The Group | The Ordinary Epic

TRANSCRIPT

JORDAN STILLMAN

The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury, as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener discretion is advised.

DOMINIC

The Ordinary Epic, season one, episode one: The Group.

SFX (cont.): Fade in background sound of a (nonrowdy) medieval tavern.

MUSIC (cont.): A lute is being played.

MERRICK

The expedition went as planned, friend, but with one happy exception—where you sent us after copper, we found gold.

BUYER

Maybe I and my men were partial to the copper.

MERRICK

Ah, but you’ll like this particular gold better. Caelus?

CAELUS

This is no trinket, as you thought, but a holy artifact from the Gods’ War days—possibly before. Its purpose is unknown, but I detect that it still holds great power within.

BUYER

So what’s your point?

MERRICK

That it is worth, well, somewhat more than the modest bounty you originally offered.

BUYER

Is that so.

THACK

(intimidating) Yeah, it is.

BUYER

Call off your troll, Merrick.

THACK

Thack half-orc. What—all not-humans look same to you?

MERRICK

No threat was implied, friend, of course. The lady has a gruff demeanor, but a heart of gold.

BUYER

“Lady”? How can you tell?

THACK

Thack dance real pretty, that how. And can crush yer fuckin’ skull with one hand.

SFX: Sounds of several blades being drawn.

MUSIC: The lute abruptly stops.

THACK

(chuckle) More skulls take two hands.

BUYER

Hmph. Stand down, boys.

SFX: Sounds of several blades being sheathed.

MUSIC: The lute player haltingly resumes.

BUYER (cont.)

It’s a curious thing, your band of misfits—orc muscle, a pointy-eared sage—

CAELUS

Actually, it’s pronounced “mage,” with an “em” sound, as in the marvelous magics that may maim or murder in a manner most metic—

BUYER

—and a half-breed face man.

MERRICK

Half-elf, if you would; race is kind of difficult for you, huh? Thank you, at least, for not calling me “thief” like everyone else...

BUYER

I don’t altogether enjoy this conversation, but we can bargain. I just need to know that your pet human won’t be trouble later.

MERRICK

Beg your pardon?

BUYER

The silent one in the raiment of a holy man.

BENEDICT

Uh... Is that me?

BUYER

See anyone else wearing bedsheets? Are you an actual priest or do you perhaps wear the robes for fun?

BENEDICT

Um...

BUYER

This trinket is sacred to your order or somesuch, isn’t it? Am I going to have cause to regret this trade later.

BENEDICT

I’m... time out?—

SFX: Pub ambiance/music abruptly ceases.

SFX: We are now in a real-life basement.

MARCUS

So I’m confused. What am I supposed to say to him?

DOMINIC

That you don’t care.

EMO

But maybe he does care.

MARCUS

Do I...?

ATHENA

Think about what your character would say, Marcus, and just say that.

MARCUS

This really isn’t like most board games...

DOMINIC

New guy isn’t even a gamer. Yet another nice find, Emo.

EMO

Shut up, Dom. Marcus, it’s a role-playing game.

MARCUS

Right.

EMO

So you’re this holy guy: Benedict.

MARCUS

Right.

EMO

And he’s just joined this adventuring party.

MARCUS

Right. (quick beat) Why?

DOMINIC

Because we needed someone to heal us and not ask questions.

EMO

Dom!

DOMINIC

What!

DANIEL

Any reason you want, Marcus. That’s the great thing about this game—you can be anyone you want. Do anything you want, for any reason, so long as it’s true to your character.

EMO

Oh my god he does speak!

DANIEL

I—what? No he doesn’t.

EMO

That is the absolute most I have ever heard Daniel say that wasn’t in character as Merrick.

DANIEL

(sound of discomfort)

MARCUS

...What is happening right now?

EMO

He doesn’t like to be the center of attention.

DANIEL

(sound of discomfort worsens)

EMO

Like this, right now. He hates this. This is his nightmare. Daniel. Daniel. Daniel.

DANIEL

(about to explode)

MARCUS

So this is like improv!

DANIEL

(exhausted) Thank you so much...

