
Say “I” instead of your name. And it’s “high” society. And you don’t need to specify that you’re an elf. And don’t call anyone here a “peasant.” And actually just don’t say anything at all, please.
THACK
“I a maiden of high society”?
CAELUS
Ugh. “Lady Arelia” and I are going to inspect the hall a bit more. Perhaps we’ll detect trouble before trouble, inevitably, detects us.
MERRICK
Right. Benedict and I—by which I mean “mostly I, as Benedict has agreed to remain silent”—
BENEDICT
Have I...?
MERRICK
—will work the room, try to find antiquarians and, maybe, some answers.
CAELUS
Good luck.
MERRICK
Don’t believe in it, but thanks! You too.
SFX: Two normal-sized people in fancy attire walk away
MERRICK (cont.)
Now... which of you unsuspecting rubes is my first mark...
BENEDICT
It’s so interesting that you were a man of medicine who turned away from it.
MERRICK
Really? I don’t think it is.
BENEDICT
It is, because healing people is a path I chose... well, it was chosen for me but I liked it, I think... Anyway, that path sort of turned away from me, you know?
MERRICK
Yes, fascinating.
BENEDICT
So we’re the same, in a way.
MERRICK
Except that I had to fight for this choice. And it cost me... much.
BENEDICT
Yeah...?
MERRICK
I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s not going to work. You can’t con a con.
BENEDICT
Am I conning you?
MERRICK
You’re trying to get me to talk about how my controlling parents chose medicine for me, how I never really had a choice in the matter, and how betrayed they were when I instead turned to a life of cr—... larcenous artistry. Gods damn it, you conned me.
BENEDICT
Not at all! I’m just trying to get to know you.
MERRICK
Yes, but you’re using devious tactics to do it. Who knew that this strident, upright exterior hid such a rogue. You just might have a future in this after all.
BENEDICT
Oh, no. I couldn’t actually—
MERRICK
That’s what I thought. “I owe them everything; I have to be what they want me to be. I couldn’t possibly...” But I could, and I did. And it hurt, but I walked away from them, from everything. I created a life defined by freedom and movement—one in which I could do literally whatever I wanted. And so can you.
BENEDICT
That’s great, Merrick. So what was it exactly about the larcenous—?
MERRICK
What does it matter? We’re here to work, not talk about the past. Ah, here we go. Follow my lead...
SFX: Fade in couple as we approach them
NOBLE WOMAN
...husband and I give them shelter, a reasonable weekly allowance—we saved them from the streets, most likely.
NOBLE MAN
Almost certainly.
NOBLE WOMAN
What is the use of a servant if she cannot serve in a reasonable—?
MERRICK
Terribly sorry to interrupt your baleful tale, m’lady. I think we all know well your pain—the serving class truly are wretched.
NOBLE MAN
And you are...?
MERRICK
Oh, forgive me again—my manners. Rowan Dain, Count of Lorham, at your service.
NOBLE MAN
Yes, the lesser Dain. We’ve not had the pleasure. Remind me—what is your business?
MERRICK
Textiles, mostly.
NOBLE WOMAN
Mm. Simply fascinating.
MERRICK
You flatter me, m’lady. My true passion, though, is the collection and preservation of antiquities. My acquaintance and I were hoping to introduce ourselves to like-minded attendees.
BENEDICT
But what was it exactly, “Rowan,” about “antiquities” that drew you away from the textiling life? I’d really like to know.
MERRICK
...The same things that draw you to this art, no doubt!
NOBLE WOMAN
It is such a vital calling. The old world has so many treasures, and if not for your efforts they would molder in the ground or go to waste in the possession of some peasant, utterly unaware of its true worth.
NOBLE MAN
Indeed.
MERRICK
Yes, precisely! So you must be acquainted with some of the experts here tonight?
NOBLE WOMAN
Of course. When we first arrived, we exchanged pleasantries with Lord Peyton Hen—
BENEDICT
But I’m sure you fine people would agree—why waste your time on textiles at all, when “antiquing” is your true passion? Perhaps there are those who expect textiling of you, maybe they’ve even expected that you’d become a textile…r since the day you were born, but if you’re more about the antiquing life, then don’t you owe it to yourself to do that?
NOBLE WOMAN
Beg... pardon?
MERRICK
(hard sigh)
MUSIC CUE: Briefly bring up music
SFX: Briefly bring up crowd walla
CAELUS
Well, it doesn’t seem that they’ve attracted unwanted attention yet. What do you see?
THACK
Dozen guards so far, not patrol. Strongest one on that door.
