Season One, Episode 4: Going Rogue

Updated: May 22


In disguise, our heroes reveal more than they intend.


***The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener and reader discretion is advised.***



TRANSCRIPT

JORDAN STILLMAN

The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury, as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener discretion is advised.


MUSIC: A lively selection from masquerade suite.


DANIEL

The Ordinary Epic, season one, episode four: Going Rogue.


MUSIC: Concludes.


ATHENA

So, guys...


EMO

Uh oh. This sounds ominous?


ATHENA

Nothing sinister, I promise. But I am trying something new this time.


EMO

Oooh, I love something new!


DOMINIC

“New”? Why??


ATHENA

I have a very loose idea of how this adventure might go, but I’m leaving the details entirely up to you. Go wild. And I will do my very best to keep up.


MARCUS

Improv. Nice.


EMO

You tried improv one time, right?


MARCUS

I just like the concept.


ATHENA

Anyway, it’s a bit out of my comfort zone, but I’ve learned the hard way not to overplan.


DOMINIC

Wouldn’t be a problem if you just controlled your table...


EMO

Dom! Be nice to Athena.


ATHENA

So if everyone’s ready?


DOMINIC

As long as Emo can behave herself this time...


EMO

Well that all depends—will we be murdering the marginalized creatures of this fantasy world for fun and profit tonight?


ATHENA

No, not tonight! Probably never again.


EMO

Then my work here is done.


MARCUS

Daniel, you’re quieter than usual. Everything okay?


DANIEL

Yep.


MARCUS

...You sure?


DANIEL

...Yep.


MARCUS

Nothing in particular going on?


DANIEL

Nope...?


MARCUS

Daniel, I swear, you are the original man of mystery.


DANIEL

Thank you?


MARCUS

Could you tell me just one thing about yourself? Anything.


DANIEL

(awkward sound starting to bloom)


EMO

Oh! He’s studying premed!


DOMINIC

He still lives with his parents.


EMO

He’s 22! I think.


DANIEL

...almost 22...


MARCUS

You’re 21! That’s great. Now I know something about you. Are you living at home to save money? I did that.


DANIEL

(awkward sound getting worse)


DOMINIC

That’s all you’re going to get, new guy. He’s like this with everyone.


EMO

Except when he’s Merrick.


MARCUS

Right. Merrick does talk...


ATHENA

Shall we?


EMO / DOMINIC / MARCUS / DANIEL

Yass! / Finally. / We shall... / Thank you...


MUSIC CUE: Music promising mystery, intrigue underscores Athena’s narration


SFX: The back corner of a mostly quiet tavern


ATHENA

After weeks on the run from the Buyer and his men, you finally get a lead: the Baron is throwing a lavish masquerade, and several noted antiquarians will be in attendance: the perfect opportunity to learn more about the Godstaff of Many Pieces—and, perhaps, who is after it—without risking unwanted attention. Now, to find a way in...


CAELUS

Then we are agreed?


THACK

Plan have no violence, but Thack go along. Maybe violence later?


CAELUS

Thack... violence will attract attention. Attention bad.


THACK

But violence so good...


MERRICK

If you believe your illusions will see us through—


CAELUS

Of course they will.


MERRICK

—I’ll... “aquire” our invitations tonight.


BENEDICT

“Aquire,” huh?


MERRICK

...Yes.


BENEDICT

Would that be forgery or theft?


MERRICK

We’re chasing your quest, Benedict. If you don’t like the particulars of how we do it then I suggest—


BENEDICT

Oh, no, sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m actually curious.


MERRICK

Really.


BENEDICT

I have to find myself a new path, right? I’m just exploring my options. Maybe thieving. Why not?


MERRICK

I prefer “the larcenous arts,” thank you. We will be borrowing the invitations of lesser nobility.


BENEDICT

But what if they also show up?


MERRICK

Strangely, all four of them will suffer very bad reactions to their extravagant dinners tonight. Nothing fatal, but they won’t be straying far from their chamber pots for the next day or two.


BENEDICT

That’s smart.


MERRICK

Thank you, Benedict.


BENEDICT

Where did you learn how to do all this?


MERRICK

Um...


BENEDICT

I mean, was it something you wanted to do or were you sort of born into it?


