Our heroes learn changing hearts and minds isn’t easy business.
***The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener and reader discretion is advised.***
TRANSCRIPT
EMO
The Ordinary Epic, season one, episode three: Modern-Day Thacktivism.
SFX: Outdoors, night. An owl hoots. Sounds of walking along a dirt road.
BENEDICT
You know what I would love?
CAELUS
A long, pious life that is principally defined by the pleasures you deny yourself?
BENEDICT
I would love to sleep.
MERRICK
I’d love not to be on the run from a man bent on revenge who seems to command an infinite number of able mercenaries, but sometimes what we love is just out of reach, know what I mean?
THACK
Eh, not to worry—kill them too.
SFX: Rustle of branches
CAELUS
There it is.
SFX: Walking ceases
MERRICK
Homnett.
SFX (cont.): Early-morning town sounds
BENEDICT
Great. And someone here will know what to do with the Godstaff piec—?
MERRICK
Shh! Tell the known world, why don’t we?
BENEDICT
...with the... “thing”?
CAELUS
I would like to submit again for the record that I was indisposed when the rest of you agreed to pursue this foolish errand—
THACK
Thought you dead.
CAELUS
—and, therefore, am not bound to the terms of this agreement by any written law.
MERRICK
Benedict gave up his priesthood to save your life.
CAELUS
Yes. And I have thanked him for that profusely.
BENEDICT
Have you...?
CAELUS
We’ve strayed off topic. My point is, while I am grateful for my life, and while we will assist you in your task when we are able, at this particular juncture, we are not able.
BENEDICT
I see.
MERRICK
We’re out of money, Benedict. We want to help—we’re going to help. But first we need to resupply. And to do that, well...
CAELUS
We’ll need to acquire less... savory work.
THACK
(grumbles)
BENEDICT
Less savory? What could possibly be less savory than your usual plan of acquiring clients and then cheating them?
CAELUS
Towns such as this are often in need of... inelegant solutions to their problems.
THACK
He mean killin’.
MERRICK
Not always! Sometimes it’s mere extortion, intimidation, bruising, vigorous maiming...
THACK
(disgusted sound)
BENEDICT
Thack, I thought you loved violence in all forms.
THACK
Job like this? People on other end of sword never human.
DOMINIC
No no no, oh please no!
SFX: Quick transition to real world
DOMINIC (cont.)
I am begging you—pleading with you... please do not do this to me again. To us again.
EMO
Do what, Dom?
DOMINIC
You know exactly what you did.
MARCUS
What did she do...?
DANIEL
Best not to draw attention to ourselves right now. Remain very, very still.
ATHENA
Emo can play her character however she likes, Dom.
DOMINIC
Thack is a shark with legs and a giant sword. She’s not a social activist. That’s Emo. Sometimes.
EMO
Emo is a social activist all the times—she only talks about it sometimes because you get all… you. And like Emo, Thack is a multifaceted gem of a woman.
DOMINIC
Maybe we could not shine a light on this particular facet?
MARCUS
Alright, I’ll bite. What’s the problem?
DANIEL
Marcus, you fool...
DOMINIC
Sometimes Thack, for no conceivable reason, becomes an advocate for the rights of the monsters we’re being paid to slay.
EMO
“No conceivable...”?? First of all, a “monster” has no conscience and enjoys inflicting pain and suffering. That sounds a lot like someone at this table. (I’ll give you a small hint: It’s Dominic.) Orcs, on the other hand, are maligned demihumans who are persecuted for no reason other than that—
DOMINIC
—they’re evil?!
EMO
Your worldview is terrifyingly binary, sweet Dom.
MARCUS
Okay. So this is going to be one of those nights.
DANIEL
Well, now it is...
ATHENA
(sighs)
DOMINIC
You see? No one wants this, Emo. Drop it.
EMO
Sure, I’ll drop it. Of course I will. I’ll turn a blind eye to the suffering of a unique and intelligent people because their way of life is not exactly mine. What’s more—sometimes I’ll kill them for profit! Why not? After all, they’re evil.
DOMINIC
(miserable) I’ll do anything. Just, please.
