listen-on-apple-podcasts.png
google_podcasts_badge_2x.png
  • Facebook Social Icon
  • Twitter Social Icon
  • Tumblr Social Icon
  • Instagram Social Icon
  • YouTube Social  Icon
  • RSS Social Icon

The Ordinary Epic © 2019 Crose to Home Productions LLC. Original artwork by Hailey Thurrott.

TRANSCRIPT

 

JORDAN STILLMAN

The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury, as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener discretion is advised.

 

ATHENA

The Ordinary—

 

EMO

“Ohhhhhrdinahry!” Like that?

 

MARCUS

EPIC! Definitely epic.

 

DANIEL

Season... one? T-two...? O-one.

 

EMO

Season the first, episode the fifth!

 

DOMINIC

...“Table Talk.”

 

MUSIC CUE: Intrigue and mystery beginning to build

 

ATHENA

During your third night’s stay at the Tipsy Troglodyte, the courier at last arrives, bearing an important message from Caelus’s mentor, the Archon Maerwynn. Reading the scroll, you learn some troubling information about the two Godstaff pieces you’ve thus far—

 

MUSIC CUE: Music abruptly ends

 

SFX: A cell phone ring tone

 

MARCUS

I’m sorry, Athena.

 

ATHENA

It’s okay.

 

MARCUS

I have to, just real quick—

 

EMO

Guys! Pay very close attention. You’re about to witness an extraordinary phenomenon heretofore only observed in the subject’s natural, cubicle-based habitat.

 

MARCUS

I hate you. (sales-y voice) Zach my man, we have to stop meeting like this! Ha ha ha! Yes, absolutamundo, you’ll have their paperwork first thing tomorrow. Pretty good applicants, right?

 

DOMINIC

What... in... the...?

 

EMO

“Ha ha, right?! Ha.”

 

MARCUS

I told you I’d find good ones for ya! And you saw their landlord references? (continues in background)

 

DOMINIC

I’m utterly horrified and yet... can’t look away...

 

EMO

All day, every day, Monday to Friday.

 

DANIEL

Weekends, too.

 

EMO

Aaand that’s why I’m IT, not salesDID YOU JUST SAY “WEEKENDS”?

 

DANIEL

Some weekends...?

 

EMO

And how exactly would you know that, Daniel...?!

 

DANIEL

Know wh-what?

 

EMO

Don’t you play coy with me, boy. Is it possible that you’ve witnessed our man Marcus taking work calls on the weekend because the two of you have been “spending time” together on those same weekends??

 

DANIEL

Uhhhh...!

 

EMO

(squeals with joy)

 

MARCUS

(conversation coming to front) All right, Zach. See you first thing. Uh huh. Ha ha ha! Yeah. Later...

 

SFX: Marcus hangs up

 

DOMINIC

What... happened... to you? What did I just see?

 

MARCUS

It, you know. Business face, man.

 

DOMINIC

No... I really don’t...

 

MARCUS

Anyway, sorry Athena.

 

ATHENA

It’s okay. So—

 

EMO

Wait wait wait wait though. But wait, because Marcus and Daniel, Daniel and Marcus... Were you not even listening??

 

DOMINIC

“Absolutamundo.”

 

EMO

No, the other thing, Dom! Stay on target! These two, behind our backs, under our very noses—

 

MARCUS

Oh, yeah, we’ve been hanging out.

 

EMO

Uh huhhhhh...?

 

MARCUS

Yeah, just, you know. Guy stuff.

 

EMO

Uh huhhhhh...!

 

MARCUS

Two dudes. Doing dude things.

 

EMO

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand...?

 

MARCUS

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand it’s been fuuuuuuun...?

 

EMO

Haaaaaaaaaas it??

 

MARCUS

Yyyyyyesssss...?

 

DOMINIC

Yyyyyessss and perhaps we could eventually get to the game, or are we going to do whatever this is all night?

 

EMO

Uh, honestly I would much rather get to the bottom of this.

 

ATHENA

That’s fine.

 

EMO

See? Athena is also into it.

 

DOMINIC

She is not—she’s being “agreeable.”

 

ATHENA

Whatever you guys want to do, really.

