In disguise, our heroes reveal more than they intend.
***The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener and reader discretion is advised.***
TRANSCRIPT
JORDAN STILLMAN
The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury, as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener discretion is advised.
MUSIC: A lively selection from masquerade suite.
DANIEL
The Ordinary Epic, season one, episode four: Going Rogue.
MUSIC: Concludes.
ATHENA
So, guys...
EMO
Uh oh. This sounds ominous?
ATHENA
Nothing sinister, I promise. But I am trying something new this time.
EMO
Oooh, I love something new!
DOMINIC
“New”? Why??
ATHENA
I have a very loose idea of how this adventure might go, but I’m leaving the details entirely up to you. Go wild. And I will do my very best to keep up.
MARCUS
Improv. Nice.
EMO
You tried improv one time, right?
MARCUS
I just like the concept.
ATHENA
Anyway, it’s a bit out of my comfort zone, but I’ve learned the hard way not to overplan.
DOMINIC
Wouldn’t be a problem if you just controlled your table...
EMO
Dom! Be nice to Athena.
ATHENA
So if everyone’s ready?
DOMINIC
As long as Emo can behave herself this time...
EMO
Well that all depends—will we be murdering the marginalized creatures of this fantasy world for fun and profit tonight?
ATHENA
No, not tonight! Probably never again.
EMO
Then my work here is done.
MARCUS
Daniel, you’re quieter than usual. Everything okay?
DANIEL
Yep.
MARCUS
...You sure?
DANIEL
...Yep.
MARCUS
Nothing in particular going on?
DANIEL
Nope...?
MARCUS
Daniel, I swear, you are the original man of mystery.
DANIEL
Thank you?
MARCUS
Could you tell me just one thing about yourself? Anything.
DANIEL
(awkward sound starting to bloom)
EMO
Oh! He’s studying premed!
DOMINIC
He still lives with his parents.
EMO
He’s 22! I think.
DANIEL
...almost 22...
MARCUS
You’re 21! That’s great. Now I know something about you. Are you living at home to save money? I did that.
DANIEL
(awkward sound getting worse)
DOMINIC
That’s all you’re going to get, new guy. He’s like this with everyone.
EMO
Except when he’s Merrick.
MARCUS
Right. Merrick does talk...
ATHENA
Shall we?
EMO / DOMINIC / MARCUS / DANIEL
Yass! / Finally. / We shall... / Thank you...
MUSIC CUE: Music promising mystery, intrigue underscores Athena’s narration
SFX: The back corner of a mostly quiet tavern
ATHENA
After weeks on the run from the Buyer and his men, you finally get a lead: the Baron is throwing a lavish masquerade, and several noted antiquarians will be in attendance: the perfect opportunity to learn more about the Godstaff of Many Pieces—and, perhaps, who is after it—without risking unwanted attention. Now, to find a way in...
CAELUS
Then we are agreed?
THACK
Plan have no violence, but Thack go along. Maybe violence later?
CAELUS
Thack... violence will attract attention. Attention bad.
THACK
But violence so good...
MERRICK
If you believe your illusions will see us through—
CAELUS
Of course they will.
MERRICK
—I’ll... “aquire” our invitations tonight.
BENEDICT
“Aquire,” huh?
MERRICK
...Yes.
BENEDICT
Would that be forgery or theft?
MERRICK
We’re chasing your quest, Benedict. If you don’t like the particulars of how we do it then I suggest—
BENEDICT
Oh, no, sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m actually curious.
MERRICK
Really.
BENEDICT
I have to find myself a new path, right? I’m just exploring my options. Maybe thieving. Why not?
MERRICK
I prefer “the larcenous arts,” thank you. We will be borrowing the invitations of lesser nobility.
BENEDICT
But what if they also show up?
MERRICK
Strangely, all four of them will suffer very bad reactions to their extravagant dinners tonight. Nothing fatal, but they won’t be straying far from their chamber pots for the next day or two.
BENEDICT
That’s smart.
MERRICK
Thank you, Benedict.
BENEDICT
Where did you learn how to do all this?
MERRICK
Um...
BENEDICT
I mean, was it something you wanted to do or were you sort of born into it?
