Being what you’re not to find out who you are.
***The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener and reader discretion is advised.***
TRANSCRIPT
JORDAN STILLMAN
The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury, as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener discretion is advised.
MUSIC: A lively selection from masquerade suite.
DANIEL
The Ordinary Epic, season one, episode four: Going Rogue.
MUSIC: Concludes.
ATHENA
So, guys...
EMO
Uh oh. This sounds ominous?
ATHENA
Nothing sinister, I promise. But I am trying something new this time.
EMO
Oooh, I love something new!
DOMINIC
“New”? Why??
ATHENA
I have a very loose idea of how this adventure might go, but I’m leaving the details entirely up to you. Go wild. And I will do my very best to keep up.
MARCUS
Improv. Nice.
EMO
You tried improv one time, right?
MARCUS
I just like the concept.
ATHENA
Anyway, it’s a bit out of my comfort zone, but I’ve learned the hard way not to overplan.
DOMINIC
Wouldn’t be a problem if you just controlled your table...
EMO
Dom! Be nice to Athena.
ATHENA
So if everyone’s ready?
DOMINIC
As long as Emo can behave herself this time...
EMO
Well that all depends—will we be murdering the marginalized creatures of this fantasy world for fun and profit tonight?
ATHENA
No, not tonight! Probably never again.
EMO
Then my work here is done.
MARCUS
Daniel, you’re quieter than usual. Everything okay?
DANIEL
Yep.
MARCUS
...You sure?
DANIEL
...Yep.
MARCUS
Nothing in particular going on?
DANIEL
Nope...?
MARCUS
Daniel, I swear, you are the original man of mystery.
DANIEL
Thank you?
MARCUS
Could you tell me just one thing about yourself? Anything.
DANIEL
(awkward sound starting to bloom)
EMO
Oh! He’s studying premed!
DOMINIC
He still lives with his parents.
EMO
He’s 22! I think.
DANIEL
...almost 22...
MARCUS
You’re 21! That’s great. Now I know something about you. Are you living at home to save money? I did that.
DANIEL
(awkward sound getting worse)
DOMINIC
That’s all you’re going to get, new guy. He’s like this with everyone.
EMO
Except when he’s Merrick.
MARCUS
Right. Merrick does talk...
ATHENA
Shall we?
EMO / DOMINIC / MARCUS / DANIEL
Yass! / Finally. / We shall... / Thank you...
MUSIC CUE: Music promising mystery, intrigue underscores Athena’s narration
SFX: The back corner of a mostly quiet tavern
ATHENA
After weeks on the run from the Buyer and his men, you finally get a lead: the Baron is throwing a lavish masquerade, and several noted antiquarians will be in attendance: the perfect opportunity to learn more about the Godstaff of Many Pieces—and, perhaps, who is after it—without risking unwanted attention. Now, to find a way in...
CAELUS
Then we are agreed?
THACK
Plan have no violence, but Thack go along. Maybe violence later?
CAELUS
Thack... violence will attract attention. Attention bad.
THACK
But violence so good...
MERRICK
If you believe your illusions will see us through—
CAELUS
Of course they will.
MERRICK
—I’ll... “aquire” our invitations tonight.
BENEDICT
“Aquire,” huh?
MERRICK
...Yes.
BENEDICT
Would that be forgery or theft?
MERRICK
We’re chasing your quest, Benedict. If you don’t like the particulars of how we do it then I suggest—
BENEDICT
Oh, no, sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m actually curious.
MERRICK
Really.
BENEDICT
I have to find myself a new path, right? I’m just exploring my options. Maybe thieving. Why not?
MERRICK
I prefer “the larcenous arts,” thank you. We will be borrowing the invitations of lesser nobility.
BENEDICT
But what if they also show up?
MERRICK
Strangely, all four of them will suffer very bad reactions to their extravagant dinners tonight. Nothing fatal, but they won’t be straying far from their chamber pots for the next day or two.