MARCUS

One guy says “I like artichokes” so the other guy says “Oh really? Well too bad I got the last one” and now you have a scene with conflict, which is good for some reason? I did an improv class through my old job one time. It was mostly about artichokes.

EMO

Sure!

MUSIC: Tense music.

MARCUS

Cool. I totally got this.

DOMINIC

Wait, but—

ATHENA

So the buyer says—

SFX: Back to the pub.

BUYER

—or am I going to have cause to regret this trade later?

BENEDICT

There’s no need for regret, brother. Because there is no trade.

BUYER

What.

CAELUS

What?!

MERRICK

Great...

BENEDICT

This artifact belongs to my church, and as such, I cannot part with it for any price.

SFX: Many people drawing weapons.

THACK

(chuckles darkly)

BENEDICT

...Uh. What did I say?

BUYER

Kill them all!

SFX: Battle sounds crash into...

MUSIC: The Ordinary Epic opening theme.

SFX: Very large sword being plunged into a man’s chest, and then that man’s body being kicked off the sword and onto the floor.

SFX: Transition to real-world basement ambiance as narration continues.

ATHENA

...The last man falls to Thack’s towering blade. You survey the aftermath: several bodies lie scattered around the now-empty tavern, though the buyer himself seems to have escaped—and with him, your chance of offloading the relic for a bounty.

DANIEL

Well, uh... glad you took my advice to heart?

DOMINIC

This is why we don’t like new guys. The group is the group! And new guy is a bad player.

EMO

Don’t call people names, douche canoe!

DOMINIC

New guy is playing this game badly.

MARCUS

We were supposed to sell the thingy to the guy, huh?

DOMINIC

YES.

EMO

No! I mean... not necessarily!

DOMINIC

We were, actually. Empirically.

DANIEL

Aaaand off they go...

EMO

If you want to destroy this man’s agency you’re going to have to get through me, Dom! I’m small but I’m scrappy—I don’t think that’s pain you can handle.

DOMINIC

I don’t even know where to start! He’s playing improv games about artichokes while we’re—...

SFX (cont.): Their argument pans to the background.

MARCUS

This a typical game night for you guys?

DANIEL

Not at all—they usually argue more.

ATHENA

Dominic likes things a certain way—

DANIEL

And Emo is an agent of chaos.

ATHENA

—so there’s bound to be a disagreement or several. And I hope you don’t take anything Dominic says personally. We like you and want you to stay.

MARCUS

Cool. (very quick beat) What’s an “Emo”?

DANIEL

Emo. Her.

MARCUS

Imogene?!

DANIEL

Her name is Imogene?!

MARCUS

Your name is Emo?

SFX: Bring EMO back to foreground:

EMO

There may or may not have been a goth phase in high school and the name stuck. Tell anyone at work and I’ll cut you, pretty boy. I’ll cut you bad. Anyway, Dom! You have got to stop scaring away new friends just because—...

SFX: Argument resumes in background.

MARCUS

Learn something new everyday.

DANIEL

So you work together, is that how—?

MARCUS

Yeah, she’s IT and I’m in sales. I’m kind of new to town and she’s one of the few people who talk to me. Yesterday I said something about Lord of the Rings, she got kind of a manic look in her eyes, and now I’m sitting in this basement surrounded by books and weird dice.

ATHENA

It is a slippery slope.

MARCUS

So what do you guys...?

DANIEL

This is my last year of premed.

MARCUS

Oh, cool!

DANIEL

Not really...

ATHENA

I work from my house.

MARCUS

Living the dream!

ATHENA

It’s a little lonely...

MARCUS

Um... I hate my job too, if that helps?

DANIEL

Thank you—it does.

SFX: Argument pans to foreground with DOMINIC’s line:

DOMINIC

Emo, you really can just sleep with a guy—you don’t have to bring all of them to game night first.

DANIEL

(a long sound of deep discomfort that leads into) ...awkward.

EMO

Benedict is not your box of band-aids or anyone else’s—he’s a real fictional person whose interests may sometimes be at cross-purposes with yours. But that’s what makes a good story! And—besides which, but relevant—look at those muscles, Dom. Look at them. He doesn’t even work out. Did you know that? He doesn’t even work out.

DANIEL

Awkwarder...

