Modern-Day Thacktivism | The Ordinary Epic

TRANSCRIPT

JORDAN STILLMAN

The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury, as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener discretion is advised.

EMO

The Ordinary Epic, season one, episode three: Modern-Day Thacktivism.

SFX: Outdoors, night. An owl hoots. Sounds of walking along a dirt road.

BENEDICT

You know what I would love?

CAELUS

A long, pious life that is principally defined by the pleasures you deny yourself?

BENEDICT

I would love to sleep.

MERRICK

I’d love not to be on the run from a man bent on revenge who seems to command an infinite number of able mercenaries, but sometimes what we love is just out of reach, know what I mean?

THACK

Eh, not to worry—kill them too.

SFX: Rustle of branches

CAELUS

There it is.

SFX: Walking ceases

MERRICK

Homnett.

SFX (cont.): Early-morning town sounds

BENEDICT

Great. And someone here will know what to do with the Godstaff piec—?

MERRICK

Shh! Tell the known world, why don’t we?

BENEDICT

...with the... “thing”?

CAELUS

I would like to submit again for the record that I was indisposed when the rest of you agreed to pursue this foolish errand—

THACK

Thought you dead.

CAELUS

—and, therefore, am not bound to the terms of this agreement by any written law.

MERRICK

Benedict gave up his priesthood to save your life.

CAELUS

Yes. And I have thanked him for that profusely.

BENEDICT

Have you...?

CAELUS

We’ve strayed off topic. My point is, while I am grateful for my life, and while we will assist you in your task when we are able, at this particular juncture, we are not able.

BENEDICT

I see.

MERRICK

We’re out of money, Benedict. We want to help—we’re going to help. But first we need to resupply. And to do that, well...

CAELUS

We’ll need to acquire less... savory work.

THACK

(grumbles)

BENEDICT

Less savory? What could possibly be less savory than your usual plan of acquiring clients and then cheating them?

CAELUS

Towns such as this are often in need of... inelegant solutions to their problems.

THACK

He mean killin’.

MERRICK

Not always! Sometimes it’s mere extortion, intimidation, bruising, vigorous maiming...

THACK

(disgusted sound)

BENEDICT

Thack, I thought you loved violence in all forms.

THACK

Job like this? People on other end of sword never human.

DOMINIC

No no no, oh please no!

SFX: Quick transition to real world

DOMINIC (cont.)

I am begging you—pleading with you... please do not do this to me again. To us again.

EMO

Do what, Dom?

DOMINIC

You know exactly what you did.

MARCUS

What did she do...?

DANIEL

Best not to draw attention to ourselves right now. Remain very, very still.

ATHENA

Emo can play her character however she likes, Dom.

DOMINIC

Thack is a shark with legs and a giant sword. She’s not a social activist. That’s Emo. Sometimes.

EMO

Emo is a social activist all the times—she only talks about it sometimes because you get all… you. And like Emo, Thack is a multifaceted gem of a woman.

DOMINIC

Maybe we could not shine a light on this particular facet?

MARCUS

Alright, I’ll bite. What’s the problem?

DANIEL

Marcus, you fool...

DOMINIC

Sometimes Thack, for no conceivable reason, becomes an advocate for the rights of the monsters we’re being paid to slay.

EMO

“No conceivable...”?? First of all, a “monster” has no conscience and enjoys inflicting pain and suffering. That sounds a lot like someone at this table. (I’ll give you a small hint: It’s Dominic.) Orcs, on the other hand, are maligned demihumans who are persecuted for no reason other than that—

DOMINIC

—they’re evil?!

EMO

Your worldview is terrifyingly binary, sweet Dom.

MARCUS

Okay. So this is going to be one of those nights.

DANIEL

Well, now it is...

ATHENA

(sighs)

DOMINIC

You see? No one wants this, Emo. Drop it.

EMO

Sure, I’ll drop it. Of course I will. I’ll turn a blind eye to the suffering of a unique and intelligent people because their way of life is not exactly mine. What’s more—sometimes I’ll kill them for profit! Why not? After all, they’re evil.

DOMINIC

(miserable) I’ll do anything. Just, please.