BENEDICT
That’s smart.
MERRICK
Thank you, Benedict.
BENEDICT
Where did you learn how to do all this?
MERRICK
Um...
BENEDICT
I mean, was it something you wanted to do or were you sort of born into it?
MERRICK
I... suppose that I was “born” into a different trade and chose this one for myself.
BENEDICT
That’s really interesting. What trade was that? Medicine, maybe? That’s where you learned about poison?
MERRICK
Yes, actually...
BENEDICT
So your parents wanted you to pursue medicine, but you didn’t.
MERRICK
That’s about the shape of it...!
BENEDICT
You’re truly a man of mystery, Merrick. I’m just curious to learn more about you.
MUSIC: “Fun” beat that foreshadows masquerade theme
MERRICK
Perhaps we could get to know me later?
BENEDICT
Oh, certainly. It’s a date.
MERRICK
(hard sigh)
MUSIC: The Ordinary Epic opening theme.
SFX: Outdoors, night. In the distance: sounds of people gathering for the masquerade.
MUSIC CUE: Distant music can be heard from inside the keep
THACK
Ugh. How women fight in tiny dress??
CAELUS
Mostly they don’t. And that’s the largest dress we could find.
THACK
It like a prison for Thack glorious belly.
MERRICK
If it makes you feel any better, Thack, mine’s a little tight, too. Also I look like a peacock.
BENEDICT
Yeah. Really prefer my robes.
CAELUS
What a group of negative nixies you all are! Mine fits fine. And I rather like how it looks...
THACK
Thack change mind. This bad plan.
CAELUS
It’s a fine plan. And it isn’t yet complete. Merrick, if you are prepared?
MERRICK
To share all of my thoughts with you? This is certain to be... illuminating.
CAELUS
How to explain this to a mundane... Not every thought—only the ones you concentrate on “sending” me. And vice versa.
MERRICK
That’s a relief.
CAELUS
It’s certainly possible to read your mind or browse your memories, but of course those are different spells.
MERRICK
...And you don’t know those ones, right?
CAELUS
Yet.
MERRICK
Oh good.
CAELUS
Mentes nostras et communicare consilia!
SFX: Mental link is established
MERRICK
Ah!
CAELUS
(distorted, echoey) Can you hear me?
MERRICK
Oh!!
CAELUS
Perfect. Merrick and I will be taking point on this; the rest of you would do well to say little and follow our lead. And as for our sore thumb here... hmm...
THACK
Pointy ears not want hear Thack thoughts.
CAELUS
I imagine they’re a lot like Thack words?
THACK
Yeah, but more killin’ ‘n’ sex.
CAELUS
Wouldn’t that be a treat. No, I’m more interested in your appearance.
THACK
That sexist.
CAELUS
Unfortunately, Lady Arelia is not a half-orc noblewoman. Your present appearance will draw attention. However... Mutaverit aspectum oculorum ad mundane!
SFX: An illusion!
BENEDICT / MERRICK
Um, wow. / Very interesting...
THACK
How Thack look...?
MERRICK
Quite a lot like a fair elven maiden. I’m pretty sure that Lady Arelia isn’t that, either.
CAELUS
Well an artist must take some liberty with his work. And besides—it’s a masquerade.
MERRICK
Mmm hm.
THACK
Pointy ears make Thack look like pointy ears?
CAELUS
Whose ears are the pointiest now, fair lady? And one final detail... Mutare vocem ad aures ingerunt!
SFX: Voice transform!
THACK
(transitions from gruff orc voice to high, lilting voice midsentence) No matter how Thack look, Thack still kick shit out of pointy ears if Thack... uhh what happening?
CAELUS
Hmm... it’s something of an improvement...
THACK
Improvement? Thack sound like Thack being strangled!
MERRICK / BENEDICT
(laugh)
THACK
It not funny!
MERRICK
It is a little funny.