MARCUS

Oddly, I’m okay being objectified in this way.

DOMINIC

This is a highly complex game that he simply doesn’t know how to play, and that’s preventing us from playing it to the best of our considerable ability. Full stop.

EMO

It’s a story! “Full stop.”

DOMINIC

It’s a story with points! You acquire tasks, you complete those tasks, you are awarded experience points. Once you have enough points, your character becomes more powerful, can attempt more difficult tasks, is awarded even more points.

EMO

Oh, Dom. We love you and we really, truly don’t know why.

DOMINIC

Now the buyer, whose men we butchered and who rightly fled for his life, gave us a task: “Please acquire this holy relic for me, and I will pay you for it.” We—the three of us, by the way, not him—acquired it, and then new guy joins the party and decides that we’re not going to deliver the goods because that would be more fun. That’s not more fun—that’s a failed quest! Zero experience points.

ATHENA

Not entirely true—the bodyguards were worth 15 experience each, so split four ways that’s—

DOMINIC

(makes a disparaging sound) Caelus was supposed to level up this game. Pointwise, this was by far the lesser path.

MARCUS

Then let’s find a better one.

DOMINIC

How?

MUSIC: Short musical transition underscores Athena's narration and then trails out with Caelus's line. A stately, reverent theme.

ATHENA

After a day’s journey along the Winding Road you arrive at the Musquetan Abbey, a church devoted to the worship of Godwin, and command post of Benedict’s superior, Father Oren. Together, you await his audience...

SFX: Somewhat echoey ambiance of an abbey.

CAELUS

This is not typically how we do things, “Brother.”

BENEDICT

What do you mean?

MERRICK

He means that we’re not in the habit of simply handing over valuable things for no reward.

BENEDICT

Oh, but there is a reward!

MERRICK

Yeah...?

BENEDICT

It’s knowing that you did the right thing.

(A quick beat, then the others burst out laughing.)

BENEDICT (cont.)

Okay, just my reward then.

THACK

Awww, pretty boy. So pretty! Not so smart...

MERRICK

It’s a matter of profit versus loss, Benedict. What do we gain by just handing this thing over? We know what we lose: a considerable bounty, provided we can find another buyer and resist, somehow, trying to murder him or her...

CAELUS

...leverage against whomever the buyer represented, should they return, at some point, for the piece or payback or both...

MERRICK

Aye, that too. And! Lest we forget, a trinket of unknown power that could prove useful to us when we have need, which we often do...

SFX: Footsteps on marble.

FATHER OREN

Brother Benedict.

BENEDICT

(respectful) Father Oren.

FATHER OREN

Not two days departed on your pilgrimage and already you’re keeping company with murderers and thieves.

MERRICK

Only sometimes and usually, but mostly only when they deserve it.

THACK

If they not Thack or friend of Thack, Thack say they deserve it.

BENEDICT

It’s like you always said, Father Oren—“If you seek to save a sinner, then you must sleep where sinners do”?

FATHER OREN

It wasn’t meant literally. Perhaps it was a mistake sending an orphan with little knowledge of the world out into it alone—you’ve always been more comely than bright, lad.

CAELUS

Yes, wonderful, his pulchritude makes the poets weep. What of the device, Godspeaker?

FATHER OREN

Yes, the device. Let me see it.

SFX: Rustling of a cloak.

FATHER OREN (cont.)

Hmm.

CAELUS

I’ll save you some time—we know of course that it is fueled by holy magic; thus, its power is likely curative or protective in nature.

FATHER OREN

What else?

CAELUS

Slots at the top and bottom of the rod suggest missing gemstones or crystals. It’s unclear whether they were enchanted or merely decorative, but I suspect the former.

FATHER OREN

Incorrect.

CAELUS

Now the script seems to be of an early—... sorry, what was that?

FATHER OREN

You’re wrong.

CAELUS

I, you, well, it certainly... but... you’re wrong?

MUSIC: Building suspense.

FATHER OREN

What you have stumbled upon is one piece of a much more powerful whole, and now that its parts are in motion... I’m afraid that it is far too much of a liability to keep this here, despite its great significance to our order.

BENEDICT

(disappointed) Oh...