MUSIC CUE: Working up to main theme

EMO

(building to a peak) Just because our characters exist in a cruel world with a woefully misguided value system doesn’t mean we have to be its creepy puppets. Here and now, let us declare that we won’t stand for evil, especially when it is done in the name of good. We will defend the little guy! We will fight for what’s right! We will bathe this fantasy land in a long soak of justice for all creatures—yes, ALL creatures—even if you are “just a dirty—”

MUSIC CUE: Main theme

EMO

“—orc.” I could be imagining this, but sometimes I get the feeling that you guys just tune me out.

DOMINIC

I wouldn’t worry about that; it’s really not possible.

EMO

Oh good!

ATHENA

Um, well then. If everyone’s ready...?

MARCUS

Yup.

DANIEL

Mm hm.

EMO

Very! This is going to be a great game; you’ll see.

DOM

(world-weary sigh)

ATHENA

I wrote tonight’s adventure ahead of time, not realizing tonight would be… tonight… so... I don’t know about “great,” but this is certain to be interesting...?

MUSIC CUE: Transition music into game world

ATHENA (cont.)

The next morning, having rested, sort of, in a nearby horse stable and left before the owner found you there, you are granted audience with Homnett’s mayor to discuss an opportunity that just might be the answer to your financial woes...

SFX: We’re in a medium-sized room with a wooden floor. Occasional flies buzzing around our heroes.

MAYOR

By the gods, you lot smell ripe.

MERRICK

Our commitment to quality means that we sometimes forego nonessentials such as hygiene, good sir. Can our competitors say that?

MAYOR

I don’t believe they would, no.

THACK

Thack… always stink this good.

MAYOR

Your appearance and odor don’t concern me, though perhaps... you don’t mind if I...?

SFX: Quick footsteps. A window opening. Town sounds can be more clearly heard.

MAYOR (cont.)

Ah, much better. I accepted your bid because there is a fearsome nuisance just outside of town gathering strength every day, and we simply don’t have the manpower to safely deal with it.

THACK

Huh. Maybe need womanpower...

CAELUS

We are eminently pleased to help, of course. What malady plagues this town, Mayor?

MAYOR

We are a small community, and the people here are good, law-abiding folk. Some months ago—at the request of the Baron himself, no less!—we began digging out the entrance to some old ruins, and who moves in one night but a pack of savage orcs!

THACK

(a low growl that lingers)

MERRICK

Steady...

CAELUS

Oh, dear...!

MAYOR

“Oh dear” is right! Can you begin to imagine—their brutish animal teeth tearing into the flesh of stolen livestock, whooping and barking late into the night, making some ritual sacrifice to their dark god...? And but a stone’s throw from where we conduct business and raise our children!

THACK

(stronger growling)

MERRICK

Steady...!

CAELUS

A terrible thought, most certainly, Mayor. How can we be of aid?

MAYOR

You look to be a capable lot—I want them away from my town, and I don’t care how you do it. I can only pay you fifty coin for this work—

MUSIC CUE: Music promising mystery and adventure starting to build

MAYOR

—but the real reward lies beyond the orcs’ filthy lair, for these ruins are none other than the mythic city of—!

SFX: Thack angrily knocks something over

MUSIC CUE: Music cuts off abruptly

THACK

That it!! Thack hear enough!

CAELUS

(sound of despair)

THACK

“Brutish animal teeth”? “Filthy lair”??

MAYOR

Y—yes...?

THACK

Orc people, little man. Orc bigger, and stronger, and not play Mayor in little wooden home, but different than little man not make orc savage. It not make orc monster.

MAYOR

Oh, goodness, forgive me... I see now, you’re— you share some, ah— orcish...?

THACK

Thack half-orc.

MAYOR

I really cannot apologize enough, but you must understand that of course I wasn’t speaking of you. I’ve only just met you today, Thack?—am I pronouncing that correctly? “Thack?”—and it’s clear as day to me that you’re not at all like those other orcs!

THACK

(growls)

MAYOR

Ah, well, in some ways, surely—your pronounced brow, your, um, prominent lower canines...?

THACK

(snarls)

MAYOR

No? Are these bad things? I mean no offense at all and I just keep stepping right into it. You know what I’m trying to say, right?

BENEDICT

...You mean me?

MAYOR

Yes. Please! As the lone human amongst... ah...

CAELUS

Elf.