THACK
(growls; does not sound at all threatening)
MERRICK / BENEDICT
(laugh harder)
CAELUS
It’s probably best if you don’t speak.
THACK
That also sexist.
CAELUS
Or, if you must, keep it to “yes,” “no thank you,” “m’lord,” or an endearing giggle.
THACK
(tries out an endearing giggle)
CAELUS
Right. Let’s not do that ever again. Shall we proceed?
BENEDICT
I’m with Merrick, right?
MERRICK
Seen and not heard, Benedict.
THACK
Thack ready.
CAELUS
You’re Lady Arelia now, not Thack.
THACK
Lady Arelia ready.
MERRICK
This is going to go really well. I just have that feeling.
MUSIC CUE: Bring up distant music under Athena
SFX: Bring up crowd walla under Athena
ATHENA
After more scrutiny than you would have liked from the Baron’s greeter... and the Baron’s guards... you enter a lavishly decorated main hall, the crowd before you seeming to swim with a dazzling array of colorful costumes and masks. Traveling minstrels provide music for the evening’s festivities, while more of the Baron’s guards keep a watchful eye on proceedings.
MERRICK
More security than I’d like...
CAELUS
You don’t think...?
MERRICK
As long as we act like we belong here, it shouldn’t be a problem.
THACK
Lady Arelia a pointy-ear maiden of large society. Of course Lady Arelia belong here. Who you, peasant?
CAELUS
Say “I” instead of your name. And it’s “high” society. And you don’t need to specify that you’re an elf. And don’t call anyone here a “peasant.” And actually just don’t say anything at all, please.
THACK
“I a maiden of high society”?
CAELUS
Ugh. “Lady Arelia” and I are going to inspect the hall a bit more. Perhaps we’ll detect trouble before trouble, inevitably, detects us.
MERRICK
Right. Benedict and I—by which I mean “mostly I, as Benedict has agreed to remain silent”—
BENEDICT
Have I...?
MERRICK
—will work the room, try to find antiquarians and, maybe, some answers.
CAELUS
Good luck.
MERRICK
Don’t believe in it, but thanks! You too.
SFX: Two normal-sized people in fancy attire walk away
MERRICK (cont.)
Now... which of you unsuspecting rubes is my first mark...
BENEDICT
It’s so interesting that you were a man of medicine who turned away from it.
MERRICK
Really? I don’t think it is.
BENEDICT
It is, because healing people is a path I chose... well, it was chosen for me but I liked it, I think... Anyway, that path sort of turned away from me, you know?
MERRICK
Yes, fascinating.
BENEDICT
So we’re the same, in a way.
MERRICK
Except that I had to fight for this choice. And it cost me... much.
BENEDICT
Yeah...?
MERRICK
I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s not going to work. You can’t con a con.
BENEDICT
Am I conning you?
MERRICK
You’re trying to get me to talk about how my controlling parents chose medicine for me, how I never really had a choice in the matter, and how betrayed they were when I instead turned to a life of cr—... larcenous artistry. Gods damn it, you conned me.
BENEDICT
Not at all! I’m just trying to get to know you.
MERRICK
Yes, but you’re using devious tactics to do it. Who knew that this strident, upright exterior hid such a rogue. You just might have a future in this after all.
BENEDICT
Oh, no. I couldn’t actually—
MERRICK
That’s what I thought. “I owe them everything; I have to be what they want me to be. I couldn’t possibly...” But I could, and I did. And it hurt, but I walked away from them, from everything. I created a life defined by freedom and movement—one in which I could do literally whatever I wanted. And so can you.
BENEDICT
That’s great, Merrick. So what was it exactly about the larcenous—?
MERRICK
What does it matter? We’re here to work, not talk about the past. Ah, here we go. Follow my lead...
SFX: Fade in couple as we approach them
NOBLE WOMAN
...husband and I give them shelter, a reasonable weekly allowance—we saved them from the streets, most likely.
NOBLE MAN
Almost certainly.
