Our heroes must persevere through a time of unexpected difficulty.
***The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener and reader discretion is advised.***
TRANSCRIPT
MUSIC: Foreboding cue.
MARCUS
The Ordinary Epic, season one, episode two: The Dip.
MARCUS
Alright! Game two! I have done my reading, I know what... some of these dice are called, and I am ready to eat some junk food. Let’s do this.
ATHENA
I’m flattered that you’re so excited to come back. Also that you came back.
DOMINIC
New guy seems... chipper.
EMO
New guy’s name is Marcus?
MARCUS
It’s not a problem, Imoge— Emo. Little bit of hazing, steep learning curve—it’s all part of the Dip. I got this.
DANIEL
The what?
MARCUS
The Dip.
DANIEL
We didn’t bring any...?
MARCUS
It’s a book by this dude Seth Godin—
EMO
—ohhhh—
MARCUS
—that all of us had to read for work. What’d you think?
EMO
Yeah, I definitely did not read that.
MARCUS
Well if you had, you’d know the Dip is that time between trying something new and before you’re good at it where everything’s difficult and, you know, you suck a little bit.
DOMINIC
(“no comment”) Mm hmm...
MARCUS
Most people just give up: it’s uncomfortable, it’s awkward, it’s not always fun. But! If you commit, and power through the Dip, you come out stronger.
EMO
That awkward place you describe is my domain, and I am its ruler.
MARCUS
I can see that.
DOMINIC
Sounds like a waste of time to me. Why don’t you just be smart and master whatever you’re trying to learn in a few days?
MARCUS
And how often are you able to—
DOMINIC
Most of the time.
MARCUS
That’s cool... Daniel, you’re premed—I bet you’re all kinds of familiar with the Dip.
DANIEL
Uh. It’s fine, I guess...?
ATHENA
It’s a neat idea, Marcus. Definitely something to think about.
MARCUS
It is. And I hope you all do.
ATHENA
If we’re ready to begin...?
DOMINIC
Yes. Please. I have so many plans for this session; I won’t spoil anything except to say that—if you all cooperate—every one of us stands to benefit greatly. Even you, new guy. No “dip” required.
MUSIC: Aftermath of the last episode.
ATHENA
The unexpected lash of flame from Benedict’s artifact worked to deadly effect: the Buyer, badly burnt, again fled the scene, and you were able to make short work of the remaining archers. Though your gambit was not without its cost...
SFX (cont.): Outdoors, day
MERRICK
They killed our horse! I can’t believe it. There’s bad people—sometimes, I will admit, that’s us—and then there are monsters, you know?
BENEDICT
I’m sorry, Merrick. Everyone else okay?
THACK
Thack GREAT.
BENEDICT
You have five arrows sticking out of you.
THACK
Pretty boy have two. Thack win.
BENEDICT
Caelus! ...Caelus?
THACK
Pointy-ears...?
MERRICK
Oh no.
SFX: Merrick running a short distance (dirt road). Checking over a body.
BENEDICT
Merrick? Is...?
MERRICK
...He’s dead.
MUSIC CUE: The Ordinary Epic opening theme.
DOMINIC
I’m dead?!
EMO
Caelus is dead—you are only dying a little bit each moment of every day, your biology a closed system of diminishing returns, until one day—and you won’t know which day until it happens—
DOMINIC
Not helping!
ATHENA
Caelus took four arrows in that first volley, Dom.
EMO
Thack’s still ahead!
ATHENA
And two more arrows in the second volley.
EMO
Damn it.
DOMINIC
This is wholly and utterly new guy’s fault.
MARCUS
If you’ll allow me, I’d like to introduce you to a concept called “The Dip.”
DOMINIC
No!
MARCUS
Here’s a period of difficulty you did not expect, right?
DOMINIC
You mean death?!
MARCUS
Yeah, and so now you have to create a new character, which will be... some amount of work, right...? And then you’ll have to build him back up to where Caelus was, which might be difficult. Right?
DOMINIC
I’m back to hating you again.
EMO
Maybe I was a little too grim before—death may not be the end of us.
DOMINIC
No...?
EMO
Well, for Caelus, probably. But fortunately for us, what with the inevitable human-machine singularity, you may not ever have to worry about your own death. The concept will cease to exist—we’ll just get upgrades.
DOMINIC
The inevitable human-machine singularity.
EMO
Yeah!
DOMINIC
Aren’t you in love with Marcus? What happened to that?
EMO
No I am not! And no I wasn’t! And no I never would, as you are implying, try to distract you from my schoolgirl crush on Marcus by talking at length about one of my many interests. And oh my god, that was forever ago!
MARCUS
Wasn’t that last week…?
EMO
Can it, muscles. Dom and I are having a serious conversation about serious things.
MARCUS
Right.
