Our heroes welcome a new member… and chaos ensues.
***The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener and reader discretion is advised.***
TRANSCRIPT
DOMINIC
The Ordinary Epic, season one, episode one: The Group.
SFX (cont.): Fade in background sound of a (nonrowdy) medieval tavern.
MUSIC (cont.): A lute is being played.
MERRICK
The expedition went as planned, friend, but with one happy exception—where you sent us after copper, we found gold.
BUYER
Maybe I and my men were partial to the copper.
MERRICK
Ah, but you’ll like this particular gold better. Caelus?
CAELUS
This is no trinket, as you thought, but a holy artifact from the Gods’ War days—possibly before. Its purpose is unknown, but I detect that it still holds great power within.
BUYER
So what’s your point?
MERRICK
That it is worth, well, somewhat more than the modest bounty you originally offered.
BUYER
Is that so.
THACK
(intimidating) Yeah, it is.
BUYER
Call off your troll, Merrick.
THACK
Thack half-orc. What—all not-humans look same to you?
MERRICK
No threat was implied, friend, of course. The lady has a gruff demeanor, but a heart of gold.
BUYER
“Lady”? How can you tell?
THACK
Thack dance real pretty, that how. And can crush yer fuckin’ skull with one hand.
SFX: Sounds of several blades being drawn.
MUSIC: The lute abruptly stops.
THACK
(chuckle) More skulls take two hands.
BUYER
Hmph. Stand down, boys.
SFX: Sounds of several blades being sheathed.
MUSIC: The lute player haltingly resumes.
BUYER (cont.)
It’s a curious thing, your band of misfits—orc muscle, a pointy-eared sage—
CAELUS
Actually, it’s pronounced “mage,” with an “em” sound, as in the marvelous magics that may maim or murder in a manner most metic—
BUYER
—and a half-breed face man.
MERRICK
Half-elf, if you would; race is kind of difficult for you, huh? Thank you, at least, for not calling me “thief” like everyone else...
BUYER
I don’t altogether enjoy this conversation, but we can bargain. I just need to know that your pet human won’t be trouble later.
MERRICK
Beg your pardon?
BUYER
The silent one in the raiment of a holy man.
BENEDICT
Uh... Is that me?
BUYER
See anyone else wearing bedsheets? Are you an actual priest or do you perhaps wear the robes for fun?
BENEDICT
Um...
BUYER
This trinket is sacred to your order or somesuch, isn’t it? Am I going to have cause to regret this trade later.
BENEDICT
I’m... time out?—
SFX: Pub ambiance/music abruptly ceases.
SFX: We are now in a real-life basement.
MARCUS
So I’m confused. What am I supposed to say to him?
DOMINIC
That you don’t care.
EMO
But maybe he does care.
MARCUS
Do I...?
ATHENA
Think about what your character would say, Marcus, and just say that.
MARCUS
This really isn’t like most board games...
DOMINIC
New guy isn’t even a gamer. Yet another nice find, Emo.
EMO
Shut up, Dom. Marcus, it’s a role-playing game.
MARCUS
Right.
EMO
So you’re this holy guy: Benedict.
MARCUS
Right.
EMO
And he’s just joined this adventuring party.
MARCUS
Right. (quick beat) Why?
DOMINIC
Because we needed someone to heal us and not ask questions.
EMO
Dom!
DOMINIC
What!
DANIEL
Any reason you want, Marcus. That’s the great thing about this game—you can be anyone you want. Do anything you want, for any reason, so long as it’s true to your character.
EMO
Oh my god he does speak!
DANIEL
I—what? No he doesn’t.
EMO
That is the absolute most I have ever heard Daniel say that wasn’t in character as Merrick.
DANIEL
(sound of discomfort)
MARCUS
...What is happening right now?
EMO
He doesn’t like to be the center of attention.
DANIEL
(sound of discomfort worsens)
EMO
Like this, right now. He hates this. This is his nightmare. Daniel. Daniel. Daniel.
DANIEL
(about to explode)
MARCUS
So this is like improv!
DANIEL
(exhausted) Thank you so much...
MARCUS
One guy says “I like artichokes” so the other guy says “Oh really? Well too bad I got the last one” and now you have a scene with conflict, which is good for some reason? I did an improv class through my old job one time. It was mostly about artichokes.
EMO
Sure!
MUSIC: Tense music.
MARCUS
Cool. I totally got this.
DOMINIC
Wait, but—
ATHENA
So the buyer says—
SFX: Back to the pub.
BUYER
—or am I going to have cause to regret this trade later?
BENEDICT
There’s no need for regret, brother. Because there is no trade.
BUYER
What.
CAELUS
What?!
MERRICK
Great...
BENEDICT
This artifact belongs to my church, and as such, I cannot part with it for any price.
SFX: Many people drawing weapons.