MERRICK

What exactly is the completed set?

FATHER OREN

The Godstaff of Many Pieces: the most valuable—

MERRICK

(intrigued) Oh.

FATHER OREN

—dangerous—

THACK

(likes the sound of that) Oh.

FATHER OREN

—and powerful artifact in all the history of our known world.

CAELUS

(going to take over that world) Oh…

MUSIC: Concludes.

JORDAN STILLMAN

We hope you're enjoying the series premiere of The Ordinary Epic. If you like what you hear, there's even more to discover: check out theordinaryepic.com for original artwork and show updates. And if you want to support the show, there are many ways to do that too! Join our listener community on Patreon to get access to a ton of awesome behind-the-scenes features and patron-only updates. There’s so much fun stuff waiting for you there, and your support would mean everything to us. And now, back to the show.

SFX (cont.): Outdoors, day. Birds chirping.

SFX (cont.): Three human-sized people, one giant-sized person, and a horse walking along a dirt road.

BENEDICT

So, before, when you told the buyer that it was an ancient relic from the Gods’ War...

CAELUS

I had a sense, naturally, that it was not what it seemed to be at first...

MERRICK

He was lying. We do that sometimes.

THACK

When we tell truth...?

BENEDICT

So mostly the three of you steal things for wealthy people and then extort more money from those people than was promised.

MERRICK

Hey!! “Extort.” We negotiate.

BENEDICT

By lying to them.

MERRICK

Turns out—wasn’t a lie!

BENEDICT

By coincidence.

CAELUS

As I mentioned before, I did have something of a sense that this relic was more than it appeared to be—

THACK

Pointy-ears still yapping.

CAELUS

Your ears are also pointed!

THACK

(growls)

SFX: Horse startles.

CAELUS

Ignorance triumphs yet again. I shall cease my efforts.

BENEDICT

I made a terrible mistake.

MERRICK

Refusing to sell it was perhaps not the most—

BENEDICT

I meant joining your group! It’s common for a priest on pilgrimage to travel with like-minded souls. Instead I fell in with you. Refusing to sell this relic was the only smart thing I’ve done in the past few days.

MERRICK

Well, for my part, and despite the considerable loss in profit your crisis of conscience inflicted upon us, I’ve enjoyed your company. It’s been some time since we adventured with a healer. They kept dying on us and eventually we just gave up.

BENEDICT

...What?

MERRICK

I’m kidding, of course! Most of them left in disgust. (quickly somber) One did die.

THACK

Poor Benedict.

BENEDICT

What??

THACK

His name also Benedict. Look a little like you, too...

BENEDICT

Next town, I’m rid of the lot of you. I just need to figure out a place where no one will ever find this Godstaff piece and that I can get to before whoever’s looking for it finds me.

MERRICK

Interesting notion. And you are offering us how much as payment, Brother?

BENEDICT

“Payment”?

MERRICK

As we intrepid three did recover the eldritch artifact of world-shaking power ourselves, without your aid—

CAELUS

—I did point that out before...

THACK

(growls)

CAELUS

(defeated) Fine.

MERRICK

—it’s not yours to take without suitable compensation. One might even call such a thing... “theft.”

BENEDICT

Well, I took something called a vow of poverty, so...

MERRICK

Sounds like we’re stuck with each other.

BENEDICT

For now. Until I’m satisfied that this relic will not fall into the wrong hands.

MUSIC: Upbeat, inspiring selection from the main theme.

MERRICK

Welcome to the Dauntless Dungeoneers, Brother Benedict.

BENEDICT

Thanks, I think.

THACK

Keep Thack healed up nice, pretty boy, Thack keep your enemies dead.

BENEDICT

You really don’t have to do that. Actually, please don’t.

MUSIC: Music stalls out with Caelus’s silence.

MERRICK

...Caelus?

CAELUS

(hard, long, world-weary sigh)

BENEDICT

(upbeat) You too, Caelus.

MERRICK

So... what exactly is this thing? And more importantly: what should we do with it?

CAELUS

I’m afraid that the “Godstaff of Many Pieces” belongs more to the realm of myth than knowledge.

MERRICK

So, you don’t know.