MERRICK
I... suppose that I was “born” into a different trade and chose this one for myself.
BENEDICT
That’s really interesting. What trade was that? Medicine, maybe? That’s where you learned about poison?
MERRICK
Yes, actually...
BENEDICT
So your parents wanted you to pursue medicine, but you didn’t.
MERRICK
That’s about the shape of it...!
BENEDICT
You’re truly a man of mystery, Merrick. I’m just curious to learn more about you.
MUSIC: “Fun” beat that foreshadows masquerade theme
MERRICK
Perhaps we could get to know me later?
BENEDICT
Oh, certainly. It’s a date.
MERRICK
(hard sigh)
MUSIC: The Ordinary Epic opening theme.
SFX: Outdoors, night. In the distance: sounds of people gathering for the masquerade.
MUSIC CUE: Distant music can be heard from inside the keep
THACK
Ugh. How women fight in tiny dress??
CAELUS
Mostly they don’t. And that’s the largest dress we could find.
THACK
It like a prison for Thack glorious belly.
MERRICK
If it makes you feel any better, Thack, mine’s a little tight, too. Also I look like a peacock.
BENEDICT
Yeah. Really prefer my robes.
CAELUS
What a group of negative nixies you all are! Mine fits fine. And I rather like how it looks...
THACK
Thack change mind. This bad plan.
CAELUS
It’s a fine plan. And it isn’t yet complete. Merrick, if you are prepared?
MERRICK
To share all of my thoughts with you? This is certain to be... illuminating.
CAELUS
How to explain this to a mundane... Not every thought—only the ones you concentrate on “sending” me. And vice versa.
MERRICK
That’s a relief.
CAELUS
It’s certainly possible to read your mind or browse your memories, but of course those are different spells.
MERRICK
...And you don’t know those ones, right?
CAELUS
Yet.
MERRICK
Oh good.
CAELUS
Mentes nostras et communicare consilia!
SFX: Mental link is established
MERRICK
Ah!
CAELUS
(distorted, echoey) Can you hear me?
MERRICK
Oh!!
CAELUS
Perfect. Merrick and I will be taking point on this; the rest of you would do well to say little and follow our lead. And as for our sore thumb here... hmm...
THACK
Pointy ears not want hear Thack thoughts.
CAELUS
I imagine they’re a lot like Thack words?
THACK
Yeah, but more killin’ ‘n’ sex.
CAELUS
Wouldn’t that be a treat. No, I’m more interested in your appearance.
THACK
That sexist.
CAELUS
Unfortunately, Lady Arelia is not a half-orc noblewoman. Your present appearance will draw attention. However... Mutaverit aspectum oculorum ad mundane!
SFX: An illusion!
BENEDICT / MERRICK
Um, wow. / Very interesting...
THACK
How Thack look...?
MERRICK
Quite a lot like a fair elven maiden. I’m pretty sure that Lady Arelia isn’t that, either.
CAELUS
Well an artist must take some liberty with his work. And besides—it’s a masquerade.
MERRICK
Mmm hm.
THACK
Pointy ears make Thack look like pointy ears?
CAELUS
Whose ears are the pointiest now, fair lady? And one final detail... Mutare vocem ad aures ingerunt!
SFX: Voice transform!
THACK
(transitions from gruff orc voice to high, lilting voice midsentence) No matter how Thack look, Thack still kick shit out of pointy ears if Thack... uhh what happening?
CAELUS
Hmm... it’s something of an improvement...
THACK
Improvement? Thack sound like Thack being strangled!
MERRICK / BENEDICT
(laugh)
THACK
It not funny!
MERRICK
It is a little funny.
THACK
(growls; does not sound at all threatening)
MERRICK / BENEDICT
(laugh harder)
CAELUS
It’s probably best if you don’t speak.
THACK
That also sexist.
CAELUS
Or, if you must, keep it to “yes,” “no thank you,” “m’lord,” or an endearing giggle.
THACK
(tries out an endearing giggle)
CAELUS
Right. Let’s not do that ever again. Shall we proceed?
BENEDICT
I’m with Merrick, right?
MERRICK
Seen and not heard, Benedict.
THACK
Thack ready.
CAELUS
You’re Lady Arelia now, not Thack.