NOBLE WOMAN
What is the use of a servant if she cannot serve in a reasonable—?
MERRICK
Terribly sorry to interrupt your baleful tale, m’lady. I think we all know well your pain—the serving class truly are wretched.
NOBLE MAN
And you are...?
MERRICK
Oh, forgive me again—my manners. Rowan Dain, Count of Lorham, at your service.
NOBLE MAN
Yes, the lesser Dain. We’ve not had the pleasure. Remind me—what is your business?
MERRICK
Textiles, mostly.
NOBLE WOMAN
Mm. Simply fascinating.
MERRICK
You flatter me, m’lady. My true passion, though, is the collection and preservation of antiquities. My acquaintance and I were hoping to introduce ourselves to like-minded attendees.
BENEDICT
But what was it exactly, “Rowan,” about “antiquities” that drew you away from the textiling life? I’d really like to know.
MERRICK
...The same things that draw you to this art, no doubt!
NOBLE WOMAN
It is such a vital calling. The old world has so many treasures, and if not for your efforts they would molder in the ground or go to waste in the possession of some peasant, utterly unaware of its true worth.
NOBLE MAN
Indeed.
MERRICK
Yes, precisely! So you must be acquainted with some of the experts here tonight?
NOBLE WOMAN
Of course. When we first arrived, we exchanged pleasantries with Lord Peyton Hen—
BENEDICT
But I’m sure you fine people would agree—why waste your time on textiles at all, when “antiquing” is your true passion? Perhaps there are those who expect textiling of you, maybe they’ve even expected that you’d become a textile…r since the day you were born, but if you’re more about the antiquing life, then don’t you owe it to yourself to do that?
NOBLE WOMAN
Beg... pardon?
MERRICK
(hard sigh)
MUSIC CUE: Briefly bring up music
SFX: Briefly bring up crowd walla
CAELUS
Well, it doesn’t seem that they’ve attracted unwanted attention yet. What do you see?
THACK
Dozen guards so far, not patrol. Strongest one on that door.
CAELUS
Hm. Yes, I do detect a faint abjuration protecting it. Curious. And you can tell from here which are the strongest guards? They all look like overstuffed suits of armor to me.
THACK
A lady know these thing.
CAELUS
Hmph.
THACK
What “hmph”? And why pointy ears not look at Tha— I when I speaking?
CAELUS
It—... I simply find it—... There is something profoundly unsettling about you in this disguise.
THACK
Thought pointy ears prefer mouthy she-twerp with yellow hairs and torture clothes?
CAELUS
Over your usual self? Never. Well. Almost never. You do tend to wear the same outfit for months on end, to say nothing of your distinctive—
THACK
New man come this way.
CAELUS
Towards us directly?
THACK
Yup. Stronger than other two. Look maybe like leader.
SFX: Sound of armored guard approaching
CAELUS
Vecnu’s left testicle; this is just what we need right now. Follow my lead exactly—no doubt he knows something is amiss with you, but let’s not confirm his—
THACK
Hello beautiful man!
CAELUS
—suspicions.
CHIEF GUARD
Ah, hello, m’lady. I do not mean to trouble you—
CAELUS
It is no trouble at all, good sir. My companion and I—
THACK
“Companion”? Thought I lady?
CAELUS
—the lady and I, who is also my companion, by which I mean, of course, “friend”—
THACK
Ohhh. Ha. Right.
CAELUS
—are not accustomed to attending events as lavish and formal as this, and I must apologize profusely if we have given you any cause for—
CHIEF GUARD
No, m’lord, not at all. I only wondered if I might… know your name?
CAELUS
(audible surprise)
THACK
Me name? Mine?
CHIEF GUARD
Yes. There is a way about you… I can’t quite place it, but even across the hall I could tell that there is something… exceptional about you.
THACK
Oh. My name... Th-- Lady Arelia of Osthill.
CHIEF GUARD
Lady Arelia of Osthill.