CAELUS

Of course I do! Though... I will perhaps lean on our good Brother for the insipid made-up divine bits.

BENEDICT

Heresy too! That’s nice.

SFX: Fade out on walking sounds.

MUSIC: Invoking the dawn of creation, violence, magic, and strife.

SFX (cont.): Certain dramatic effects at appropriate moments (sounds of battle, a staff cracking, etc.)

CAELUS

At the supposed dawn of creation, the gods carved from the first tree a staff that allowed them to rule over this world and all the creatures on it. Eventually, they decided—

BENEDICT

—you mean Torak the Betrayer decided—

CAELUS

(annoyed) Someone or multiple someones decided that this staff represented too much power in too few hands.

BENEDICT

“Thus began the Godswar, a battle for the fate of rule borne out on the world of men—”

CAELUS

—“men”?? The elves were here first, human—

BENEDICT

“—the consequences of which shattered earth and boiled sea, creating the mountains and deserts we have to this day.”

CAELUS

(sarcastic) Right. That’s of course where our geological features come from.

BENEDICT

Anyway, the staff was broken and the creatures of this world were left to govern their own fate. However, the staff, being immortal like the gods, could not be destroyed utterly, and so the individual pieces were scattered across the world, hidden in the deepest, most remote places, so that it would never again be reassembled.

MUSIC: Musical sequence recedes.

SFX: Fade back in walking sounds.

THACK

Thack like part where gods make mountains with violence. Thack do that someday.

MERRICK

Friends, our path is obvious—we sell it for a lot of money. Really just a disgusting amount of wealth. We retire and never steal again, except when it’s essential we do so for the greater good. Or when we’re bored.

BENEDICT

We absolutely cannot—

MERRICK

I mean, to some elite private collector. It’ll be every bit as hidden and guarded as it was in that ancient dungeon we ransacked—maybe moreso.

THACK

Thack say keep magic stick. Help us kill better.

BENEDICT

The magic of this piece is supposed to be protective?

THACK

Yeah, protect us so we kill more.

BENEDICT

Right.

MERRICK

Caelus?

CAELUS

Oh, wonderful, so we care now what the mage thinks?

MERRICK

We always cared—we just were never interested.

CAELUS

You’ll be interested in this—I think that we should find the rest of the pieces before someone else does.

BENEDICT

Oh really.

CAELUS

We all heard your cult leader—

BENEDICT

—Father Oren is a high priest of Godwin, not a—

CAELUS

—“Should the completed staff fall into the wrong hands, nothing we know or hold dear will be safe.”

BENEDICT

Whose hands are the right hands? Yours?

SFX: Horse whinnies in alarm. A rustle of bushes.

MUSIC (cont.): A note of surprise, then continuing into a sequence with many turns that takes us out of the episode.

SFX: A sword is drawn.

BUYER

(speaking from a small distance) You adventurers and your “right” and “wrong.” It’s hilarious, really.

SFX: Sound of THACK snarling and drawing massive sword.

BUYER

Don’t bother with that, beastie. My patron is very, very unhappy that you killed his other men, so now he’s sent all these archers. Goodness, just look at ‘em all.

SFX: Rustling of many bushes.

MERRICK

Godwin’s balls.

BENEDICT

Uh, blasphemy...!

MERRICK

Is that really the most pressing—

BUYER

Your only concern right now should be walking out of this alive, and believe me, there’s only one way that happens: hand over the piece like you should have in the first place.

SFX: Quick transition to basement ambiance.

ATHENA

The buyer has you completely surrounded and outnumbered, much worse than before. He smirks as you contemplate your limited options. What do you do?

EMO

Guys, Thack’s still a little bruised from that last scuffle...

DANIEL

Merrick too.

DOMINIC

Caelus still has a few of his more powerful spells, but... I’m not sure we’re all going to make it out of this one.

EMO

Wait, are you saying... we fight??

DOMINIC

We fight.

EMO

Even for no tangible reward? What about your “optimal points”...?!

DOMINIC

About that... Look, new guy... I’ve been, I guess, a little hard on you...

MARCUS

You’re also still calling me “new guy” instead of Marcus.

DOMINIC

Yeah, I don’t think that’s likely to change. But it—look, these game nights... they... well, I... I mean...