MERRICK

Filthy half-breed.

MAYOR

...surely you’ve said a thoughtless thing or two in mixed company?

BENEDICT

Well... there was one time I made a strong moral stand and lost everyone I cared about and everything I believed in, but as for racially charged comments...? No, I think I’ve kept those mostly in check.

CAELUS

Mayor, Mayor...! My companions speak in jest! They have such a peculiar sense of humor—so strange, in fact, that one almost cannot recognize it as humorous at all! Heh heh.

THACK

(growls)

CAELUS

And please forgive the good lady—we’ve been traveling for days and clearly something she’s eaten along the way is disagreeing with her. However she might feel, surely she can be relied upon to help you with your problem. Right?

THACK

Yeah, Thack help. Thack not like other orc.

CAELUS

There you have it...! A big, terrible misunderstanding that almost spelled disaster but then did not.

MAYOR

Right. Well, where was I?

MUSIC CUE: Transition music

MAYOR (cont.)

The ruins is where you will find your true reward—I’m prepared to offer you a small percentage of whatever we find there, provided of course...

SFX: Fade out on Mayor and into outdoor ambiance; several orcs sporadically speaking to one another in distance

MERRICK

(hushed) I count five outside... guessing by the size of the fire and number of animal bones, maybe seven more inside?

THACK

(less hushed) Merrick eat animal.

MERRICK

(hushed) Shhh! You’ll give us away. And yes, I eat animals—what of it?

THACK

(still less hushed) Orc not monster just because orc eat animal.

CAELUS

(hushed) Help us find a permanent solution to the Mayor’s problem that doesn’t end in bloodshed, Thack, and that is what we’ll do.

THACK

(less hushed) Then where orc go?

CAELUS

(hushed) Away! Elsewhere. That’s not our concern.

THACK

(less hushed) That no one’s concern! Why pointy ears think orc make “filthy lair” in cave? Someone else drive them here.

CAELUS

(hushed) Then what do you propose?

THACK

(normal voice) Thack not propose; Thack do.

SFX: Rustling as Thack rises out of bushes and strides to orc den; “mic” stays with others

THACK

(getting farther away) Jiak greeav lat, orken blüd!

BENEDICT

Umm.

MERRICK

We might as well stand, too. There’s absolutely no chance they haven’t also seen us.

CAELUS

You should have left me dead. That might have been kinder.

BENEDICT

It’s really good to know that now.

SFX: Three people rising out of bushes

BENEDICT (cont.)

Maybe she’s going to negotiate with them...?

THACK

(distant) Kulknej ukenav afar maurzur humanuk ro avown avo drepa lat ach magas lat e votar!

SEVERAL ORCS

(distant) (cries of outrage)

CAELUS

“Negotiate”? Does that sound at all like something Thack would do?

BENEDICT

Well, no...

THACK

(distant) Ve humanuk, lat ayh monukaveruk! Theausan avhink lat ukavage nalkruska avheausan inflicav worukav ukavagaum ro gith!

SEVERAL ORCS

(distant) (louder cries of outrage)

BENEDICT

Do either of you speak... uh...?

MERRICK

Orcish.

BENEDICT

It’s called “Orcish”? Really?

CAELUS

I understand it, a little. It shares a mother tongue with Goblin, about which I wrote a thesis in academy. But that was two hundred and ten years ago...

MUSIC CUE: Rousing, inspirational music starts to build

THACK

(distant) Humanuk magas lat e votar!

CAELUS

“Humans... expel them...” —no, third declension—“drive you from your homes...”

THACK

(distant) Humanuk uklaausan maaveuk, milambak!

CAELUS

“They slay... your family...”

THACK

(distant) Buav noav avodaausan!

CAELUS

“But not... today?”

MERRICK

Uh oh.

THACK

(distant) Todaausan kulknej ukavand avall agh strucht! Kulknej avell humanuk avhiuk orken votar, agh orken ukavay!

SEVERAL ORCS

(distant) (loud, defiant cheering)

CAELUS

(groans)

BENEDICT

Well? What did she say?

CAELUS

They’re not leaving. Thack has organized a protest.

JORDAN STILLMAN

The Ordinary Epic will return in just a moment, but first we wanted to share with you a quick peek at a show we really adore. We think you’ll love it, too. Here is the clip:

MUSIC: Classical music starts to play.