 

MARCUS

Let’s just play. You can pull a Benedict and question me to death in the game.

 

EMO

I’m pleasantly surprised we’re not calling that a “Thack.”

 

DOMINIC

Well no, because a “Thack” is when you have one point to make and club everyone over the head with it. Repeatedly.

 

EMO

Heh. Yeah...

 

DOMINIC

A “Benedict” has more to do with making inane moral stands.

 

MARCUS

Come on, that was one time!

 

DANIEL

Twice. You also gave back the Mayor’s reward.

 

MARCUS

Oh yeah. Well then what’s a Caelus?

 

EMO

A “Caelus” is very similar to a “Dominic”—one has to be very well versed in both to see the difference.

 

DOMINIC

I should not have encouraged this. Let’s play?

 

EMO

Ding ding ding! That’s a Dominic. A “Caelus” is more “It would be beneficial to bow before my benevolence, you busty beautiful... alliteration alliteration alliteration.”

 

DOMINIC

What??

 

EMO

Same imperiousness, more whimsical approach?

 

DOMINIC

I’m... not going to take your bait. Let us play. Then you’ll see my “whimsy.”

 

EMO

Pfff ha ha ha. Okay...

 

ATHENA

...So we’re ready now?

 

DOMINIC / DANIEL

YES.          / Yep.

 

MARCUS

Yes. Sorry again.

 

EMO

I’m ready, but I haven’t forgotten, you two...

 

DANIEL

(uncomfortable sound)

 

ATHENA

Okay. Where was I...

 

MUSIC CUE: Music resumes

 

ATHENA (cont.)

You learn some troubling information about the two Godstaff pieces you’ve thus far collected. According to the Archon, when united with the—

 

MUSIC CUE: Music abruptly ends

 

SFX: Same cell phone ring tone

 

MARCUS

(frustrated sound) I’m so sorry. I have to— (sales-y voice) Vinny, hey! You got my email, right? (fade to background)

 

ATHENA

It’s okay...

 

EMO

Alright, Daniel...!

 

DANIEL

(awkward sound that ends in a question mark)

 

DOMINIC

Emo, what a gossip you’ve become! Let the boys “hang out” or whatever in peace.

 

EMO

It’s not gossip—it’s whole-hearted unconditional support and enthusiasm, but with the one condition that they tell me everything.

 

(DOMINIC/EMO/DANIEL continue in background for a couple beats)

 

SFX: Their conversation, and Marcus’s, falls away; we are mostly on Athena now

 

ATHENA

It’s okay...

 

MUSIC: The Ordinary Epic opening theme.

 

MARCUS

—Yes, and I will— Ha ha, of course! Yes, of course. Sounds great, Vinny. Talk to you tomorrow.

 

SFX: Ending call

 

MARCUS (cont.)

(exhausted/exasperated sound)

 

EMO

So Daniel, what’s up with Marcus working weekends, huh?

 

MARCUS

Today is a Thursday...?

 

EMO

But you do work weekends.

 

MARCUS

Lately, yeah. I mean, you know how busy—

 

EMO

(“shushing” sound) I asked Daniel.

 

DANIEL

He... takes calls... some weekends...?

 

MARCUS

And a lot of evenings, as you’ve all realized by—

 

EMO

(louder “shushing” sound) Daniel.

 

DANIEL

(nervous sound?)

 

EMO

Must be kind of frustrating, huh? Kind of difficult to do “dude things” when one dude has to keep taking phone calls?

 

DOMINIC

I don’t care about this even a little. And I really don’t like all this table talk.

 

MARCUS

To answer your question... I think... work has gotten crazy. I finally figured out what I’m doing and now I don’t have time to breathe. It’s bad, folks.

 

DOMINIC

Yeah, that sounds awful...

 

ATHENA

You’ll still have time for our game nights, I hope?

 

EMO

OF COURSE HE WILL! RIGHT?!

 

MARCUS

(a Daniel-style squeak)

 

EMO

I swear to the first dark tentacled Elder One who answers my call that I’ll see you fired from this job before you start skipping game night.

 

MARCUS

Don’t go making unholy pacts just yet. I’ll make it work. I just have to—

 

SFX: Same cell phone ring tone

 

MARCUS (cont.)