THACK
Yup. That me…
CHIEF GUARD
And the two of you are not… here? That is, together?
CAELUS
(a peal of awkward/nervous laughter) Oh, no. No! Ahem. No, good sir, we are not.
CHIEF GUARD
Then you wouldn’t mind…?
CAELUS
Well, however—
THACK
I not mind. So… you Chieftan guard?
CHIEF GUARD
“Chieftan”! How clever. I am merely a “chief” guard, I’m afraid.
THACK
Well. Gotta start somewhere.
CAELUS
Wait… I recognize that man…
CHIEF GUARD
And you, Lady Arelia —
THACK
Oh, just Arelia fine.
CAELUS
(distant voice effect) Merrick.
MUSIC CUE: Briefly bring up music
SFX: Briefly bring up crowd walla
NOBLE WOMAN
—and you must of course speak with the Countess Seraphina Ormond, though her interests tend toward the macabre—totemic jawbones and the like. She’s in the purple feathered mask and red scarf.
MERRICK
Thank you so much m’lady. We certainly shall. And please forgive us—we’ve taken up so much of your time tonight.
NOBLE MAN
Oh, not at all…!
NOBLE WOMAN
Always a pleasure to speak with a fellow connoisseur, Rowan. And please don’t fret so about your friend’s profession—textiling might be dreadful work, but I’m certain he has people to do it for him.
BENEDICT
Yes. Quite.
NOBLE MAN
Come, let us see if the Baron has a moment for us.
NOBLE WOMAN
(walking away) If I dare say so beneath his own roof, the Baron is a bit of a peculiar man…
MERRICK
It’s time you also wandered off, Benedict.
BENEDICT
Hm. I don’t remember that part of the plan...
MERRICK
I can’t work with you running your own con on me. Scram.
BENEDICT
I’m sorry. I just wanted to get to know you better.
MERRICK
Get to know yourself better. Eat some rich people food. Steal something. Just… not here.
BENEDICT
Fine, Merrick. But I want you to know—this is a terrible date.
SFX: Benedict walking away
MERRICK
(calling after him) You were raised in a church! What would you know—… about. Talking to yourself. (deep breath) Okay. Next mark… Let’s start with—
BUYER
Greetings, friend.
MERRICK
Hello, good sir. Apologies, but I was just on my way to speak with Lord Peyton Hendry, famous antiquarian. I hear he retires early in the evening, so I wanted to be sure—
BUYER
You wish to speak with an expert on old, stolen things?
SFX: Music and crowd walla fall away
CAELUS
(distant voice effect) Merrick. Merrick…!
SFX: Music and crowd walla rise back up
MERRICK
Yes, I suppose I do…
BUYER
Then I would say that your expedition was a success, friend, with one small exception…
SFX: Shink! of a long dagger being drawn and pressed to Merrick’s side
MERRICK
(reacts to the dagger) You…
BUYER
Where you were seeking gold, instead you found steel.
MUSIC: Fades out.
JORDAN STILLMAN
Hey guys, Executive Producer Jordan Stillman here with a quick question for you: Have you checked out our Patreon? If not, you totally should! It’s an easy way to show your support and get great extras in return: recording scripts, exclusive behind-the-scenes content, and even the original soundtrack and ad-free high-definition versions of each episode as they’re available. And, the more listeners who join our community, the closer we’ll be to recovering our costs from season one and being able to confidently start work on a second season. Check it out at patreon.com/theordinaryepic. And now, back to the show.
MUSIC: A new movement begins—more tense.
CAELUS
(distant voice effect) Merrick…! Can you hear me? You are speaking with the Buyer. Merrick!
SFX: Bring crowd walla back up
CAELUS (cont.)
Damn it.
CHIEF GUARD
I suppose it is a good job—easier by far than killing for coin.
THACK
Bet not as fun, though?
CHIEF GUARD
It can be fun. Sometimes I meet beautiful elven women.
THACK
Bet you say that to all pointy ears.