MERRICK

I... suppose that I was “born” into a different trade and chose this one for myself.


BENEDICT

That’s really interesting. What trade was that? Medicine, maybe? That’s where you learned about poison?


MERRICK

Yes, actually...


BENEDICT

So your parents wanted you to pursue medicine, but you didn’t.


MERRICK

That’s about the shape of it...!


BENEDICT

You’re truly a man of mystery, Merrick. I’m just curious to learn more about you.


MUSIC: “Fun” beat that foreshadows masquerade theme


MERRICK

Perhaps we could get to know me later?


BENEDICT

Oh, certainly. It’s a date.


MERRICK

(hard sigh)


MUSIC: The Ordinary Epic opening theme.


SFX: Outdoors, night. In the distance: sounds of people gathering for the masquerade.


MUSIC CUE: Distant music can be heard from inside the keep


THACK

Ugh. How women fight in tiny dress??


CAELUS

Mostly they don’t. And that’s the largest dress we could find.


THACK

It like a prison for Thack glorious belly.


MERRICK

If it makes you feel any better, Thack, mine’s a little tight, too. Also I look like a peacock.


BENEDICT

Yeah. Really prefer my robes.


CAELUS

What a group of negative nixies you all are! Mine fits fine. And I rather like how it looks...


THACK

Thack change mind. This bad plan.


CAELUS

It’s a fine plan. And it isn’t yet complete. Merrick, if you are prepared?


MERRICK

To share all of my thoughts with you? This is certain to be... illuminating.


CAELUS

How to explain this to a mundane... Not every thought—only the ones you concentrate on “sending” me. And vice versa.


MERRICK

That’s a relief.


CAELUS

It’s certainly possible to read your mind or browse your memories, but of course those are different spells.


MERRICK

...And you don’t know those ones, right?


CAELUS

Yet.


MERRICK

Oh good.


CAELUS

Mentes nostras et communicare consilia!


SFX: Mental link is established


MERRICK

Ah!


CAELUS

(distorted, echoey) Can you hear me?


MERRICK

Oh!!


CAELUS

Perfect. Merrick and I will be taking point on this; the rest of you would do well to say little and follow our lead. And as for our sore thumb here... hmm...


THACK

Pointy ears not want hear Thack thoughts.


CAELUS

I imagine they’re a lot like Thack words?


THACK

Yeah, but more killin’ ‘n’ sex.


CAELUS

Wouldn’t that be a treat. No, I’m more interested in your appearance.


THACK

That sexist.


CAELUS

Unfortunately, Lady Arelia is not a half-orc noblewoman. Your present appearance will draw attention. However... Mutaverit aspectum oculorum ad mundane!


SFX: An illusion!


BENEDICT / MERRICK

Um, wow. / Very interesting...


THACK

How Thack look...?


MERRICK

Quite a lot like a fair elven maiden. I’m pretty sure that Lady Arelia isn’t that, either.


CAELUS

Well an artist must take some liberty with his work. And besides—it’s a masquerade.


MERRICK

Mmm hm.


THACK

Pointy ears make Thack look like pointy ears?


CAELUS

Whose ears are the pointiest now, fair lady? And one final detail... Mutare vocem ad aures ingerunt!


SFX: Voice transform!


THACK

(transitions from gruff orc voice to high, lilting voice midsentence) No matter how Thack look, Thack still kick shit out of pointy ears if Thack... uhh what happening?


CAELUS

Hmm... it’s something of an improvement...


THACK

Improvement? Thack sound like Thack being strangled!


MERRICK / BENEDICT

(laugh)


THACK

It not funny!


MERRICK

It is a little funny.


THACK

(growls; does not sound at all threatening)


MERRICK / BENEDICT

(laugh harder)


CAELUS

It’s probably best if you don’t speak.


THACK

That also sexist.


CAELUS

Or, if you must, keep it to “yes,” “no thank you,” “m’lord,” or an endearing giggle.


THACK

(tries out an endearing giggle)


CAELUS

Right. Let’s not do that ever again. Shall we proceed?


BENEDICT

I’m with Merrick, right?


MERRICK

Seen and not heard, Benedict.


THACK

Thack ready.


CAELUS

You’re Lady Arelia now, not Thack.