...multitask. I gotta take this. Daniel, tell them your big news! (sales-y voice) Fran, hello! How are you? (continues in background)

 

ATHENA / EMO / DOMINIC

Daniel...?  / Yyyyesss...? / What big news...?

 

DANIEL

It’s not big news. Well, it is big. But it isn’t news. It isn’t news yet. It’s too big to decide and that’s why it isn’t news. If I never decide then it will never be news. So, nevermind...?

 

EMO

Daniel, I know I’ve been kind of awful tonight—

 

DOMINIC

Just tonight? Really.

 

EMO

—but I get carried away when I’m this excited for my friends. And I’m so excited about this! I think it’s great! I hope you know that we love and support you unconditionally, no matter—

 

DANIEL

I’ve been accepted to a very prestigious medical school three hundred miles away.

 

EMO

Oh HELL no!!

 

ATHENA

That’s really wonderful, Daniel.

 

DOMINIC

Yeah, wonderful...

 

EMO

No it is not! I mean, yes, of course it is. But three hundred miles away?? Are you—would you Skype in to game nights, or...?

 

DANIEL

I... could try...?

 

EMO

You better try! When do you have to make a decision?

 

MARCUS

(conversation coming to front) No worries, Fran. Happy to help! Okie doke. Buh bye.

 

SFX: Marcus hangs up

 

MARCUS (cont.)

Soon! Real soon, right?

 

DANIEL

Too soon... I need to respond in two weeks and I haven’t even told my parents I’ve been accepted. They’ll die of excitement, obviously, but is it even what I want...? It’s exciting, I guess. I don’t know that I don’t want it, but it’s hard to separate my own feelings from what I know they’ve always wanted me to but oh God why is everyone staring at me?

 

EMO

All I have to do is not say anything and he’ll just keep talking! I can’t believe I didn’t figure this out months ago!

 

DANIEL

(awkward sound)

 

EMO

See? It’s me. The problem has always been me. (beat) Dom...?

 

DOMINIC

Hm?

 

EMO

“The problem has always been me”? Hello?? That was some mighty fine low-hanging fruit you missed. What’s going on in there?

 

DOMINIC

Nothing, obviously. Are we playing now?

 

DANIEL

Please, yes. Thanks for trying to help, but it’s something I have to figure out on my own.

 

MARCUS

But if you ever do want to talk about it...

 

DANIEL

Thanks, Marcus.

 

MARCUS

Of course, man.

 

EMO

Okay, well whatever is going on with you two, I just want you to know that I ship it, so hard. That’s all!

 

MARCUS

Noted...!

 

ATHENA

...Okay, so, should I...?

 

DOMINIC/EMO/MARCUS/DANIEL

(murmurs of agreement)

 

ATHENA

You’re sure this time...?

 

DOMINIC/EMO/MARCUS/DANIEL

(stronger murmurs of agreement)

 

ATHENA

Okay.  

 

MUSIC CUE: Music resumes

 

ATHENA (cont.)

Having read his mentor’s missive, Caelus prepares to share with the rest of you what he’s learned, and what implications it may have for your impossible quest...

 

MUSIC CUE: Music fades out

 

SFX: A tavern at night; rowdy, but not overwhelming

 

CAELUS

(sighs) (a beat)

 

MERRICK

Go on, then...?

 

CAELUS

Yes, well. She had several things to say...

 

MERRICK

Goodness, not all at once...!

 

CAELUS

Chief among them that we’re in “great danger,” evidently. Nothing new there...

 

THACK

Uh. Pointy-ears drunk or somethin’?

 

CAELUS

Hm. Drunk. Yes, wouldn’t that be nice.

 

BENEDICT

Caelus...?

 

CAELUS

The message said that we... Well, the Godstaff pieces... we should... (sigh)

 

SFX: Return to real-world ambiance

 

DOMINIC

I... don’t know what’s wrong.

 

EMO

Is it something I said?

 

DOMINIC

No. What do you mean?

 

EMO

That upset you, or...?

 

DOMINIC

I’m not upset! I don’t get upset.

 

MARCUS

You never get upset.

 

DOMINIC

Being “upset” is a weaker mind’s response to one’s situation being, in some way, a disappointment... which simply cannot occur if one has deliberately structured one’s life in such a way... that...