MUSIC CUE: Working up to main theme
EMO
(building to a peak) Just because our characters exist in a cruel world with a woefully misguided value system doesn’t mean we have to be its creepy puppets. Here and now, let us declare that we won’t stand for evil, especially when it is done in the name of good. We will defend the little guy! We will fight for what’s right! We will bathe this fantasy land in a long soak of justice for all creatures—yes, ALL creatures—even if you are “just a dirty—”
MUSIC CUE: Main theme
EMO
“—orc.” I could be imagining this, but sometimes I get the feeling that you guys just tune me out.
DOMINIC
I wouldn’t worry about that; it’s really not possible.
EMO
Oh good!
ATHENA
Um, well then. If everyone’s ready...?
MARCUS
Yup.
DANIEL
Mm hm.
EMO
Very! This is going to be a great game; you’ll see.
DOM
(world-weary sigh)
ATHENA
I wrote tonight’s adventure ahead of time, not realizing tonight would be… tonight… so... I don’t know about “great,” but this is certain to be interesting...?
MUSIC CUE: Transition music into game world
ATHENA (cont.)
The next morning, having rested, sort of, in a nearby horse stable and left before the owner found you there, you are granted audience with Homnett’s mayor to discuss an opportunity that just might be the answer to your financial woes...
SFX: We’re in a medium-sized room with a wooden floor. Occasional flies buzzing around our heroes.
MAYOR
By the gods, you lot smell ripe.
MERRICK
Our commitment to quality means that we sometimes forego nonessentials such as hygiene, good sir. Can our competitors say that?
MAYOR
I don’t believe they would, no.
THACK
Thack… always stink this good.
MAYOR
Your appearance and odor don’t concern me, though perhaps... you don’t mind if I...?
SFX: Quick footsteps. A window opening. Town sounds can be more clearly heard.
MAYOR (cont.)
Ah, much better. I accepted your bid because there is a fearsome nuisance just outside of town gathering strength every day, and we simply don’t have the manpower to safely deal with it.
THACK
Huh. Maybe need womanpower...
CAELUS
We are eminently pleased to help, of course. What malady plagues this town, Mayor?
MAYOR
We are a small community, and the people here are good, law-abiding folk. Some months ago—at the request of the Baron himself, no less!—we began digging out the entrance to some old ruins, and who moves in one night but a pack of savage orcs!
THACK
(a low growl that lingers)
MERRICK
Steady...
CAELUS
Oh, dear...!
MAYOR
“Oh dear” is right! Can you begin to imagine—their brutish animal teeth tearing into the flesh of stolen livestock, whooping and barking late into the night, making some ritual sacrifice to their dark god...? And but a stone’s throw from where we conduct business and raise our children!
THACK
(stronger growling)
MERRICK
Steady...!
CAELUS
A terrible thought, most certainly, Mayor. How can we be of aid?
MAYOR
You look to be a capable lot—I want them away from my town, and I don’t care how you do it. I can only pay you fifty coin for this work—
MUSIC CUE: Music promising mystery and adventure starting to build
MAYOR
—but the real reward lies beyond the orcs’ filthy lair, for these ruins are none other than the mythic city of—!
SFX: Thack angrily knocks something over
MUSIC CUE: Music cuts off abruptly
THACK
That it!! Thack hear enough!
CAELUS
(sound of despair)
THACK
“Brutish animal teeth”? “Filthy lair”??
MAYOR
Y—yes...?
THACK
Orc people, little man. Orc bigger, and stronger, and not play Mayor in little wooden home, but different than little man not make orc savage. It not make orc monster.
MAYOR
Oh, goodness, forgive me... I see now, you’re— you share some, ah— orcish...?
THACK
Thack half-orc.
MAYOR
I really cannot apologize enough, but you must understand that of course I wasn’t speaking of you. I’ve only just met you today, Thack?—am I pronouncing that correctly? “Thack?”—and it’s clear as day to me that you’re not at all like those other orcs!
THACK
(growls)
MAYOR
Ah, well, in some ways, surely—your pronounced brow, your, um, prominent lower canines...?