WANDA

Hello - Contact Day is in but a few short months, which means it is time to begin preparations for the bi-decennial festival.

SFX: Audio begins to deteriorate and skip.

WANDA

This year we are celebrating every single one of you living in my beloved Windfall City.

SFX: Audio distorts again, music disappears.

ROOT

It is not our business to question the Queen’s will. It is not our business to do anything but follow it.

SFX: Audio distorts, music returns.

WANDA

It is you and your loyalty that has laid the groundwork for this incredible Utopian society that we see before us.

SFX: Audio distorts, music drops out.

SHAIMA

Do you have any idea what’s going on with us?

WOLFPAC GUARD

(voice heavily distorted) Keep your mouth shut, Grounder.

SFX: Isaac grunts as he is punched by the guard, classical music returns.

WANDA

It is the duty of each and every one of you to do everything you can to make the festival a success this year.

SFX: Happy classical music drops out.

TIN MAN

(robotic voice) Are you ready to speak kindly with me now, child?

SFX: Audio distorts, happy classical music returns.

WANDA

I have no doubt that this year will be one for the history books, and that will be due in no small part to the dedication of my adoring subjects.

SFX: Audio distorts, foreboding music crescendos, electricity starts to spout as Helina’s screams become louder and louder, audio distorts back to quiet.

JORDAN STILLMAN

The show is called Windfall, and you can find it at windfallpodcast.com. We hope you’ll give it a listen because it’s a truly excellent show. And now, back to The Ordinary Epic.

SFX: Orcs cheering and chanting

ATHENA

Led by Thack, a dozen orcs stand outside their home—and the entrance to the ruins—chanting in protest that they will not leave. The Mayor and a few inexperienced-looking guardsmen stand a short distance away. The Mayor’s arms are crossed, and the sour expression on his face tells you, quite clearly, that he is not pleased.

SFX: Orcs fade out

MARCUS

So, this is possible? We can just go in a completely different direction than the adventure you wrote?

ATHENA

Oh, it’s all part and parcel of being a gamemaster—the more of the adventure you prepare, the greater the chance your group will do the opposite thing. If you build it, they might come, but they will burn it down rather than go inside. Or, possibly, organize a protest. Anyway, this was my mistake—I really should know better by now...

DOMINIC

You see? This is exactly what I didn’t want.

EMO

You know who else often don’t get what they want?

DOMINIC

Don’t say—!

EMO

Orcs!

DOMINIC

Oh really?? Tell us more!

EMO

And not just orcs—goblins, hobgoblins, kobolds... Ugly almost always equals evil in this game. It’s okay to slaughter them wholesale because they’re not “good” like we are. Have you ever really thought about that?

DOMINIC

Evil also equals evil, which they are. I know because it says so in the rulebook.

SFX: Tapping a hardcover book

EMO

Hey, and you know what actually is evil?

DOMINIC

Your relentless desire to extinguish the last of what few joys remain in my life?

EMO

Oh Dom. That’s not my desire, but it is a fun side effect.

SFX: Rapidly flipping through pages of a book

EMO (cont.)

What’s actually evil is deciding an entire race of people or creatures you don’t like or understand are uniformly “bad.”

DOM

Okay, here we are. “Orc, medium-sized humanoid. Alignment: Chaotic EVIL!” And I like orcs just fine. They’re not much harder to kill than goblins and grant twice the experience. See?

DANIEL

Um, guys...?

ATHENA

I’m really not sure what to do. They’ve usually run out of steam by now...

EMO

Your casual disregard for what you perceive to be the Other is really not an attractive quality, Dom.

MARCUS

Yo! Can we get back to the game maybe?

SFX: Immediately back in game world (orcs still chanting)

CAELUS

These are not our people, Thack.

THACK

They Thack’s people.

CAELUS

But they’re not. Not really. You share some common ancestry with them, yes, but do you live among them? Do you follow their ways?

THACK

Thack did, long time ‘go.

CAELUS

But not now, and probably never again. Meanwhile, our people are on the run, out of money, and sleeping in barns when they’re lucky. We can worry about the rights of the Other once the Us has eaten and slept, maybe even taken a bath if the Fateweavers are feeling especially generous.