CHIEF GUARD
Not all. Your friend, for instance. Was… that offensive m’lord? Forgive me.
CAELUS
I’m afraid we really must excuse ourselves…
THACK
No we not!
CHIEF GUARD
I have offended you. I meant only that I find the lady’s ears… wonderfully exotic. Not just her ears, of course. Her beautiful almond eyes…
CAELUS
Oh, you really don’t have to…
THACK
Please more thanks…
CHIEF GUARD
…the most slender wrists…
CAELUS
I do not mean to alarm you, but I believe there are ne’er-do-wells about!
CHIEF GUARD
Where?
CAELUS
Oh! No… particular… Only, I wonder if there might be ne’er-do-wells? About? It’s a feeling I have. Based on nothing concrete. Regardless, perhaps you should investigate?
THACK
Bet Chief Guard see all threats.
CHIEF GUARD
Indeed I do. Do not worry yourself, m’lord—the Baron has taken all precautions to ensure a smooth masquerade. You are well guarded tonight.
THACK
Even flank? That difficult to guard…
CHIEF GUARD
Especially your flank…
CAELUS
(sound of despair)
SFX: Music and crowd walla fall away
MERRICK
(distant voice effect) …Caelus…
CAELUS
(distant voice effect) Merrick! The Buyer—
MERRICK
(distant voice effect) —has a dagger pressed against my kidney.
CAELUS
(distant voice effect) You can survive with just one...
MERRICK
(distant voice effect) He’s trained, Caelus. Highly. I can’t get away.
CAELUS
(distant voice effect) I’ll be there as quickly as possible.
SFX: Music and crowd walla rise back up
SFX: Armored guard approaching
CAELUS (cont.)
Well unfortunately I fear that I really must—
MALE GUARD
Sir—
CHIEF GUARD
Why are you not on the door?
MALE GUARD
—there might be a problem.
CHIEF GUARD
Go ahead.
MALE GUARD
There’s a known thief about—Kythorn has gone to confront him and requests backup.
CHIEF GUARD
What else?
MALE GUARD
He’s known to have dangerous friends as well—an elven sage and a troll berserker.
CAELUS
“Mage,” with a-- I’m sure you meant…
CHIEF GUARD
This cutpurse is known to you, m’lord?
CAELUS
I espied him earlier—a minor rapscallion. He’s spent an evening or three in our jail. Has a bit of a gambling problem. Drinks too much. Lazy eye. I wouldn’t worry yourself unduly.
MALE GUARD
According to Kythorn he’s a person of extreme interest, haven stolen something belonging to the Baron?
CAELUS
I should hope that the presence of a “troll berserker” would not escape you! It sounds to me that gossip and hearsay are the only thieves about tonight.
CHIEF GUARD
Go. Deal with it.
CAELUS
(small sound of despair)
MALE GUARD
Yes, sir.
SFX: Armored guard walking away
CHIEF GUARD
It’s curious to me, m’lord, that you are at one moment concerned about the presence of ne’er-do-wells and the next convinced there are none.
CAELUS
I find your presence extremely reassuring?
SFX: Armored guard approaches at a run
FEMALE GUARD
Sir!
CHIEF GUARD
What now?
FEMALE GUARD
There’s been a break-in! The Baron’s vault.
CAELUS
Certainly you will want to investigate that yourself…?
CHIEF GUARD
Indeed. My lady… another time.
SFX: Two armored people briskly walking away
THACK
Soon I hoping…! Thack about to have sex time! What that all about?!
MUSIC CUE: Briefly bring up music
SFX: Briefly bring up crowd walla
BUYER
I suppose you think yourself pretty clever.
MERRICK
Not particularly…
BUYER
You stole my treasure, killed my men. Killed more of my men and escaped our ambush alive. Well, mostly alive. How is the elf?
MERRICK
A little bit riddled with holes, but it might have been worse—
his face isn’t a ruin of badly healed burns.