 

MARCUS

It’s okay, man.

 

DOMINIC

As I was saying, I have—... “one can” simply code out the design flaws in one’s life. How can you be upset if you’re never disappointed? How can you be disappointed if you never expected the impossible...?

 

EMO

Dom...?

 

DOMINIC

I might... also... have to leave.

 

MUSIC CUE: Dramatic sting

 

JORDAN STILLMAN

Hey there, it's Jordan: Executive Producer of this show. Do you know what's awesome? Friendship! Consider reaching out to a friend who would just love this tale of ne'er-do-well adventurers and the people who play them. Word of mouth is incredibly helpful, so telling even one person would be an amazing way to support us. Thank you so much. And now, back to the show. 

 

EMO

You might have to leave?? You mean, like, just tonight, or...?

 

DOMINIC

I regret this already. I don’t want to do a whole... “talking” thing.

 

EMO

Heaven forfend!

 

DOMINIC

You know what I mean. A tiresome... (unable to describe)

 

EMO

...“sharing your feelings and getting support” sort of thing?

 

DOMINIC

Yes. That.

 

EMO

Sounds awful.

 

DOMINIC

For once, it seems we agree.

 

MARCUS

You don’t have to talk about it, Dom, you don’t have to.

 

DOMINIC

Gosh, thanks, New Guy! What a relief!

 

MARCUS

“New Guy”! Bringing back the classics.

 

DOMINIC

(sighs) I’m sorry, Marcus.

 

EMO / MARCUS / DANIEL

Whaaaa...? / Wow. / Huh...

 

EMO (cont.)

Okay, something is definitely wrong. This is not the Dom we know and... know. What is going on? You don’t have to talk feelings. Just the facts, man.

 

DOMINIC

(heavy sigh)

 

EMO

Why might you have to leave?

 

DOMINIC

I’ve been sitting here... listening to your problems... and, well they’re ridiculous, frankly. Marcus is so employed that he can’t have all of the fun he wants. What a shame.

 

MARCUS

Hey, that’s not exactly—

 

EMO

Everyone, just steel yourselves against the pain. Bite on something if it helps. This is the only way...

 

DOMINIC

Nevermind. If Athena kept her table in order we wouldn’t be talking about this at all.

 

ATHENA

What do you mean by that, Dominic?

 

EMO

Athena! Steel! Pain is weakness leaving your body!

 

DOMINIC

I mean that this sort of table talk is the antithesis of good gaming. It’s termites in your floorboards. It’s corrosion. It’s rot.

 

ATHENA

And you think I should...

 

DOMINIC

Shut it down! I would. I’ve tried, but this isn’t my game. It’s yours, and you might try acting like it.

 

ATHENA

I see. Thank you, Dominic.

 

EMO

We’re so close, guys! Just hold on a little longer...!

 

DOMINIC

I’m really not trying to insult everyone, I’m just... being myself, I guess. That’s a “Dominic,” by the way. It’s when you alienate everyone because you... (sighs)

 

DANIEL

Was there something I said, Dom?

 

DOMINIC

No, it’s who you are, Daniel. You’re twenty-nothing and so talented and supported. Your parents wanted you to be a doctor? How awful. My parents hate me no matter what I do, or don’t do. They don’t want me to be a doctor—they never imagined anything in particular for me except that I would fail. And then they hate me for failing. I’m going to have to move back in with them.

 

EMO

Dom, no. Why?

 

DOMINIC

I haven’t been able to find a real job for months now... and my savings are almost gone.

 

EMO

I’m so sorry. I had no idea.

 

DOMINIC

So at least Marcus has a job, and Daniel has a bright future ahead of him away from his parents, whether or not that particular bright future is the exact one he wants; when I move back, it’ll be back to... them. That house. And it will be because I failed.

 

MARCUS

Is there anything we can do? You can crash on my couch for a little—

 

DOMINIC

No. But... thank you. I think we should... let’s just play the game while we still can.

 

EMO

You know what? Let’s not.

 

MARCUS/DANIEL/DOMINIC

(sounds of surprise)

 

EMO

I like table talk. It’s what separates friendly gamers from friends who also game. And we’re friends, right?