CAELUS
Hm. Yes, I do detect a faint abjuration protecting it. Curious. And you can tell from here which are the strongest guards? They all look like overstuffed suits of armor to me.
THACK
A lady know these thing.
CAELUS
Hmph.
THACK
What “hmph”? And why pointy ears not look at Tha— I when I speaking?
CAELUS
It—... I simply find it—... There is something profoundly unsettling about you in this disguise.
THACK
Thought pointy ears prefer mouthy she-twerp with yellow hairs and torture clothes?
CAELUS
Over your usual self? Never. Well. Almost never. You do tend to wear the same outfit for months on end, to say nothing of your distinctive—
THACK
New man come this way.
CAELUS
Towards us directly?
THACK
Yup. Stronger than other two. Look maybe like leader.
SFX: Sound of armored guard approaching
CAELUS
Vecnu’s left testicle; this is just what we need right now. Follow my lead exactly—no doubt he knows something is amiss with you, but let’s not confirm his—
THACK
Hello beautiful man!
CAELUS
—suspicions.
CHIEF GUARD
Ah, hello, m’lady. I do not mean to trouble you—
CAELUS
It is no trouble at all, good sir. My companion and I—
THACK
“Companion”? Thought I lady?
CAELUS
—the lady and I, who is also my companion, by which I mean, of course, “friend”—
THACK
Ohhh. Ha. Right.
CAELUS
—are not accustomed to attending events as lavish and formal as this, and I must apologize profusely if we have given you any cause for—
CHIEF GUARD
No, m’lord, not at all. I only wondered if I might… know your name?
CAELUS
(audible surprise)
THACK
Me name? Mine?
CHIEF GUARD
Yes. There is a way about you… I can’t quite place it, but even across the hall I could tell that there is something… exceptional about you.
THACK
Oh. My name... Th-- Lady Arelia of Osthill.
CHIEF GUARD
Lady Arelia of Osthill.
THACK
Yup. That me…
CHIEF GUARD
And the two of you are not… here? That is, together?
CAELUS
(a peal of awkward/nervous laughter) Oh, no. No! Ahem. No, good sir, we are not.
CHIEF GUARD
Then you wouldn’t mind…?
CAELUS
Well, however—
THACK
I not mind. So… you Chieftan guard?
CHIEF GUARD
“Chieftan”! How clever. I am merely a “chief” guard, I’m afraid.
THACK
Well. Gotta start somewhere.
CAELUS
Wait… I recognize that man…
CHIEF GUARD
And you, Lady Arelia —
THACK
Oh, just Arelia fine.
CAELUS
(distant voice effect) Merrick.
MUSIC CUE: Briefly bring up music
SFX: Briefly bring up crowd walla
NOBLE WOMAN
—and you must of course speak with the Countess Seraphina Ormond, though her interests tend toward the macabre—totemic jawbones and the like. She’s in the purple feathered mask and red scarf.
MERRICK
Thank you so much m’lady. We certainly shall. And please forgive us—we’ve taken up so much of your time tonight.
NOBLE MAN
Oh, not at all…!
NOBLE WOMAN
Always a pleasure to speak with a fellow connoisseur, Rowan. And please don’t fret so about your friend’s profession—textiling might be dreadful work, but I’m certain he has people to do it for him.
BENEDICT
Yes. Quite.
NOBLE MAN
Come, let us see if the Baron has a moment for us.
NOBLE WOMAN
(walking away) If I dare say so beneath his own roof, the Baron is a bit of a peculiar man…
MERRICK
It’s time you also wandered off, Benedict.
BENEDICT
Hm. I don’t remember that part of the plan...
MERRICK
I can’t work with you running your own con on me. Scram.
BENEDICT
I’m sorry. I just wanted to get to know you better.
MERRICK
Get to know yourself better. Eat some rich people food. Steal something. Just… not here.
BENEDICT
Fine, Merrick. But I want you to know—this is a terrible date.
SFX: Benedict walking away
MERRICK
(calling after him) You were raised in a church! What would you know—… about. Talking to yourself. (deep breath) Okay. Next mark… Let’s start with—
BUYER
Greetings, friend.
MERRICK
Hello, good sir. Apologies, but I was just on my way to speak with Lord Peyton Hendry, famous antiquarian. I hear he retires early in the evening, so I wanted to be sure—
BUYER
You wish to speak with an expert on old, stolen things?
SFX: Music and crowd walla fall away
CAELUS
(distant voice effect) Merrick. Merrick…!
SFX: Music and crowd walla rise back up
MERRICK
Yes, I suppose I do…
BUYER
Then I would say that your expedition was a success, friend, with one small exception…