THACK
(snarls)
MAYOR
No? Are these bad things? I mean no offense at all and I just keep stepping right into it. You know what I’m trying to say, right?
BENEDICT
...You mean me?
MAYOR
Yes. Please! As the lone human amongst... ah...
CAELUS
Elf.
MERRICK
Filthy half-breed.
MAYOR
...surely you’ve said a thoughtless thing or two in mixed company?
BENEDICT
Well... there was one time I made a strong moral stand and lost everyone I cared about and everything I believed in, but as for racially charged comments...? No, I think I’ve kept those mostly in check.
CAELUS
Mayor, Mayor...! My companions speak in jest! They have such a peculiar sense of humor—so strange, in fact, that one almost cannot recognize it as humorous at all! Heh heh.
THACK
(growls)
CAELUS
And please forgive the good lady—we’ve been traveling for days and clearly something she’s eaten along the way is disagreeing with her. However she might feel, surely she can be relied upon to help you with your problem. Right?
THACK
Yeah, Thack help. Thack not like other orc.
CAELUS
There you have it...! A big, terrible misunderstanding that almost spelled disaster but then did not.
MAYOR
Right. Well, where was I?
MUSIC CUE: Transition music
MAYOR (cont.)
The ruins is where you will find your true reward—I’m prepared to offer you a small percentage of whatever we find there, provided of course...
SFX: Fade out on Mayor and into outdoor ambiance; several orcs sporadically speaking to one another in distance
MERRICK
(hushed) I count five outside... guessing by the size of the fire and number of animal bones, maybe seven more inside?
THACK
(less hushed) Merrick eat animal.
MERRICK
(hushed) Shhh! You’ll give us away. And yes, I eat animals—what of it?
THACK
(still less hushed) Orc not monster just because orc eat animal.
CAELUS
(hushed) Help us find a permanent solution to the Mayor’s problem that doesn’t end in bloodshed, Thack, and that is what we’ll do.
THACK
(less hushed) Then where orc go?
CAELUS
(hushed) Away! Elsewhere. That’s not our concern.
THACK
(less hushed) That no one’s concern! Why pointy ears think orc make “filthy lair” in cave? Someone else drive them here.
CAELUS
(hushed) Then what do you propose?
THACK
(normal voice) Thack not propose; Thack do.
SFX: Rustling as Thack rises out of bushes and strides to orc den; “mic” stays with others
THACK
(getting farther away) Jiak greeav lat, orken blüd!
BENEDICT
Umm.
MERRICK
We might as well stand, too. There’s absolutely no chance they haven’t also seen us.
CAELUS
You should have left me dead. That might have been kinder.
BENEDICT
It’s really good to know that now.
SFX: Three people rising out of bushes
BENEDICT (cont.)
Maybe she’s going to negotiate with them...?
THACK
(distant) Kulknej ukenav afar maurzur humanuk ro avown avo drepa lat ach magas lat e votar!
SEVERAL ORCS
(distant) (cries of outrage)
CAELUS
“Negotiate”? Does that sound at all like something Thack would do?
BENEDICT
Well, no...
THACK
(distant) Ve humanuk, lat ayh monukaveruk! Theausan avhink lat ukavage nalkruska avheausan inflicav worukav ukavagaum ro gith!
SEVERAL ORCS
(distant) (louder cries of outrage)
BENEDICT
Do either of you speak... uh...?
MERRICK
Orcish.
BENEDICT
It’s called “Orcish”? Really?
CAELUS
I understand it, a little. It shares a mother tongue with Goblin, about which I wrote a thesis in academy. But that was two hundred and ten years ago...
MUSIC CUE: Rousing, inspirational music starts to build
THACK
(distant) Humanuk magas lat e votar!
CAELUS
“Humans... expel them...” —no, third declension—“drive you from your homes...”
THACK
(distant) Humanuk uklaausan maaveuk, milambak!
CAELUS
“They slay... your family...”
THACK
(distant) Buav noav avodaausan!
CAELUS
“But not... today?”
MERRICK
Uh oh.