 

MARCUS

Yeah, I think so.

 

DANIEL

Definitely.

 

DOMINIC

Well—

 

EMO

I’m not going to give you a chance to “Dominic” that. We are friends. Sometimes we can just hang out, right? As Daniel and Marcus have already demonstrated, we don’t always need to play a game to spend time together.

 

DANIEL

So... we’re not going to play tonight...?

 

EMO

Screw it—let’s just hang out and talk! Who’s with me?

 

MARCUS

Huh. Well, I’m down!

 

DANIEL

Me, too.

 

DOMINIC

I’m about to agree with Emo for the second time tonight—I guess something really is wrong. Okay. Let’s just... talk.

 

EMO

Awesome. And Athena, I assume you’re down with this.

 

(long beat)

 

EMO (cont.)

Athena...?

 

ATHENA

Yeah. That’s okay.

 

MARCUS

You… sure?

 

(a tense beat)

 

ATHENA

...No.

 

(another tense beat)

 

MARCUS

I’m really sorry about all the—

 

ATHENA

I don’t feel that the rest of you respect me.

 

EMO

Athena, of course we—!

 

ATHENA

I’m talking now, Emo.

 

EMO

Sorry.

 

ATHENA

Sometimes I look around this table, at a group of people I invited, to an evening I planned, of an adventure I wrote... and I feel like a spectator. I feel, sometimes, like the least relevant person here. Like I finally got to sit at the popular kids’ table, but just sit. How can that be? I paid for this table; I own it. Or I thought I did. I didn’t think I also had to “control” it.

 

DOMINIC

Athena... I didn’t mean—

 

ATHENA

Yes, you did. And maybe you were right. I had... a really great game planned tonight. And—

 

SFX: Same cell phone ring tone

 

MARCUS

I’m... just going to turn this—...

 

SFX: Phone is silenced

 

MARCUS

I’m really sorry please keep talking.

 

ATHENA

It doesn’t matter. I’m really glad you were all able to share important things tonight. Marcus, this was a new job for you and now you’re thriving in it, just a few months later. That’s incredible. Daniel, whatever you choose to do, I just know you’re going to be great at it. You’ve blossomed so much, even in the short time I’ve known you. Dominic... I’m really sorry you might have to move back home. That’s terrible. But you don’t need anyone to tell you what a smart and resourceful person you are; it might be bad, but please believe that it won’t be for long. And Emo... I think I’ve seen every possible side of you except empathy for your friends, and tonight I even saw that. The four of you astound me.

 

MARCUS/DANIEL/DOMINIC/EMO

(quiet somber reactions)

 

ATHENA

But you take me for granted. Everyone always has... and for a long time, I thought I was okay with that. But I’m not. If I don’t put myself first, my needs, why should anyone else? So... I need to start learning how to do that.

 

EMO

What are you saying...?

 

ATHENA

Next week will be our last game.

 

MUSIC: End credits music.

 

JORDAN STILLMAN

The Ordinary Epic was created by Brandon M. Crose, and brought to life by Executive Producer Jordan Stillman, Technical Producer Brad Smith, Composer Tiven Weinstock, Graphic Designer Hailey Thurrott, and Visual Designer Sangjun Lee, with additional music and music editing by Bradley Jordan, and audio by Matthew Lightbound. Season one, episode 5: Table Talk, was directed by Stephanie LeBolt, and features the voice talents of Rachel Belleman as Emo and Thack; Caitlin Gjerdrum as Athena; Brandon Green as Marcus and Benedict; Michael Hisamoto as Daniel and Merrick; and Elliot Purcell as Dominic and Caelus. Extra special thanks to Production Assistants Neil Johnson, Liz Schultz, and Matt Kramer. Check out theordinaryepic.com for bonus content, original artwork, and to join our listener community. Season one of The Ordinary Epic is made possible in part by a grant from Neil Marsh of Eternity Cove Productions. The Ordinary Epic is copyright 2019, Crose to Home Productions, LLC.

 

MUSIC: End credit theme concludes.

 

JORDAN (cont.)

Thank you so, so much for listening. This first season of The Ordinary Epic concludes in two weeks with episode 6: Amends. We’ll see you then.