DANIEL
(quietly, to Marcus) It’s not you. Emo’s a bit... mercurial.
EMO
Daniel!
DANIEL
(scared sound)
ATHENA
If everyone’s ready...?
DOMINIC
Yes! Fix this, or Caelus will spend the rest of his unlife haunting you.
EMO
That might actually be kind of interesting...
DOMINIC
Not in a fun way. Fix. This.
SFX: Transition into game world ambiance with Athena narration. A few flies are starting to buzz around.
ATHENA
Your friend, the elven mage Caelus, lies dead before you, his body riddled with arrows and still warm.
THACK
(sad) Poor mouthy twerp...
MERRICK
Brother Benedict, is there anything you can do?
BENEDICT
When it pleases him, Godwin grants me the power to mend minor wounds and ailments. To raise the dead... that is far beyond my ability, Merrick.
MERRICK
And what of your superior, Father Oren?
BENEDICT
I am... not certain. Perhaps. But from what little I know of that ritual, it must occur very soon after death, and the abbey is an hour’s ride away.
MERRICK
Half a day’s walk. Remember the horse?
BENEDICT
...Right.
SFX: Thack hefts the body onto her shoulders.
THACK
Unf. More heavy than he look.
MERRICK
Let’s get moving.
BENEDICT
There is... another problem.
MERRICK
What?
BENEDICT
Father Oren gave explicit instructions that I was not to return to the abbey with this artifact. That merely having it there was too great a risk for—
MERRICK
(angry) Then you can wait with it outside!
(awkward beat)
MUSIC: Somber music that builds to a hopeful note.
MERRICK (cont.)
I’m sorry, it’s just—... this is our friend. We have to do whatever we can.
BENEDICT
I understand. (beat) Let’s go.
SFX: Two normal-sized people and one giant-sized person (carrying a normal-sized person) jogging on a dirt road begin and then fade out under Athena:
ATHENA
Slowly—too slowly, you fear—you begin to make your way back to Musquetan Abbey.
(beat)
And I will need a few minutes to prepare the next part. Please talk amongst yourselves.
MARCUS
You’re very good at this.
ATHENA
Thanks, Marcus...
MARCUS
Seriously, you should think about going pro.
ATHENA
I don’t think there’s a professional league for game masters, but truly, I appreciate the vote of confidence.
MARCUS
You said you work from home—are you a writer?
ATHENA
Ha ha! (beat) Oh, you were serious?
MARCUS
I mean... yeah!
ATHENA
I—... I don’t know. I dabble, a little.
MARCUS
But you find it challenging? Sometimes, perhaps, discouraging that you’re not yet where you want to be?
ATHENA
Well yes, sometimes—
DOMINIC
Stop! Right there.
MARCUS
What?
DOMINIC
He’s dipping you! Doing the... dip thing! No more dip for you, new guy. This is a dip-free zone. Are we ready yet or what?
ATHENA
Sorry to take so long—I’m only building an entire world on the fly here.
MARCUS
You’re making all of this up as you go...?! That’s incredible!
ATHENA
It’s equal parts planning and improvisation; sometimes more of the latter with this grou—
DOMINIC
Stop distracting her!!
MARCUS
(quietly, to Daniel) Why are we trying to save him, again?
DANIEL
Eh, he has his uses.
MARCUS
Hey, can I ask a personal question?
DANIEL
Um, I... don’t know. Yes?
MARCUS
You’re super talkative as Merrick but barely say “boo” outside of the game. What’s going on there?
DANIEL
I say boo...
MARCUS
You should say it more often. You’re a funny guy.
DANIEL
Oh... well, uh, that’s... it’s nice. So are you. Funny, I mean.
DOMINIC
You two better not be talking about dips over there!
EMO
Don’t interrupt them! They were being super cute!
DANIEL
(uncomfortable sound)
ATHENA
Okay, ready when you guys are.
DOMINIC
Very ready.
MUSIC CUE: Ominous, dark music underscores Athena narration.
ATHENA
Exhausted, wounded, you arrive back at Benedict’s former home as the sun is setting, its brilliant light casting in stark relief the unsettling sight before you—the abbey’s large wooden door is open, several of the stained glass windows are broken, and even from here you can see that something terrible has happened within.
SFX: Outdoors, early evening.
SFX: Merrick quickly draws twin daggers.
MERRICK
Wait here.
BENEDICT
Not a chance.
MERRICK
We need to make sure we’re not walking into an ambush.
BENEDICT
Another ambush, you mean? If people are hurt in there then we don’t have any time to waste.
THACK
No one alive in there.
BENEDICT
(shouts) Father Oren!
SFX: Benedict dashes inside; “mic” stays with the others.
MERRICK
(to self) Godwin’s ball—... d head.
THACK
Gonna lose another healer he keep this up.