THACK
(chuckles darkly)
BENEDICT
...Uh. What did I say?
BUYER
Kill them all!
SFX: Battle sounds crash into...
MUSIC: The Ordinary Epic opening theme.
SFX: Very large sword being plunged into a man’s chest, and then that man’s body being kicked off the sword and onto the floor.
SFX: Transition to real-world basement ambiance as narration continues.
ATHENA
...The last man falls to Thack’s towering blade. You survey the aftermath: several bodies lie scattered around the now-empty tavern, though the buyer himself seems to have escaped—and with him, your chance of offloading the relic for a bounty.
DANIEL
Well, uh... glad you took my advice to heart?
DOMINIC
This is why we don’t like new guys. The group is the group! And new guy is a bad player.
EMO
Don’t call people names, douche canoe!
DOMINIC
New guy is playing this game badly.
MARCUS
We were supposed to sell the thingy to the guy, huh?
DOMINIC
YES.
EMO
No! I mean... not necessarily!
DOMINIC
We were, actually. Empirically.
DANIEL
Aaaand off they go...
EMO
If you want to destroy this man’s agency you’re going to have to get through me, Dom! I’m small but I’m scrappy—I don’t think that’s pain you can handle.
DOMINIC
I don’t even know where to start! He’s playing improv games about artichokes while we’re—...
SFX (cont.): Their argument pans to the background.
MARCUS
This a typical game night for you guys?
DANIEL
Not at all—they usually argue more.
ATHENA
Dominic likes things a certain way—
DANIEL
And Emo is an agent of chaos.
ATHENA
—so there’s bound to be a disagreement or several. And I hope you don’t take anything Dominic says personally. We like you and want you to stay.
MARCUS
Cool. (very quick beat) What’s an “Emo”?
DANIEL
Emo. Her.
MARCUS
Imogene?!
DANIEL
Her name is Imogene?!
MARCUS
Your name is Emo?
SFX: Bring EMO back to foreground:
EMO
There may or may not have been a goth phase in high school and the name stuck. Tell anyone at work and I’ll cut you, pretty boy. I’ll cut you bad. Anyway, Dom! You have got to stop scaring away new friends just because—...
SFX: Argument resumes in background.
MARCUS
Learn something new everyday.
DANIEL
So you work together, is that how—?
MARCUS
Yeah, she’s IT and I’m in sales. I’m kind of new to town and she’s one of the few people who talk to me. Yesterday I said something about Lord of the Rings, she got kind of a manic look in her eyes, and now I’m sitting in this basement surrounded by books and weird dice.
ATHENA
It is a slippery slope.
MARCUS
So what do you guys...?
DANIEL
This is my last year of premed.
MARCUS
Oh, cool!
DANIEL
Not really...
ATHENA
I work from my house.
MARCUS
Living the dream!
ATHENA
It’s a little lonely...
MARCUS
Um... I hate my job too, if that helps?
DANIEL
Thank you—it does.
SFX: Argument pans to foreground with DOMINIC’s line:
DOMINIC
Emo, you really can just sleep with a guy—you don’t have to bring all of them to game night first.
DANIEL
(a long sound of deep discomfort that leads into) ...awkward.
EMO
Benedict is not your box of band-aids or anyone else’s—he’s a real fictional person whose interests may sometimes be at cross-purposes with yours. But that’s what makes a good story! And—besides which, but relevant—look at those muscles, Dom. Look at them. He doesn’t even work out. Did you know that? He doesn’t even work out.
DANIEL
Awkwarder...
MARCUS
Oddly, I’m okay being objectified in this way.
DOMINIC
This is a highly complex game that he simply doesn’t know how to play, and that’s preventing us from playing it to the best of our considerable ability. Full stop.
EMO
It’s a story! “Full stop.”
DOMINIC
It’s a story with points! You acquire tasks, you complete those tasks, you are awarded experience points. Once you have enough points, your character becomes more powerful, can attempt more difficult tasks, is awarded even more points.
EMO
Oh, Dom. We love you and we really, truly don’t know why.
DOMINIC
Now the buyer, whose men we butchered and who rightly fled for his life, gave us a task: “Please acquire this holy relic for me, and I will pay you for it.” We—the three of us, by the way, not him—acquired it, and then new guy joins the party and decides that we’re not going to deliver the goods because that would be more fun. That’s not more fun—that’s a failed quest! Zero experience points.
ATHENA
Not entirely true—the bodyguards were worth 15 experience each, so split four ways that’s—
DOMINIC
(makes a disparaging sound) Caelus was supposed to level up this game. Pointwise, this was by far the lesser path.
MARCUS
Then let’s find a better one.
DOMINIC
How?
MUSIC: Short musical transition underscores Athena's narration and then trails out with Caelus's line. A stately, reverent theme.