THACK

Pointy ears think orc not feel same?

CAELUS

You don’t see them staging a protest for our rights!

THACK

Pointy ears not need protest! Pointy ears has rights.

SFX: Thack and Caelus continue arguing as we cross fade to Merrick and Benedict

BENEDICT

Welp.

MERRICK

(sigh) I’m going to sneak in and pilfer the ruins while everyone is distracted, I guess.

BENEDICT

Merrick, what? No. You absolutely cannot do that.

MERRICK

Sorry, why not...?

BENEDICT

It’s illegal.

MERRICK

Mmmno it isn’t. Also: not an argument that’s ever going to work on me.

BENEDICT

It’s dishonest.

MERRICK

Hello friend, Merrick Half-Elven at your service.

BENEDICT

It’s immoral.

MERRICK

It’s “immoral”??

BENEDICT

Yes? Yes.

MERRICK

Your god has literally forsaken you. Why do you give a gentle caress about what’s immoral?

BENEDICT

Because, I—... it still—... Fine. Go. I’ll stand watch and… hold all these potions, I guess.

MERRICK

You’ll barely notice I’m gone. Just imagine that warm bed.

SFX: Merrick pads off

BENEDICT

Well, I guess that’s that. I’m a bad, godless person now.

SFX: Fade back to Thack and Caelus

THACK

Pointy ears not hearing word Thack say!

CAELUS

I hear you perfectly. I just happen to disagree with everything you’re saying. There’s a difference.

THACK

Difference is pointy ears only care about self.

CAELUS

Oh, and this pointless exercise of yours wasn’t utterly self-intereste—?

MAYOR

Ah, if I could—

CAELUS

Hello Mayor!

MAYOR

Yes, ah, hello. I am so very sorry to interrupt, but I was wondering if you’d managed to come up with, em, a solution? Yet?

CAELUS

Well, we are very close, certainly, but I could not at present say with any precision exactly—

THACK

Here solution. Let orc live in peace, orc let you dig in ground.

MAYOR

...Oh. They’ll really just let us...?

MUSIC CUE: “Warm” music begins to rise

THACK

Orc want home, they want meat and drink, they want war stories around fire, they want family safe. Orc not want trinkets buried in ground. That what human want.

MAYOR

Well then. I must say I’m not... wild about this solution, but it seems to be the best one I’m likely to hear today. Very well. Please tell, ah, “your people” that they are free to—

SFX: Music abruptly ends, immediate transition to real world

DOMINIC

Just like that? He just agrees?!

ATHENA

There are a lot of different ways to solve—

DOMINIC

There are lots of ways to create problems, too! As Emo has very capably demonstrated.

EMO

I’m just happy to help where I can.

DOMINIC

Except that you didn’t help!

EMO

No one got hurt and we’re getting paid.

DOMINIC

I mean, this hijacking of our game for your social justice campaign. It wasn’t... fun.

EMO

“Fun”? I thought it was mostly points you cared about? I think we all remember a very impassioned speech.

DOMINIC

I’m trying to be... considerate. Of the others.

EMO

Does it hurt? I bet that really hurts.

DOMINIC

My point is that your activist sprees aren’t fun—they’re preachy. And this is a place for fun. Or, so I’m told.

DANIEL

I had fun...

MARCUS

It was a preachy sort of fun.

EMO

When you don’t want to hear the message, activism of any kind is going to be annoying to you, isn’t it?

DOMINIC

Probably.

ATHENA

It wasn’t all that bad, Emo.

EMO

But it was bad...?

ATHENA/MARCUS/DANIEL

Welllll... / Ehhh... / Umm...

EMO

Well I am sorry, everyone, for the truth I brought tonight. The people want fun, not truth (for some reason, the two are mutually exclusive) and so I surrender. You’re all safe now. Please return to your regularly scheduled slumber, already in progress.

ATHENA

Right then...

MUSIC CUE: Begin transition back to game

ATHENA (cont.)

The terms of peace at last agreed upon, the Mayor again approaches you.

SFX: Outdoor ambiance. Background walla of orcs and some humans.

MAYOR

Well, that’s that, I suppose. They’re actually quite reasonable, in their way—a pity they have to live right here, but I think we can learn to coexist. Provided of course they don’t steal our livestock. Or venture into town. Or make anyone at all uncomfortable.