THACK
(distant) Todaausan kulknej ukavand avall agh strucht! Kulknej avell humanuk avhiuk orken votar, agh orken ukavay!
SEVERAL ORCS
(distant) (loud, defiant cheering)
CAELUS
(groans)
BENEDICT
Well? What did she say?
CAELUS
They’re not leaving. Thack has organized a protest.
JORDAN STILLMAN
The Ordinary Epic will return in just a moment, but first we wanted to share with you a quick peek at a show we really adore. We think you’ll love it, too. Here is the clip:
MUSIC: Classical music starts to play.
WANDA
Hello - Contact Day is in but a few short months, which means it is time to begin preparations for the bi-decennial festival.
SFX: Audio begins to deteriorate and skip.
WANDA
This year we are celebrating every single one of you living in my beloved Windfall City.
SFX: Audio distorts again, music disappears.
ROOT
It is not our business to question the Queen’s will. It is not our business to do anything but follow it.
SFX: Audio distorts, music returns.
WANDA
It is you and your loyalty that has laid the groundwork for this incredible Utopian society that we see before us.
SFX: Audio distorts, music drops out.
SHAIMA
Do you have any idea what’s going on with us?
WOLFPAC GUARD
(voice heavily distorted) Keep your mouth shut, Grounder.
SFX: Isaac grunts as he is punched by the guard, classical music returns.
WANDA
It is the duty of each and every one of you to do everything you can to make the festival a success this year.
SFX: Happy classical music drops out.
TIN MAN
(robotic voice) Are you ready to speak kindly with me now, child?
SFX: Audio distorts, happy classical music returns.
WANDA
I have no doubt that this year will be one for the history books, and that will be due in no small part to the dedication of my adoring subjects.
SFX: Audio distorts, foreboding music crescendos, electricity starts to spout as Helina’s screams become louder and louder, audio distorts back to quiet.
JORDAN STILLMAN
The show is called Windfall, and you can find it at windfallpodcast.com. We hope you’ll give it a listen because it’s a truly excellent show. And now, back to The Ordinary Epic.
SFX: Orcs cheering and chanting
ATHENA
Led by Thack, a dozen orcs stand outside their home—and the entrance to the ruins—chanting in protest that they will not leave. The Mayor and a few inexperienced-looking guardsmen stand a short distance away. The Mayor’s arms are crossed, and the sour expression on his face tells you, quite clearly, that he is not pleased.
SFX: Orcs fade out
MARCUS
So, this is possible? We can just go in a completely different direction than the adventure you wrote?
ATHENA
Oh, it’s all part and parcel of being a gamemaster—the more of the adventure you prepare, the greater the chance your group will do the opposite thing. If you build it, they might come, but they will burn it down rather than go inside. Or, possibly, organize a protest. Anyway, this was my mistake—I really should know better by now...
DOMINIC
You see? This is exactly what I didn’t want.
EMO
You know who else often don’t get what they want?
DOMINIC
Don’t say—!
EMO
Orcs!
DOMINIC
Oh really?? Tell us more!
EMO
And not just orcs—goblins, hobgoblins, kobolds... Ugly almost always equals evil in this game. It’s okay to slaughter them wholesale because they’re not “good” like we are. Have you ever really thought about that?
DOMINIC
Evil also equals evil, which they are. I know because it says so in the rulebook.
SFX: Tapping a hardcover book
EMO
Hey, and you know what actually is evil?
DOMINIC
Your relentless desire to extinguish the last of what few joys remain in my life?
EMO
Oh Dom. That’s not my desire, but it is a fun side effect.
SFX: Rapidly flipping through pages of a book
EMO (cont.)
What’s actually evil is deciding an entire race of people or creatures you don’t like or understand are uniformly “bad.”
DOM
Okay, here we are. “Orc, medium-sized humanoid. Alignment: Chaotic EVIL!” And I like orcs just fine. They’re not much harder to kill than goblins and grant twice the experience. See?
DANIEL
Um, guys...?
ATHENA
I’m really not sure what to do. They’ve usually run out of steam by now...
EMO
Your casual disregard for what you perceive to be the Other is really not an attractive quality, Dom.