SFX: Twist of dagger
MERRICK
(reacts)
BUYER
Even at death’s precipice you’re still cracking wise. I thought I was reckless…
MERRICK
I take it then that you work for the Baron? You’re his buyer?
BUYER
Mmm, in a sense. I help with the more unsavory tasks of managing a barony—acquiring things, sometimes killing the people who currently have those things…
MERRICK
You know, I’d be pretty good at that. Is the Baron hiring?
SFX: Hard twist of dagger
MERRICK (cont.)
Oh...!
BUYER
No more of your silver tongue, Merrick. I want the Godstaff piece and I want it now.
SFX: Music and crowd walla fall away
CAELUS
(distant voice effect) Merrick, extract yourself now. Guards are on their way.
MERRICK
(distant voice effect) I can’t—he has me. Find Benedict and get out of here.
SFX: Music and crowd walla rise up
BUYER
Well?
MERRICK
How many… Godstaff pieces does the Baron already have?
BUYER
Why do you assume he does?
MERRICK
It’s a set, isn’t it? The Baron wouldn’t be much of a collector if—
BUYER
Not that it matters, but one other. A happy accident, really. We took it from that sweet little parish you lead us to.
MERRICK
Ours burnt off half of your face. What’s yours do?
BENEDICT
Charm.
SFX: Spell effect
BUYER
Oh, it’s the priest! Benedict, was it? How are you?
MERRICK
Uh…?
BENEDICT
Hello, yes. I’m great. You want to put away that dagger?
BUYER
Yes I do…!
SFX: Dagger sheathed
MERRICK
Wh—…??
BUYER
Your friend and I were just catching up! He won’t give me the Godstaff piece—
BENEDICT
—and that’s fine—
BUYER
—and that’s totally fine. It’s so good to see you!
SFX: Armored guard approaching briskly
MALE GUARD
Sir…
BUYER
Oh, that’s right—I sent for you.
BENEDICT
But we’re okay. There’s no trouble here, is there?
BUYER
Definitely not! Come along—let’s not trouble these fine people any more.
MALE GUARD
Right…
SFX: Armored guard walking away
BUYER
And I’m dreadfully sorry about stabbing you, Merrick. But you really should give me that artifact.
BENEDICT
Not today, friend.
BUYER
Yeah, not today. Oh well. Another time…! Benedict—always a pleasure.
BENEDICT
Yeah… you too.
SFX: Buyer departs
MERRICK
(sound of pain)
BENEDICT
I got you.
SFX: Merrick half-collapses into Benedict
BENEDICT (cont.)
You’re bleeding a lot.
MERRICK
I am… so confused, but so relieved. And, also, bleeding a lot.
BENEDICT
I have one of those potions…
MERRICK
Later. Did you… break into the Baron’s vault?
BENEDICT
Merrick, that sounds a lot like theft. All I did was follow your fine example—I stopped worrying about what others expected of me, and did what I wanted.
MERRICK
You stole a second Godstaff piece and used it to save my life.
BENEDICT
Yeah, well, I guess I did sort of—
SFX: Merrick impulsively kisses Benedict
BENEDICT
—mm!
THACK
(approaching) See? Tell you he— oh!
CAELUS
(audible surprise)
BENEDICT
(breaking off kiss) Um, wow…!
SFX: Immediate transition to real world
EMO
“Wow” is right! Yeah Daniel!! Yass queen!
DANIEL
Oh… uh…!
DOMINIC
Wait, but but but but but—is Merrick gay? Is Daniel gay? Are Merrick and Daniel gay?? Is Benedict?? Is Marcus?? Are all of you???
DANIEL
No!!
DOMINIC
Which??
DANIEL
(terrified) It’s a roleplaying game and I was playing a role—Merrick kissed Benedict. I didn’t kiss Benedict! I wouldn’t kiss Benedict! Or Marcus! It’s fiction!!
MARCUS
You wouldn’t…?