MERRICK
Let’s go.
SFX: Merrick and Thack (still carrying the body) jog inside; “mic” follows them from outdoors into abbey ambiance: echoey, feet on marble, etc.
BENEDICT
(short distance away) You’re right—they’re all dead.
SFX: Merrick moving a robed body
MERRICK
Arrows. Fletching is the same as the Buyer’s men.
THACK
But we kill Buyer’s men.
MERRICK
It looks like this happened hours ago, before we fought them. They must have followed us here earlier today and—...
BENEDICT
(realizing he’s responsible) Gods.
FATHER OREN
(from across the room) Unnnngh...
MUSIC: Somber.
BENEDICT
Father!
SFX: “Mic” follows Benedict as he runs to Father Oren and kneels to tend to him.
BENEDICT
Father Oren...
FATHER OREN
(with great effort) Brother... Benedict... (wet, rattling cough)
BENEDICT
I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.
FATHER OREN
Lad... you must... (labored gasping)
BENEDICT
Don’t try to speak. Merrick, there might be some... potions or—
SFX: Father Oren grasps Benedict’s robes to pull him close
FATHER OREN
(rasping, struggling to draw breath) Listen... carefully! You must... do this... the Godstaff... pieces... he... they... you must not let... (exhales one final time)
BENEDICT
(completely lost) ...Father Oren...?
JORDAN STILLMAN
The Ordinary Epic will return after a brief word from our sponsors.
SFX: Abbey ambiance
BENEDICT
(crying softly)
MERRICK
I’m sorry, Benedict.
BENEDICT
We did this. I did this.
MERRICK
We didn’t know—
BENEDICT
You didn’t care! You stole a dangerous artifact and then lead the killer looking for it straight into my home.
MERRICK
We did actually try to sell the—!
THACK
Merrick.
MERRICK
I’m sorry for your loss. We lost one, too.
THACK
And horse.
MERRICK
And the horse.
BENEDICT
I don’t know what to do.
MERRICK
You mentioned potions—maybe there’s something in here strong enough to—
BENEDICT
No... nothing like that. Maybe in the vault, but—
MERRICK
The vault...?
BENEDICT
No. No.
MERRICK
Wouldn’t you do anything to bring back your mentor, your fellow brothers?
BENEDICT
I wouldn’t betray my faith.
MERRICK
Really? I would. I would do anything, whatever it took, to bring back someone I cared about. And I hope they would do the same for me.
BENEDICT
Father Oren wouldn’t want that. None of them would.
MERRICK
Caelus would.
THACK
Thack would too. Keep in mind for future, please.
BENEDICT
Only Father Oren is allowed to enter the vault—the rest of us are... were... expressly forbidden from even going near it.
MERRICK
Look, Benedict... I’d appeal to your sense of morality, but I don’t have one of those and would probably say something grossly inappropriate. But I do know how to make a deal, and here’s the best one you’re likely to get—you help us bring back our friend, and we’ll help you with this nebulous-sounding and likely impossible task of yours.
THACK
Thack not really understand that, but long as Thack get to kill, Thack happy.
BENEDICT
Probably there will be killing, Thack. I suppose that part is unavoidable.
THACK
Pretty boy say sweetest things.
MERRICK
Do we have an accord?
MUSIC: Dark, building to hopeful by the end.
BENEDICT
I don’t suppose I have much of a choice. Though I doubt Father Oren would have wanted me to honor his last wish while in the company of liars and thieves, as he put it—
THACK
Murderers and thieves.
BENEDICT
...Right.
MERRICK
Like you said... you don’t have much of a choice.
BENEDICT
(hard sigh)
SFX: Benedict rises to his feet
BENEDICT (cont.)
Follow me.
ATHENA
Led by Brother Benedict, the remaining members of your party descend into the abbey’s depths, where you discover that you are not the first to pass this way...
SFX: Close stone tunnels; distant dripping.
BENEDICT
(hushed) The vault is already open! How—...?
SFX: Merrick drawing his twin daggers
MERRICK
(hushed) Now will you wait behind and let me do my job?
BENEDICT
(hushed) If we’re doing this, I should go first. It should be me.
MERRICK
(hushed) Hate to break it to you, but someone else was pretty obviously here before us. Damn it.
THACK
(hushed, sort of) Watch yer fuckin’ language. We in church.
BENEDICT
(hushed) Thanks... Thack... Ready?
MERRICK
(hushed) Ready.
THACK
(grunts)
BENEDICT
Hnf...!
SFX: Very large vault door swings open.
MUSIC: Quick suspenseful sting, then...
SFX: Silence.
BENEDICT
They’re gone.
MERRICK
That’s... a lot of vials.
BENEDICT
Thack, set Caelus on that altar. I’ll try to find... something...?