ATHENA
After a day’s journey along the Winding Road you arrive at the Musquetan Abbey, a church devoted to the worship of Godwin, and command post of Benedict’s superior, Father Oren. Together, you await his audience...
SFX: Somewhat echoey ambiance of an abbey.
CAELUS
This is not typically how we do things, “Brother.”
BENEDICT
What do you mean?
MERRICK
He means that we’re not in the habit of simply handing over valuable things for no reward.
BENEDICT
Oh, but there is a reward!
MERRICK
Yeah...?
BENEDICT
It’s knowing that you did the right thing.
(A quick beat, then the others burst out laughing.)
BENEDICT (cont.)
Okay, just my reward then.
THACK
Awww, pretty boy. So pretty! Not so smart...
MERRICK
It’s a matter of profit versus loss, Benedict. What do we gain by just handing this thing over? We know what we lose: a considerable bounty, provided we can find another buyer and resist, somehow, trying to murder him or her...
CAELUS
...leverage against whomever the buyer represented, should they return, at some point, for the piece or payback or both...
MERRICK
Aye, that too. And! Lest we forget, a trinket of unknown power that could prove useful to us when we have need, which we often do...
SFX: Footsteps on marble.
FATHER OREN
Brother Benedict.
BENEDICT
(respectful) Father Oren.
FATHER OREN
Not two days departed on your pilgrimage and already you’re keeping company with murderers and thieves.
MERRICK
Only sometimes and usually, but mostly only when they deserve it.
THACK
If they not Thack or friend of Thack, Thack say they deserve it.
BENEDICT
It’s like you always said, Father Oren—“If you seek to save a sinner, then you must sleep where sinners do”?
FATHER OREN
It wasn’t meant literally. Perhaps it was a mistake sending an orphan with little knowledge of the world out into it alone—you’ve always been more comely than bright, lad.
CAELUS
Yes, wonderful, his pulchritude makes the poets weep. What of the device, Godspeaker?
FATHER OREN
Yes, the device. Let me see it.
SFX: Rustling of a cloak.
FATHER OREN (cont.)
Hmm.
CAELUS
I’ll save you some time—we know of course that it is fueled by holy magic; thus, its power is likely curative or protective in nature.
FATHER OREN
What else?
CAELUS
Slots at the top and bottom of the rod suggest missing gemstones or crystals. It’s unclear whether they were enchanted or merely decorative, but I suspect the former.
FATHER OREN
Incorrect.
CAELUS
Now the script seems to be of an early—... sorry, what was that?
FATHER OREN
You’re wrong.
CAELUS
I, you, well, it certainly... but... you’re wrong?
MUSIC: Building suspense.
FATHER OREN
What you have stumbled upon is one piece of a much more powerful whole, and now that its parts are in motion... I’m afraid that it is far too much of a liability to keep this here, despite its great significance to our order.
BENEDICT
(disappointed) Oh...
MERRICK
What exactly is the completed set?
FATHER OREN
The Godstaff of Many Pieces: the most valuable—
MERRICK
(intrigued) Oh.
FATHER OREN
—dangerous—
THACK
(likes the sound of that) Oh.
FATHER OREN
—and powerful artifact in all the history of our known world.
CAELUS
(going to take over that world) Oh…
MUSIC: Concludes.
JORDAN STILLMAN
We hope you're enjoying the series premiere of The Ordinary Epic. If you like what you hear, there's even more to discover: check out theordinaryepic.com for original artwork and show updates. And if you want to support the show, there are many ways to do that too! Join our listener community on Patreon to get access to a ton of awesome behind-the-scenes features and patron-only updates. There’s so much fun stuff waiting for you there, and your support would mean everything to us. And now, back to the show.
SFX (cont.): Outdoors, day. Birds chirping.
SFX (cont.): Three human-sized people, one giant-sized person, and a horse walking along a dirt road.
BENEDICT
So, before, when you told the buyer that it was an ancient relic from the Gods’ War...
CAELUS
I had a sense, naturally, that it was not what it seemed to be at first...
MERRICK
He was lying. We do that sometimes.
THACK
When we tell truth...?
BENEDICT
So mostly the three of you steal things for wealthy people and then extort more money from those people than was promised.
MERRICK
Hey!! “Extort.” We negotiate.
BENEDICT
By lying to them.
MERRICK
Turns out—wasn’t a lie!
BENEDICT
By coincidence.
CAELUS
As I mentioned before, I did have something of a sense that this relic was more than it appeared to be—
THACK
Pointy-ears still yapping.
CAELUS
Your ears are also pointed!
THACK
(growls)
SFX: Horse startles.
CAELUS
Ignorance triumphs yet again. I shall cease my efforts.
BENEDICT
I made a terrible mistake.
MERRICK
Refusing to sell it was perhaps not the most—
BENEDICT