EMO
Why not?? I would…
DANIEL
If, if you all can’t distinguish the difference between fiction and reality then really, I really, well, I don’t know what more I can tell you. Roleplaying, right? Playing a role! It’s fun. We do these fun things and they have no consequences... they don’t mean… (descending into awkward sound)
MARCUS
It’s really okay, man. I think it’s cool that Merrick kissed Benedict.
DANIEL
(now a postverbal being of pure awkward)
ATHENA
Let’s… finish up the game, shall we?
SFX: Outdoors, night. In the distance: sounds of people leaving the masquerade.
MUSIC CUE: Distant music can be heard from inside the keep
ATHENA (cont.)
(narration) Having regrouped and quickly left the Baron’s party without alerting any of his guards, you stand a distance away from the keep, your prize in hand—the second part of the Godstaff of Many Pieces.
CAELUS
Well, it seems we’ve failed in our mission to learn more about these dangerous artifacts, and have, instead, acquired more of them. I honestly can’t decide if this was a tremendous victory or our worst night yet.
THACK
(back to regular voice) Thack think this good night. Thack like play pretend.
CAELUS
Hmph.
MERRICK
I’m not dead, so… it certainly could have been a worse night.
BENEDICT
I discovered I’m pretty good at thieving… that’s a mixed bag of good and bad, I think. Mostly bad… But! Nice date. Even got a kiss at the—
MERRICK
(quick) That was blood loss and I fell into you.
BENEDICT
Yuh huh.
SFX: The keep’s alarm bells begin to chime
SFX: Distant shouting
MERRICK
Wellll I fear the hour has grown late…
SFX: Three normal-sized people and one giant-sized person begin walking
THACK
Think beautiful man talk to Thack if Thack look like Thack?
CAELUS
Why not? We do...
THACK
But... talk like man talk to Thack.
CAELUS
...I’m certain of it.
THACK
Yeah. Not think so.
BENEDICT
So the Buyer is our friend now...! That’s pretty great.
MERRICK
Once that charm wears off, he’s going to hunt us even harder than before.
BENEDICT
Eh, he’ll come around. I think there’s a solid foundation there for a lifelong friendship.
MERRICK
I’m serious, Benedict. The next time he finds us, it’s going to be much worse.
BENEDICT
We’ll be ready. For now, let’s just enjoy this.
MERRICK
Enjoy what…?
BENEDICT
We had a good night.
MUSIC: Bring up masquerade music and then fade out
MUSIC: End credits music.
JORDAN STILLMAN
The Ordinary Epic was created by Brandon M. Crose, and brought to life by Executive Producer Jordan Stillman, Technical Producer Brad Smith, Composer Tiven Weinstock, Graphic Designer Hailey Thurrott, and Visual Designer Sangjun Lee, with additional music and music editing by Bradley Jordan, and audio by Matthew Lightbound. Season one, episode 4: Going Rogue, was directed by Stephanie LeBolt, and features the voice talents of Rachel Belleman as Emo and Thack; Caitlin Gjerdrum as Athena, Noble Woman, Noble Man, Chief Guard, Male Guard, Female Guard, and the Buyer; Brandon Green as Marcus and Benedict; Michael Hisamoto as Daniel and Merrick; and Elliot Purcell as Dominic and Caelus. Extra special thanks to Production Assistants Neil Johnson, Liz Schultz, and Matt Kramer, and to Lois Patton for the live musical performance heard in this episode. Check out theordinaryepic.com for bonus content, original artwork, and to join our listener community. Season one of The Ordinary Epic is made possible in part by a grant from Neil Marsh of Eternity Cove Productions. The Ordinary Epic is copyright 2019, Crose to Home Productions, LLC.
MUSIC: End credit theme concludes.
JORDAN (cont.)
We hope you enjoyed this episode! Thank you so much for listening. We’ll be back in two weeks with this season’s penultimate episode: Table Talk. And, please, always remember: Violence will attract attention. Attention bad.