MARCUS

It’s okay, man.

DOMINIC

What I’m trying to say is... that you don’t suck quite as much as I thought, and this game has been, I suppose, one to three percent more fun than the ones before you were here. So you can stay in the group. I guess.

EMO/DANIEL/MARCUS

Awwwww...!

ATHENA

And also Father Oren technically did give you a different quest when he asked you to take the piece far away, one that has—you’ve likely surmised—a much higher experience point reward than the original?

DOMINIC

Never once crossed my mind.

EMO

There he is.

DANIEL

So, we attack?

DOMINIC

New guy’s call.

MARCUS

Really?

DOMINIC

You got us this far. Let’s see it through your way.

MARCUS

(touched) Thanks, Dominic.

DOMINIC

And I want you to know that Emo was right—you do have nice muscles.

MARCUS

(uncomfortable) Thanks, Dominic...

ATHENA

Arrows nocked, bowstrings taut, the buyer’s men regard you coolly, as—

MARCUS

Wait, sorry to interrupt—

MUSIC: Stops.

ATHENA

Oh, everyone just does. No need to apologize.

MARCUS

Is the reason you invited me here—

EMO

—that I just wanted to get into your pants? Yes. One hundred percent.

MARCUS

Ah...

EMO

But don’t even worry about it. I’ve decided you’re not nearly weird enough for me.

MARCUS

That’s... cool. But is it, like, weird if I keep showing up to these?

EMO

I’d say it’s just weird enough.

DOMINIC

Can we finish the story??

SFX: Transition back to game world ambiance with ATHENA.

ATHENA

The buyer awaits your decision, poised as one both ready for a fight and assured of its outcome.

BUYER

I’ll have that relic now.

THACK

Thack hope pretty boy have more healing. We gonna need it.

MERRICK

You guys might. One of you dies and I’m running for it. So don’t.

CAELUS

We’ll have to use every advantage, and we’ve not many left.

SFX: Rustling of cloth.

MUSIC: Reprise of music from Gods’ War story begins to build.

BENEDICT

Just one. But maybe it’s all we need.

CAELUS

Benedict, you have no idea what that piece does! What consequences using it will have!

SFX: A hum of power begins to build.

BENEDICT

(realizing) Oh. Actually, I do. Want to see before we all die?

THACK

Yup!

MERRICK

Next time, I make the plans. This really is the worst one yet.

CAELUS

If you’re going to do it, do it now. (begins chanting a spell)

BUYER

Target the mage!

MUSIC: Music builds to a tense moment then drops off completely, ominously.

SFX: Dark, godly reverb on BENEDICT’s command:

BENEDICT

Obliterate.

MUSIC: End credits music.

JORDAN STILLMAN

The Ordinary Epic was created by Brandon M. Crose, and brought to life by Executive Producer Jordan Stillman, Technical Producer Brad Smith, Composer Tiven Weinstock, Graphic Designer Hailey Thurrott, and Visual Designer Sangjun Lee, with additional music and music editing by Bradley Jordan, and audio by Matthew Lightbound. Season one, episode one: The Group, was directed by Stephanie LeBolt, and features the voice talents of Rachel Belleman as Emo and Thack; Caitlin Gjerdrum as Athena, the Buyer, and Father Oren; Brandon Green as Marcus and Benedict; Michael Hisamoto as Daniel and Merrick; and Elliot Purcell as Dominic and Caelus. Extra special thanks to Production Assistants Neil Johnson, Liz Schultz, and Matt Kramer, and to Tom Janes and Lois Paton for the live musical performances heard in this episode. Check out theordinaryepic.com for bonus content, original artwork, and to join our listener community. Season one of The Ordinary Epic is made possible in part by a grant from Neil Marsh of Eternity Cove Productions. The Ordinary Epic is copyright 2019, Crose to Home Productions, LLC.

MUSIC: End credit theme concludes.

JORDAN STILLMAN (cont.)

Thank you so much for listening to our series premiere! We’ll be back in two weeks with Episode Two: The Dip. And in the meantime, always remember: You can be anyone you want. Do anything you want, for any reason, so long as it’s true to your character.