THACK

(a “rolling eyes” growl)

MAYOR

Say, weren’t there four of you?

CAELUS

Yes... where is—?

MERRICK

Hello! Just took a quick stroll to clear my head. Nothing like a quick stroll—recommend it to anyone. Did I miss anything?

BENEDICT

Just all the important stuff.

THACK

Orc and human live in peace.

CAELUS

For now.

THACK

It a start.

MAYOR

You must excuse me—I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am to get into those ruins and see what valuable wonders they’re hiding. I think the Baron will be very, very pleased. Though it will be several days before we can calculate your percentage of the haul—will you remain in town?

CAELUS

That sounds lovel—

MERRICK

Unfortunately, we must be off. Neither time nor tide, you know?

CAELUS

But wh—?

SFX: MERRICK jabs Caleus

CAELUS

Yes, we must away immediately, sad to say. We’ll be certain to collect our share if—when we pass this way again.

BENEDICT

This is just great.

CAELUS

It is great! A great great thing we did.

THACK

(growls)

CAELUS

That Thack did. Mostly.

MAYOR

Well, thank you once more. Here’s the fifty coin we agreed—

BENEDICT

Thank you, but we won’t be needing that.

MERRICK

We—what??

BENEDICT

That we were able to help is reward enough for us. How much coin do we really need, after all?

MERRICK

You’d be surprised.

MAYOR

I truly don’t know what to say. You’re heroes. We won’t forget you.

SFX: Mayor walking away

MAYOR

(from a short distance) Let’s fetch some torches and see what we can find down there!

THACK

“Heroes...”

MERRICK

Aaaand time to go.

BENEDICT

You took everything, didn’t you?

MERRICK

Only what I could carry. Which was most of it.

BENEDICT

I’m a bad, godless person.

MERRICK

Yeah, but you’re our godless person.

SFX: Footsteps of large person approaching

MUSIC CUE: “Accomplished” music

ORC

Thack, Daughavas ro Thacko.

THACK

Jiak greeav lat, blüden.

ORC

Thack buesnauk avhiuk dautas. Jiak praiuke Thack.

THACK

Iav wauk noavhaumn, blüden.

ORC

Iav wauk everyavhaumn.

SFX: They clasp hands

BENEDICT

What did she say?

THACK

Just goodbye.

CAELUS

She said thank you... for being an ally.

BENEDICT

(smiles) Hm.

SFX: They begin to walk away

MAYOR

(from distance; in entrance of cave) What do you see? Sorry, what was that...?

MERRICK

Let us walk just a little faster, heroes...

MAYOR

(from distance) What do you mean “nothing”??

MUSIC: End credits music.

JORDAN STILLMAN

The Ordinary Epic was created by Brandon M. Crose, and brought to life by Executive Producer Jordan Stillman, Technical Producer Brad Smith, Composer Tiven Weinstock, Graphic Designer Hailey Thurrott, and Visual Designer Sangjun Lee, with additional music and music editing by Bradley Jordan, and audio by Matthew Lightbound. Season one, episode three: Modern-Day Thacktivism, was directed by Stephanie LeBolt, and features the voice talents of Rachel Belleman as Emo and Thack; Caitlin Gjerdrum as Athena and the Mayor; Brandon Green as Marcus and Benedict; Michael Hisamoto as Daniel and Merrick; and Elliot Purcell as Dominic and Caelus, with additional voices provided by our cast and crew. Extra special thanks to Production Assistants Neil Johnson, Liz Schultz, and Matt Kramer. Check out theordinaryepic.com for bonus content, original artwork, and to join our listener community. Season one of The Ordinary Epic is made possible in part by a grant from Neil Marsh of Eternity Cove Productions. The Ordinary Epic is copyright 2019, Crose to Home Productions, LLC.

MUSIC: End credit theme concludes.

JORDAN (cont.)

Thank you again for joining us on this adventure! And as I mentioned, if you are so inclined, please check out theordinaryepic.com for all the ways you can support our show. Episode Four: Going Rogue premieres in two weeks -- we hope to see you then. Until then, always remember: our commitment to quality means that we sometimes forego nonessentials such as hygiene. Can our competitors say that?